Frigging Fantasy VII
by Bleys Maynard1
Summary: 'There is a village called Nibelheim mear Mt. Nibel on the Western Continent. I know you don't really care, but it's there. And it was there that something really boring is about to happen, but I'm going to make you read about it anyway.'
1. Chapitre Preliminaire

Chapitré Préliminaire  
  
-----  
  
Twenty Years Ago  
  
There is a village called Nibelheim mear Mt. Nibel on the Western Continent. I know you don't really care, but it's there. And it was there that something really boring is about to happen, but I'm going to make you read about it anyway.  
  
In a house on the northern end of the village, a woman lay on her bed. Maybe she normally would have been quite pretty, but she certainly wasn't when she was screaming the kind of obscenities that literally caused the plants to burst into flames. The target of her wrath was a pitiful little fellow in a white coat.  
  
"You insufferable little prick!" she screamed, "When this is over, I'm going to sue your peachy little ass for malpractice, you know that? GIVE ME SOME GODDAMN DRUGS!!!!!"  
  
The doctor calmly replied, "Calm down, ma'am, we're almost through."  
  
"WE?!?!?" screamed the woman "I'm doing all the fucking work here you miserable pantywaist! Just wait! I'm gonna tear your goddamn balls off and feed them to you!"  
  
Still unruffled, the doctor let this wash over him, and said, "That's it, you're doing good, now the important thing is to breathe."  
  
Still at a level of volume ordinarily associated with atomic weapons, the woman said, "Oh, really, lameass? Is that what I've been forgetting? Well, gee! I guess I'm too goddamn stupid to remember to breathe! Is that what you think, you smug sonofabitch? IS THAT WHAT YOU FUCKING THINK????"  
  
"There!" exhulted the doctor, lifting a small body by the foot, "It's a boy!"  
  
"Ooh," cooed the now not-so-angry woman, "Isn't he the cutest?"  
  
"Um, no," replied the doctor, "Actually, he's covered in afterbirth and screaming like a banshee, and the only time I've ever seen anything as ugly is all the other babies I've delivered. Just as soon as I cut this goddamn umbilical cord, I'm gonna go outside for a puke and a smoke. That will be 16,000 Gil, please."  
  
After the doctor left, the father of the boy entered the house to find his wife still coo-ing over the small form.  
  
"Oh, look, isn't he cute?" she queried, "I think I'll name him Cloud."  
  
"What?" raged the father, "Dammit, woman, what the hell kind of stupid weiner name is 'Cloud'? Do you want the boy to grow up to be a chunk of goddamn fluff? His name is 'Trent', after my father."  
  
"Your father," said the woman indignantly, "was a drunk and a wastrel and the world is better off without him!"  
  
The father replied, "Yeah, well, at least he wasn't gay. Someone named 'Cloud' would be bound to grow up gay."  
  
-----  
  
The Wheel of Time turns, and Ages come and pass, leaving memories that become legend. Legend fades to myth, and even myth is long forgotten when the Age that gave it birth comes again. In one Age, called the Third Age by some, an Age yet to come, an Age long past, a wind rose over an unidentified mountain range on the Western Continent. The wind was not the beginning. There are neither beginnings nor endings to the turning of the Wheel of Time. But it was a beginning.  
  
North and west the wind blew, disturbing pigeons and ripping old peoples' toupees off, until it had circled the earth 8.02 times, whereupon it ripped someone's laundry off of a clothesline and deposited it in a pile of horse manure. The wind then did the fish slapping dance and rushed off in the direction of Midgar, where a street performer, clad only in a towel was doing an erotic performance. The wind ripped the towel away and wrapped it around a bystander's head, then charged off to the south.  
  
Here the wind met misfortune, because this is not the world of the Wheel of Time, where a wind can do just anything. The Wind was interfering in another wind's territory, and she was PMS'ing pretty bad at the time. Our Wind was sucked up by an out-of-season tornado and hurled outside the atmosphere, where it was eventually attracted by the Sun's gravitational pull and was converted into pure energy in a fusion reaction in the heart of the G2-class star.  
  
That'll teach him.  
  
-----  
  
You'd think that 20 years ago was a pretty boring time, but there was still a third event occurring, in a place I may not yet disclose.  
  
In a closed cave, approximately 18,000 moogles had gathered. No, it was not mating season, which is another time when 18,000 moogles would gather in one place, but this was the beginning of the Great Moogle Rebellion of Corel.  
  
Oops, I wasn't supposed to tell you where that was. Damn! Damn! Damn!  
  
Well, anyway, now that you're in on the revolution, I guess you may as well know what was said at the secret meeting:  
  
"Kuso!"  
  
"Kuso!"  
  
"Kuso--so!"  
  
"Kusosso"  
  
"Kuso Ku Kuso So!"  
  
"Kuso Kurukso Kurano!"  
  
"Kuso, Kuso!"  
  
"Hey, mates, would anybody care for a cup o' coffee?"  
  
"Kuso!"  
  
"Sorry. Just asking."  
  
Preview of Chapter 1:  
  
"Hey, has anybody seen Mr. T run by in the nude?"  
  
"Yummy, yummy, yummy, I got bugs in my tummy...hee hee hee!"   
  
"I'm more than OK! I'm Batma...Wait, that's wrong.." 


	2. Ichiban Sho

Ichiban Sho  
  
-----  
  
"Mama said there'd be days like this," mused the railway guard to himself. It had been a royally shitty day. Some old fart pissed on his shoe, everybody was rude. All he needed to cap the perfect day was a bloody train robbery.  
  
{Be careful what you wish for.}  
  
The train came into the Sector One station on schedule. What was unscheduled was the big naked black guy with the gun on his arm. There wasn't supposed to be any naked man shooting at the railway guard. Days that start bad, end worse. {Please, God,} thought the railway guard, {don't let a naked man be the last thing I see.}  
  
The naked man was William "Bare-It" Wallace, who was leading a group of AVALANCHE members in an assault upon the Sector 1 Reactor. Bare-It knew that he had to be quick, and leave no witnesses, because nobody forgets Bare-It Wallace in a hurry. All any Shinra soldiers had to ask was, "Hey, has anybody seen Mr. T run by here in the nude?", and every damn foo' in the area would point right at him. "C'mon!", he bawled to his "troops", which consisted of Biggass, Vedge, Jessie, and some former SOLDIER member called Trent Strife. Strife bothered Bare-It, because he didn't seem the least bit disturbed by Bare-It. He had an attitude that said, "Sure, where I'm from, everybody looks like Mr. T and runs around in the raw".  
  
The AVALANCHE crew charged right into the Sector 1 Reactor in one big group. {One grenade,} thought Bare-It, {and I can ice the whole pack of imbeciles at once.} Unfortunately, so could the Shinra. "Hey, you fucking goops!" shouted Bare-It in a voice loud enough to make up for the lack of a general alarm, "Are ya posin' for a fuckin' group picture or sumpin'? Break up! Break the fuck up!"  
  
"Strife," he concluded, "You stick wit' me. I don't trust ya."  
  
Trent Strife just shrugged and fell in beside Bare-It...but not too close.  
  
Strife didn't look like much. Could this kid really have been in SOLDIER? Bare-It was tempted to find out, but held his urge in check. {Wait until the boy makes a mistake,} he thought, {An' then you don't look bad when you gotta do the deed.}  
  
Bare-It and Strife had just finished climbing down a ladder when the first Shinra soldiers attacked. The first warning Bare-It got was when the ground at his feet erupted in a spray of bullets. Bare-It dropped to the ground, rolled, and fired once, twice, three times....and missed, missed, and missed. Shit! The buggers were good.  
  
Strife was having better luck. He dropped as if he'd been dodging bullets all his life, and rolled towards one of the Shinra soldiers. Still curled in a ball, he managed to draw his sword, and leapt upwards, splitting the poor bastard from groin to chin. What a way to go.  
  
Bare-It wasn't exactly sitting idle at the time, either. Crouching behind a crate, he hauled the pin out of a grenade and threw it overhand at the remaining two Shinra troopers. (You figure out where he was keeping his grenades!) One managed to throw himself to the side, and Strife quickly took care of him. The other was killed by the grenade.  
  
Total elapsed time: about 1 1/2 seconds.  
  
"We've got to move," said Strife, "That explosion's going to draw every guard in earshot." Without waiting for a reply, Strife charged off in the direction of the reactor. Swearing like a legionnaire, Bare-It followed.  
  
The sound of pursuit followed Bare-It and Strife down the hall. Fortunately, sound doesn't shoot at you. Bare-It hauled Strife into a side passage, and made the universal "ssh" signal, one finger over his lip.  
  
Seven Shinra soldiers charged by, going the wrong way. Bare-It was just about to step into the hallway when he heard the sound of...singing?  
  
"Yummy, yummy, yummy, I got bugs in my tummy...hee hee hee!" A black-cloaked stranger danced by, singing an extremely weird tune. {Who the devil could that be,} wondered Bare-It.  
  
Finally, they reached the No. 1 Reactor. "Say, foo'," said Bare-It to Strife, "You go ahead and set the charge!" Strife nodded acquiescence, and then sat there picking his nose.  
  
"There ain't no snot left, buddy, get movin'!"  
  
"...not an ordinary...? Wha..?" replied Strife, and then "Oh, yeah, the charge. Now where did I put that charge?" Strife hauled out his wallet.  
  
"Here! No, that's my Nazi Party membership card--a joke, funny story...Sorry, the charge...Could it be this? No, I guess that's just 1,000,000 Gil in small, unmarked bills...Hmm, a still-beating human heart..nope! Let's try this compartment..Oh, that's where I left the cat! Heya, furball! Here we go! Explosive charge!" Trent proudly produced a piece of moldy bread.  
  
"Never mind, foo'," said Bare-It, "I'll do it myself." Bare-It set the charge, and ran for the exit. Strife followed, toting the cat and making mewling noises at it. {Jeez,} thought Bare-It, as people on the lower levels gaped at his bare ass, {What a weirdo.}  
  
Bare-It climbed the ladder again, hotly pursued by Trent Strife (and his cat), and was just about to head for the elevator when he was interrupted by Strife exclaiming, "Oh, shit!". Bare-It found a protesting cat thrust into his arms as Strife worked to free Jessie's trapped foot from a steel beam. Bare-It was not impressed. Neither was the cat. When Strife reclaimed his pet, both Bare-It and the cat sported some impressive scratch marks.  
  
The AVALANCHE group just barely made it out of the reactor area in time. No sooner had Trent and his cat jumped clear than the explosive charge went off, creating a truly impressive pillar of flame. Bare-It supposed the crazy man in the black cape must be dead.  
  
"Well," said Bare-It cheerfully, "Who wants ice cream?"  
  
-----  
  
When Bare-It and the others headed off for ice cream, Trent Strife went his separate way. After all, could even a former member of SOLDIER be seen in public cheering at a naked man who was offering fucking ice cream, even the Sector 2 Sally's Scrumptious Chocolate... {No,} thought Trent, {Don't think about it. Don't let your mouth water.}  
  
Trent strolled off towards Sector 7 in what he hoped was a nonchalant manner. In fact, he looked very much like someone with something to hide, which made him fit in perfectly with all the other riff-raff in the area.  
  
When he entered the square, Trent was abruptly glad that he wasn't Bare-It. The flower girl would have made certain characteristics painfully apparent in Bare-It. Trent could act natural and hope nobody noticed the tilt of his kilt. Even the toughest looking fellows were buying flowers from this hottie, and they were hard when they did it...not that Trent was looking, of course. He was acting natural. And failing. Miserably. Then something amazing happened. The attractive flower girl approached him!  
  
"Excuse me," she said, "What was all that commotion back the way you came?"  
  
"Er, commotion?" asked Trent, "What commotion?" At that moment, Trent would have been hard-pressed (no pun intended) to remember his own name.  
  
"You know," she said, "That great big explosion that came from the same direction as you. I thought you might know because your clothes are charred and your hair is singed."  
  
"I really don't remember any sort of explosion," said Trent, honestly. "Maybe you're thinking of something else?" {Well, we know you are, idiot!} thought Trent to himself, {She probably thinks you're a moron.}  
  
{What a moron,} the flower girl was thinking to herself, {But at least I should be able to make an easy sale.} "Say," she said, "Wanna buy a flower?"  
  
Just then, Trent would have gladly bought Bre-X stock. "Sure!" he said, "How much? I mean, what's the going rate?" {Idiot!}  
  
{Idiot!} "1 Gil for a single flower". The flower girl normally charged more, but she'd feel bad if she took advantage of someone so obviously mentally defective.  
  
-----  
  
Tifa Lockheart was doing dishes when the AVALANCHE group came back. First came Jessie, then Bigass, then Vedge, and finally Trent. Bare-It must have been waiting outside, trying to scare people.  
  
Trent had been a childhood friend of Tifa's, and she was somewhat worried about his mental health. She had talked him out of his persistent belief that he was Batman, but there was still something not quite right...  
  
Tifa walked out to meet Trent, followed by Bare-It's toddler daughter, Marlene. Marlene seemed to dislike everyone but Bare-It and Tifa, who she was fiercely protective of.  
  
"Er, hi," said Trent. He was carrying a single rose.  
  
"For me?" said Tifa, delighted, "You shouldn't have!"  
  
Trent looked perplexed, and said, "Um, OK", and gave the rose to Marlene, who promptly ate it.  
  
{Jesus, he's dumber than I thought,} thought Tifa, {This is going to take some work.} "Trent?" she inquired, "Are you OK?"  
  
"OK?" said Trent, "I'm more than OK! I'm Batma...Wait, that's wrong.."  
  
{Fascinatink, frau doktor, but we steel haff work to do.}  
  
"You're tired," she said to Trent, "Go get some sleep."  
  
"Yeh," said Trent, bemused, "Sleep. Sleep good. Sleep good and remember where got pretty flower. Why girl eat flower? Wakarimasen."  
  
Tifa shook her head. It was going to be a long week.  
  
Preview of Chapter 2:  
  
"Hang on to her for a second. She bites, by the way."  
  
"I meant fella-trix! Yeah, that's it!"  
  
"What are you guys doin' blowin' up my reactors? I've been nice to you!" 


	3. Niban Sho

Niban Sho  
  
-----  
  
The next day started pretty much as usual. Marlene got up at about 4 AM and turned the cartoons on, and cranked the volume. Bare-It, Bigass, Jessie, Trent, and Tifa awoke with a start, swore profusely, and finally Bare-It went and unplugged the TV, and put Marlene back to bed, where she remained for approximately one picosecond before charging down to the TV room again. Neighbors were complaining about the noise, but Vedge slept through it all. The reason Vedge never drew guard duty was because thieves could break through the wall on motorcycles and steal everything in the house including the bed (with Vedge in it), and he wouldn't wake up.  
  
At 6 AM, the members of AVALANCHE got out of bed (In Vedge's case, heavy machinery was involved), and planned the day's raid.  
  
"Sector 5 station," Bare-It was saying, "It shouldn't be much different from last night's heist, but the Shinra will be on their guard. Bigass, Jessie, and Vedge, you're Alpha team. You make sure we get in and out of the Reactor alright. Strife, you an' me--"  
  
"And me," interjected Tifa, "I'm coming, too"  
  
"What!?!?" raged Bare-It, "You can't--"  
  
Trent interrupted, "Bare-It, are you ever going to learn? When Tifa wants something, she gets it. Just resign yourself to the inevitable."  
  
Bigass said, "Hey, kewl. Trent, how'dja manage to finish a sentence without bein' inter-"  
  
"Shut the fuck up," explained Bare-It.  
  
-----  
  
The Shinra guard was content. Last night, when the naked man attacked from the train, he was sure that he was going to die. When he managed to escape before the reactor went up, he put in for a transfer to any available job out-of-sector. So now his job was to make sure nobody rode the train without a ticket. Sure, there could be some violence, if somebody without a ticket really wanted a ride, but for the most part it would be smooth sailing. Life was good.  
  
The guard was just through congratulating himself on an excellent career move when he saw something that he really didn't want to see. Well, OK, nobody wanted to see what the guard was seeing, but this particular guard had an extra reason to be dismayed by the sight.  
  
It was like Mr. T., but without the clothes. On his train. {Please, God,} thought the guard, {let him have a ticket.} But the guard knew that Mr. T. didn't have a ticket. He wasn't holding one, and just where are the pockets on a naked man?  
  
"Why me, God," whispered the guard, "What have I ever done to you?"  
  
The guard hadn't whispered quietly enough, for Bare-It charged over and bellowed, "What? What did you say?"  
  
"Er," responded the guard, laughing weakly, "Tickets, please?"  
  
Bare-It's face was a mask of anger, "Listen punk, do you see this gun?"  
  
"Er, yes." replied the guard.  
  
"No, not that gun, said Bare-It, and pointed at his gun-arm, "This gun. If you ever make fun of me again, I'm gonna shove it up your peachy ass and fire."  
  
"Oh, is that all," said the guard, relieved, "I thought you were going to do something mean."  
  
A woman in the back of the car cut in: "Oh, Bare-It, leave the poor fudgepacker alone!"  
  
{What's a fudgepacker?} thought the guard, but wisely elected to keep his mouth shut.  
  
The woman moved towards the front of the train, to the map display, and beckoned to the young man (The one with clothes!) to join her. As the young man walked past the guard, he depositied a cat in the guard's lap and said, "Hang on to her for a second. She bites, by the way."  
  
A moment later, an alarm went off in the train, and Mr. T ran towards the front of the train, followed by his odd friends. When he was sure they were safely out of earshot (and the rail car was sealed), the guard cheered until his voice grew hoarse.  
  
-----  
  
Trent followed the rest of the AVALANCHE group up several cars, where they were met with an interesting sight: Everyone in the car was stark naked. {On the bright side,} Trent thought, {at least Bare-It gets to feel what it's like to fit in. Maybe he'll decide that he likes it and purchase some clothing. Probably not, but when you wish upon a star...}  
  
There was one more car to go, before they reached the engineer's compartment. When they got there, Bare-It said, "OK, we gotta jump! I'll go last, though, because a leader always sticks around until the very end!" {The man's terrified,} thought Trent.  
  
Tifa was the first out the door, followed by Trent, followed, after a slight but measurable pause, by Bare-It. They found themselves in a (surprise!) railway tunnel. They'd have to walk the rest of the way to the Sector 5 reactor. A few hundred meters brought them to a grate in the tunnel. Trent started to go through, but Bare-It caught his shoulder.  
  
"Are you sure that'll get us closer to the Reactor?"  
  
{No,} thought Trent, {But I bet the cramped quarters'll scare the hell out of you!}  
  
What he said, however was, "Absolutely! I know these tunnels like the back of my hand!"  
  
The three of them climbed down the ladder, and Trent surveyed his surroundings. {I'll be fucked!} he thought, {we actually ARE in the reactor!} Bigass was standing next to a ladder. The party walked up to him, and he said, "Hey, fellas! The reactor's thataway!", and pointed at the ladder.  
  
"Who are you calling a fella, fella?" asked Tifa.  
  
"Uh," said Bigass, thinking fast, "I meant fella-trix! Yeah, that's it!"  
  
Tifa glowered. Bigass squirmed.  
  
"Hey!" exclaimed Trent, "How the devil did you get here ahead of us? We just came by a windfall shortcut that lead us directly here!"  
  
Bigass shot Trent a grateful look, and said, "I'm very, very fast."  
  
-----  
  
Trent, Tifa, and Bare-It had finally reached the reactor. Halfway across the pipe leading to the reactor, however, Trent fell to the ground, clutching his head.  
  
{The jungle spun around him. He'd seen the Viet Cong take out six of his buddies. They were everywhere. The odor of white phosphorous burned his lungs. It wouldn't be long now--Charlie must have surrounded him by now. It was over. He checked his carbine, ready for battle, and was knocked to the ground by the impact of mortar on the nearby ground. That mortar saved his life. He was blown into the long grass just as six VC emerged from the forest. They hadn't seen him, but he'd seen them, hehehehe!}  
  
"HOO-YAAAAAAAH!" Trent shouted, charging at Tifa with his sword upraised, "DIE, CHARLIE, DIE!!!!!" Then, reality abruptly reasserted itself around him. He was standing poised over his childhood friend, with the business end of his sword less than a centimeter from her nose. Her eyes were the size of dinner plates.  
  
"Er," he said, "Just testing. Yeah, that's the ticket, testing! You really need to work on your reaction time, Tif!"  
  
"If you're quite finished," said Bare-It, "Perhaps you'd like to set the charge? Y'know, since that's kinda what we're here for?"  
  
"Charge?" said Trent, "Oh, yeah, the charge." He pulled out his wallet and started to leaf through it.  
  
"Never mind!" said Bare-It, "I'm afraid of what you might pull out of there!"  
  
Bare-It set the charge, and the three of them left.  
  
They covered familiar terrain for most of the reactor, since it was identical to the one they'd blown up the previous day. When they neared the exit, however, they found company waiting. Soldiers pressed from both sides, and from the third direction, came a man every member of AVALANCHE knew by sight. It was the President of Shinra.  
  
"Hey," he said, "What are you guys doin' blowin' up my reactors? I've been nice to you!"  
  
"Nice?" raged Bare-It, "You been' killin' the Planet!"  
  
"Oh, yeah, that," replied Shinra, "But that was just for laughs. No, I'm afraid that I can't let you get away with blowin' stuff up, as much as I enjoy the bang. Introducing SOLDIER's finest new robot, Kilroy!"  
  
Trent looked perplexed. "Kilroy?" he asked, "Wasn't that the one from Secret of Mana?"  
  
"Oh, yeah, you're right!" answered President Shinra, "I'll form a committee to come up with a better name just as soon as he finishes mopping my nice floor with your ass."  
  
The nameless robot attacked. First, it aimed a vicious punch at Tifa's center of mass (i.e., breasts). Tifa was hurled several meters, rolled, and snapped back fighting. She aimed a punch of her own at the robot--and shouted a bad word when her fist impacted on cold steel.  
  
"Dammit!" she said, "That fuckin' hurt! I wish I had a weapon!" She glared at Trent and Bare-It.  
  
Trent had a better idea. He slid a Lightning materia into one of the slots on his bracelet, and invoked it. Current arced between the tip of his sword and the robot, delivering a nasty shock to the machine's power supply.  
  
"Joo rotten plick!" came a digitized voice, "Joo am arsehole!"  
  
Trent wasn't being idle while the robot was talking. He leaped onto the machine's back and pried open an access panel. Sure enough, there was a terminal embedded in the attack machine. A few lines of code, and Trent proudly hit compile. The terminal responded:  
  
ERROR LINE 1087: CALL TO UNDEFINED FUNCTION, PRINTF  
  
ERROR LINE 1087: STATEMENT MISSING ;  
  
ERROR LINE 1353: FUNCTION SHOULD RETURN A VALUE  
  
WARNING BUGGERYOU.H: CANNOT CREATE PRECOMPILED HEADER: CODE IN HEADER  
  
WARNING LINE 1881: CONSTANT IS LONG  
  
{Oh, shit!}  
  
The robot exploded. Trent was hurled into the air, and came down right in the hole that the robot had made. He managed to grab the pipe with one hand, unfortunately on the side opposite to Tifa and Bare-It. Tifa stretched her hand out, trying to reach Trent.  
  
"C'mon, Trent!" shouted Bare-It, "You gotta hurry! That explosive's gonna go off any minute?"  
  
"Eh?" said President Shinra, "There's a bomb here, too? Ho, ho, ho, Santa's gotta go! Children won't be happy if Santa doesn't show!" And with that, he fucked off in a helicopter.  
  
"Get out of here, Tifa," Trent said, "I'll be fine!" And then he lost his grip, and plummeted to the hard, unyielding ground below.  
  
-----  
  
Bare-It led a weeping Tifa away from the place where Trent Strife had died. From the shadows, a black-cloaked figure chuckled and began singing, "The hills are alive, with the sound of muuuuusic!"  
  
One other being had seen the events at the sector five reactor. From the shadows opposite the black cloaked figure, a smaller, cuter creature watched. It's eyes glowed devil red and it barked an insane laugh. (the laugh must have been very quiet, since it didn't disturb black-cloak). The laugh went on for some time, and when it was over, the creature uttered a single word.  
  
"Kuso!"  
  
Preview of Chapter 3:  
  
"Because after what you did to my flowers, I'd hate to lose the opportunity to kill you with my bare hands."  
  
"What have I told you about playing with those gun-toting Turks?"  
  
"Come on. Let's get out of here before you kill anyone else." 


	4. Sanban Sho

Sanban Sho  
  
-----  
  
Aeris Gainsborough had been through one hell of a productive day. The flowers were thriving as they hadn't been in years. She stepped back in satisfaction, and looked upon her small patch, the fruit of her labours, and a smile of satisfaction spread across her face. Finally, all that hard work had paid off.  
  
But wait, there was a shadow spreading across the center of the patch. What the hell-?  
  
THUD!  
  
{Trent Strife leapt from rooftop to rooftop effortlessly. Ah, yes, this was the life! Nothing holding him back! None of the stress of landbound life.  
  
There! That rooftop over there! Someone was infringing on Trent's personal territory. Trent leaped once, twice, thrice! Now he was on the same building as his quarry. Softly, softly, don't let him hear you....NOW!  
  
Trent lifted his adversary high in the air and held him over the edge of the building. The terrified fellow managed to squeak out a query, "Who are you?"  
  
Trent smiled. "I'm Batman."}  
  
"Hey buddy!" came a female voice. {Go away,} Trent thought, {Or I'll throw a batarang at you.}  
  
"Hey buddy," came the voice, "Are you dead?"  
  
{Damn.} Trent opened one eye. "Five more minutes, Ma."  
  
"Oh, good, you are alive!" the voice replied, "Because after what you did to my flowers, I'd hate to lose the opportunity to kill you with my bare hands."  
  
Trent opened the other eye. Wonder of wonders, standing over him was the hot flower girl that he'd met the day before.  
  
"Oh, it's you!" the woman said, "I remember you. You don't look like you remember me, though"  
  
{Like any man could forget her,} Trent thought, {but I guess it couldn't hurt to let her think that.} "Nope," he said, "Not a clue!"  
  
SLAP!  
  
{Note to self: Oh, yes, it could hurt to let her think that.}  
  
Dazed, Trent stood up. "Oh, yeah. I remember you now. The name's Strife. Trent Strife."  
  
"Shaken," the girl replied, "But not stirred, apparently. I'm Aeris. I sell flowers. You?"  
  
{Well, ma'am, I murder people. Sure, I'll tell you that. Just watch me.} "Oh, a little of this, a little of that, the poor stay poor and the rich get fat."  
  
"Oh, a jackass," she said, "I knew a guy like you, once. Tell you what. I'm in the market for a bodyguard. You interested?"  
  
{Yes! To anything you want, yes!} "Sure," replied Trent, "But it's gonna cost you!"  
  
"Yeah, I can pretty much figure out your price. I don't pay up front, though."  
  
From the north approached a man in a business suit holding a quarterstaff. He had a competent look about him, like a professional soldier. Trent approached the man. Pitching his voice low, so Aeris wouldn't hear, he said, "Back off, fartknocker. She's mine."  
  
"Hey, don't mind me," replied the man, "I'm just looking for a place to take a leak. I've been holding it in for hours." He walked off to the north again. Then Reno of the Turks showed up.  
  
"Aw, fuck!" said Aeris, "That guy's been stalking me for years. C'mon, Trent, let's get out of here."  
  
They buggered off through the nearest door. They hadn't gotten far when Reno came after them. They climbed a staircase, and were met with a broken board. Trent jumped the gap no problem, but Aeris wasn't that fit. She narrowly missed the jump and tumbled practically into Reno's arms.  
  
"Shit!" she shouted, "Trent, help!"  
  
Trent knew he'd never make it down there in time to be of any use. He looked around. There! A bunch of barrels. Taking careful aim, he pushed one over, intending for it to land on one of Reno's lackeys. Down it went, and landed FAR wide of the soldier. In fact, it narrowly missed Aeris.  
  
"Whose side are you on, jackoff?" inquired Aeris. Trent shrugged. (Trent likes to shrug. Does it all the time.)  
  
The soldier, perceiving his victim bereft of protection, became cocky and advanced on Aeris. Because he was overconfident, he wasn't prepared. Aeris's staff came up in between his legs. Trent winced, but the poor soldier was really in pain. Aeris grabbed the soldier's submachine gun, checked the ammo and grinned. "OK, who's next?"  
  
The sacked soldier made the kind of sound that normally escapes a hungry kitten and passed out.  
  
Spraying bullets behind her, Aeris climbed the rafters and joined Trent. Together, they escaped through a hole in the roof of the church (the same one made when Trent fell through it).  
  
As they climbed rubble back down to the street level, Trent looked Aeris over and said, "Reno must want you pretty bad."  
  
"Yeah," she replied, "The Turks apparently think I have what it takes to be in SOLDIER"  
  
"SOLDIER?" inquired Trent, "Oh. Yeah. SOLDIER. Of course. What else could they possibly want?" Trent laughed weakly.  
  
A poisonous dart flew past the back of Trent's head, narrowly missing him. The sound of profanity in the moogle language escaped a pile of rubble.  
  
"Eh?" said Trent, "What was that?"  
  
"What was what?" asked Aeris.  
  
"Oh, it's probably nothing."  
  
Devil-red eyes glared after the pair as they walked off in the direction of Aeris's house.  
  
Aeris pushed open the door to her house. "Hi mom!"  
  
"You're late."  
  
"I ran into some gun-toting Turks. This is Trent. He's my bodyguard."  
  
{Well,} thought Trent, {there's certainly something I'd like to do to her body!}  
  
"Hello, Trent," said Aeris's mom, leering at him.  
  
"Hello, Aeris's Mom."  
  
Aeris's mother turned back to her, "What have I told you about playing with those gun-toting Turks?"  
  
"But Mom, I don't go to them, they come to me!"  
  
"That's no excuse. Go to your room!"  
  
"Mother, I'm 20 years old!"  
  
"Go!"  
  
Sulking, Aeris went to her room. Trent was left standing awkwardly in the doorway.  
  
"Have a seat," Aeris's mother said, "Want anything to drink? Beer? Beer? Or maybe some beer?"  
  
"Um," said Trent, pondering, "I guess beer'll do."  
  
Aeris's mom tossed Trent a beer and said, "So....you like...stuff?"  
  
{It's gonna be a long day,} thought Trent.  
  
Aeris awoke with a start. Had the floor just creaked? She peeked out the door to find Trent sneaking downstairs. {Fool,} she thought, {He'll be lost within ten seconds without me.} Creeping softly behind, she followed him outdoors. He walked back in the direction of the church where Aeris had been growing her flowers. {Where did he say he was headed?} she thought. {Oh, yeah. Sector 7.} He was going the wrong way. Aeris knew that he'd have to pass through a certain pipe to get to Sector 7, so she crept over there and waited. Sure enough, Trent came back. He started when he saw her.  
  
"Going somewhere?" She showed her teeth.  
  
"Look, Aeris, I had to get away from your mom. She was practically drooling over me!"  
  
{I know the feeling.} "Are you quite finished?"  
  
"Hey, I thought you needed a bodyguard. How are you going to get back home from Sector 7 if you can't take care of yourself?"  
  
"I'll try walking. If that doesn't work, I'll fly. C'mon. Let me show you the way to Sector 7." She started walking. Trent was forced to hurry in order to keep up.  
  
They were almost all the way to Wall Market when they were attacked by a house. That's right, a house. {Never fails,} Aeris thought, {Every fucking time I meet a guy, weird things start happening.}  
  
Trent drew his sword and sliced a big-ass chunk off of the house. The house made a face (!), and hit him back.  
  
{This is just too goddamn weird,} Aeris thought, and swung her staff at the house with all her might.  
  
The goddamn thing rebounded, having no effect whatsoever on the house.  
  
"Fuck this shit," she muttered, rifling through her purse. Ah, here we go. She hauled out the submachine gun she'd stolen from the Turk lackey the day before. Pausing quickly to tie a headband around her forehead, she shouted "WAR!" and opened fire.  
  
The house burst into flames. Aeris looked around--There! Another one. "WAR!" another house burst into flames. Another! That house wasn't moving, and there appeared to be people living in it, but it was still a house. "WAR!" Another explosion.  
  
A cardboard cutout of a ski-mask-wearing robber popped up. "WAR!" Soon it was riddled with bullets. A cat stretched in the sun. "WAR!" It won't do that again! Several nuns emerged from a convent. "WAR!" They were sent diving behind any makeshift shelter that presented itself.  
  
A small child emerged from behind a shack and said, "I gotta go potty!" Trent winced in expectation, and Aeris shouted "WAR!"--  
  
--And ran out of bullets (Author's note: You didn't really think I would kill a kid off, did you? Shame on you!). Trent breathed a sigh of relief. Aeris reached into her purse--  
  
Trent put a hand on her shoulder. "Come on. Let's get out of here before you kill anyone else." The two of them walked away.  
  
A small, white, and furry shape wielding a spear dropped to the ground where Trent and Aeris had stood a moment ago, missing them both narrowly. The spear stuck point-down in the dirt. As it worked to free its spear from the earth, the furry shape watched them escape with hate in its blood-red eyes.  
  
Trent and Aeris entered what appeared to be a playground. The sun beamed down on the idyllic scene. Birds chirped, bees sang. A shadowy, black cloaked figure sat on the swing set, singing, "Great Green Gobs of Greasy Grimy Gopher Guts..."  
  
"Oh, look, Trent! It's still there!" Aeris ran up to the slide, which was shaped like a...like a...Well, like some sort of living thing. A spider, maybe. "Come on!" she shouted.  
  
Trent shrugged, and followed her up the ladder.  
  
"I used to come here as a child. You were in SOLDIER, weren't you?"  
  
{Jesus,} thought Trent, {Women really do have a knack for changing the subject in a hurry.} "Yeah," he said, "First Class"  
  
"Oh. Just like...him."  
  
"Him?"  
  
"Oh, just...someone I knew" {Heh,} Aeris thought, {I never knew anyone in SOLDIER. Like I'd go anywhere near those creepy-ass Turks. He he! Look, Trent's jealous!}  
  
Just then, the gate to Sector 7 opened, and a chocobo-driven cart came through. As he watched it go by, a transformation came over Trent's face.  
  
"Tifa?"  
  
Aeris looked after the cart. "That was Tifa?"  
  
"Yeah. What's she doing going to Wall Market?"  
  
Now Aeris was the one who was jealous. "Do you want to go find out?"  
  
"Maybe I'd better. She might need help. Are you coming?"  
  
{You think I'd leave you alone with someone who looks like that?} "Yeah," she replied, "I might as well."  
  
As they walked towards Wall Market, Trent and Aeris didn't notice that the shadowy figure's eyes never left them.  
  
Preview of Chapter 4:  
  
"Nanoo! Nanoo!"  
  
"She's got black hair, really short shorts, a tanktop, and, oh yes, her breasts are the same size as her head."  
  
"I am Don Cornholio! Where I come from, we have no bunghole!" 


	5. Yonban Sho

Yonban Sho  
  
-----  
  
Wall Market was what the writers of the English Language had in mind when they invented the word, "cacophony". It was almost as noisy and chaotic as an average session of the Canadian Parliament. Trent was dismayed--How would he ever find Tifa in a place the size of this?  
  
Presently a bedraggled old man approached Trent and Aeris, saying, "Hey mishter, cud'ja shpare some change?"  
  
Trent cut his head off and started searching the streets. In a nearby alley, he found a young man in a state of some agitation. Trent ignored him, but Aeris approached the fellow and said, "Is there anything we can do to help?"  
  
"Nanoo! Nanoo!" replied the young man, sweating.  
  
As Trent and Aeris walked east towards the Honey Bee Inn, a small white form stepped out from behind the young man, pointing a spear at his back. "Kuso," it said, "Werry kud. j00 mey gho now. Kuso!"  
  
{A cathouse,} thought Trent, {What a perfect place to find Tifa!} He approached the bouncer and said, "Hey, have you seen a new girl in town? Tifa Lockheart?"  
  
"Hmm," replied the bouncer, "I'm not too good with names. Doesn't ring a bell, buddy. Sorry."  
  
"She's got black hair," Trent said, "really short shorts, a tanktop, and, oh yes, her breasts are the same size as her head."  
  
"Oh her!" replied the bouncer, "Who could forget her! Yeah, you wanna be at the Don Cornholio's mansion. Good luck getting in, though. The Don, he doesn't like boys."  
  
Trent physically hauled several youths off of Aeris by the scruff of the neck, much the way one would remove a kitten from furniture it wasn't allowed to be on. Each youth went flying in a different direction, grinning and clutching a flower. Aeris was grinning, too, and counting a lot of Gil. You figure out what happened.  
  
Trent pulled Aeris aside to confer. No really, that's all he wanted. Just to "confer," hehehe! He said, "Aeris, can you think of a way to get me into Don Cornholio's mansion?" Trent had already thought of one way to get in, but he hoped that Aeris had a better answer.  
  
Aeris grinned.  
  
"Oh, shit."  
  
Trent emerged from the dressing room, wearing a dress. Naturally, there were about sixteen thousand people with cameras outside. When most of them left, those cameras were firmly wedged in their rectums.  
  
"OK," Trent said, "I've got the dress, perfume, and wig. What else could a guy possibly need?"  
  
"Besides a loppitofomy?" inquired Aeris, "I think perhaps you need some underclothing."  
  
"I've got some," Trent said, "Boxers, of course."  
  
"Try again," replied Aeris.  
  
Trent tried to argue, so of course, he wound up on his way to the Honey Bee Inn a little faster than he would have otherwise. On the way by, they found the same guy who was there before, who had said, "Nanoo, nanoo" His face was pale, and he was sweating.  
  
"Got some drugs?" he asked.  
  
Trent handed him an aspirin. The young man promptly attempted to snort it.  
  
"Woooeee!" said the young man, "This shit's da bomb! Here, have this chunka plastic. It ain't much, but it's all I got."  
  
Trent looked down at the card. It was a Honey Bee Inn membership card.  
  
"I get the strange feeling that somebody wants me to go in there." said Trent.  
  
"Yeah," replied Aeris, "Me. Get moving."  
  
He left Aeris at the door and entered the Honey Bee Inn. He was met by a dreamy-faced young lady having a toke.  
  
"Um," he said, "I haven't decided what I want yet."  
  
"Do I look like I give a shit?" replied the woman.  
  
"Um," Trent repeated, "I guess not."  
  
Just to see if the bitch would come out of her drug-induced stupor, Trent started listening at random keyholes. Most of it was the kind of shit you'd expect from a cathouse, but one conversation caught his attention in particular.  
  
"Hey! Stop that self-stimulating behavior!"  
  
"No."  
  
"How about if I give you a lollipop?"  
  
"OK"  
  
"Here. That's a relief...HEY! I said stop!"  
  
"No way! I can have all this fun, and still get a free lollipop!"  
  
Then a brick hit Trent in the back of the head. The last thing he heard before the lights went out was a high-pitched voice saying, "Kuso!"  
  
Aeris was just about to give up on Trent when he was dragged out of the Honey Bee Inn by a stoned prostitute, with dried blood encrusted on his head.  
  
"Oh, my god!" she exclaimed, whirling on the whore, "Did you do this?"  
  
The whore took a deep drag of crack and replied, "Honey, do I look like I could do this to a big fellow like that? I found this brick next to him. I take it your friend likes it rough, that's all."  
  
Aeris hefted Trent in a fireman's carry and took him back to the Inn (The real Inn, I mean, not the cathouse). When he awoke, feeling groggy, he said, "I guess getting underwear isn't that important. 'Snot like I'm about to let this Don guy look at my undies anyway." Reluctantly, Aeris agreed. It would have been funnier than hell to snap pics of Trent wearing women's underwear.  
  
The next day, when Trent's headache had receded to the "smashed-drunk-for-two-weeks-straight-hangover" caliber, he dressed up like a woman and went to pay a visit upon the infamous Don Cornholio. By now, Aeris had snapped enough covert photos to blackmail the Pope himself, so she wasn't so reluctant to see this little "adventure" end. They presented themselves at the gate, and a lackey answered them.  
  
"Yeah, sure," he said, "As you are no doubt already aware, every day, the Don lines up three hot chicks, and picks one to have tawdry sex with, and for some reason they keep showin' up, even though the Don is a card-carrying retard who thinks he's from another planet. Anyway, we need two, so you're in."  
  
For the first time, he looked up, and added, "Hey, you two are pretty hot. Can you wait here while I get a camera so I can take a picture of you together."  
  
Trent tried to look bored and was about to reply, when Aeris clamped a hand over his mouth and replied, "Sure honey."  
  
When the guard was gone, she said to Trent, "Idiot! Did you have some surgery you didn't tell me about, or would your voice have given you away?"  
  
Oops! thought Trent, but what he said was, "Never mind that! Let's find Tifa!" Pursued hotly by Aeris, he dashed up a staircase. On the top stair, he slipped on a banana peel, and fell backwards down the stairs, toppling Aeris like a bowling pin. More cautiously now, they both proceded up the stairs and into a room on the west side of the building. Inside, they found a dungeon.  
  
Aeris looked nervously around and said, "I wonder if they have any--"  
  
A rat jumped into her face and chittered menacingly. Aeris shrieked.  
  
Trent laughed and put the fake rat back in his pocket.  
  
{Asshole,} thought Aeris.  
  
At the bottom of the stairs was Tifa, who didn't (of course) recognize Trent. Aeris approached her and said, "Are you Tifa?"  
  
Surprised, Tifa replied, "Yes, I am. Have we met?"  
  
"Trent sent me in here to help you out." Suppressing a mischevious grin, she added, "A bit of an asshole, isn't he?"  
  
Tifa shrugged, and said, "You get used to it. What I can't get over is that disgusting nose-picking habit of his!"  
  
Trent jerked his finger out of his nose and glared at both of them.  
  
{Vengeance,} thought Aeris, {Is mine!}  
  
The sound of muffled profanity came from just beyond the doorway. The guard from outside looked in and said, "There you are! C'mon, ya sluts, the Don's waiting!"  
  
The three of them were led before an obese fellow, who was in the process of telling one of his aides, "You will purchase TP! TP for my bunghole!"  
  
The guard cleared his throat, signalling for the Don's attention.  
  
Rifle-like, the Don's eyes swivelled to bear on the guard. In a menacing tone of voice, he asked, "Do you have any...polio?"  
  
"Erm..." replied the guard, "I got your gal pals for the night, boss!"  
  
"Yeah! Yeah!" The Don turned to address Trent, Aeris, and Tifa. "I am Don Cornholio!" he exclaimed, "Where I come from, we have no bunghole!"  
  
"Where exactly is that?" asked Aeris.  
  
The Don beamed, "I come from Lake Titticaca! Lake Titticaca! I want all your crapachino! m-m-m-m-m-m-m-huhhuhhuhheheheheehe!"  
  
"Aw, shit," said the guard, "He's having a seizure again." He spoke into a mike, and a nurse came into the room, injected the Don with a pale yellow fluid, and buggered off again.  
  
"Now," said the Don, "Where were we? Oh yes....UNDERWEAR CHECK!"  
  
{Oh, shit!}  
  
The guard replied, "I'm wearing boxers!"  
  
The Don turned to his aide, pointed at the guard and said, "Kill him! Kill him until he is dead!" The aide dragged the protesting guard away. Fortunately, the incident had made Don Cornholio forget about the underwear check. He stood up, paced back and forth, and scratched his head, monkey-like.  
  
Suddenly, the Don pointed at Aeris and shouted, "You! Tonight, you will cleanse my bunghole!" Aeris's face turned a sickly green, and Trent and Tifa were led away.  
  
Fortunately for Aeris, the Don appeared too stupid to do much of anything. He sat and discussed his bunghole for a long period of time, while Aeris silently thought, {Hurry up, Trent. Hurry the fuck up!}  
  
Just when she was about to give up on them, Trent and Tifa burst into the room.  
  
"What is this?" demanded Don Cornholio, "You will bow down before my bunghole!"  
  
"I don't fucking think so, fat man," replied Tifa. "We know that you've been working for the Shinra. What did you tell them? Talk, or I'll, um, fill in your bunghole!"  
  
"NOOOOO!" shrieked Don Cornholio, "Not that! I'll talk! The men in suits make me find nudist Mr. T, that all! I swear!"  
  
Trent added, "How much did you find out. Talk, or I'll...er...fill in your bunghole," he finished lamely.  
  
"NOOOOO!" shrieked Don Cornholio, "Not that! I'll talk! I find Mr. T. in a bar in Sector 7. I tell them! I meant no harm!"  
  
Aeris said, "And what are they planning to do about it? I know you know. If you don't talk, I'll fill in your bunghole!!!!"  
  
"NOOOOO!" shrieked Don Cornholio, "Not that! I'll talk! They going to blow up the support for the plate above Sector 7 and crush all!"  
  
"Oh, fuck!" exclaimed Tifa, "We've got to stop that! C'mon, let's go!" As they were on their way out the door, however, Cornholio shouted, "Stop! Why you think I tell you all, when the Shinra may kill Cornholio?"  
  
"Um," replied Trent, "why?"  
  
"Because," Cornholio replied smugly, "You have fallen...into the clapper trap!"  
  
"You swine!" Trent replied, and the floor fell out from beneath them.  
  
Preview of Chapter 5:  
  
"So, Bigass, how's that male itch coming?"  
  
"...I never thought I'd be glad to be holding a chunk of my own guts in my hand, but you know, this pretty much does the trick."  
  
"Well, to me it looks more like an ominous, forbidding wire of death." 


	6. Goban Sho

Goban Sho  
  
-----  
  
Flashback!  
  
{Tifa climbed up to the well at Nibelheim, where Trent had asked to meet her.  
  
"So," he said, "You like...stuff?"  
  
"Yeah, sure," she replied, "Stuff is wonderful. I used to have a great big trunk full of stuff, but it caught fire."  
  
"That sux0r."  
  
"Yeah. Sux0r hardcore. What is it you wanted to see me about?"  
  
"I go bye-bye soon. Want to fight crime, like Batman."  
  
"Jeez. All the boys are motoring out of here so fast you'd swear that we were running that damn Barq's root beer commercial."  
  
"Whaddaya mean, Barq's has bite?"  
  
"Don't make me kick your ass, Trent."  
  
"Sorry."  
  
"Hey, Trent..."  
  
"Yuh?"  
  
"Are you the devil?"  
  
"Nope."  
  
"Are you sure?"  
  
"Yeah, pretty sure. Why?"  
  
"Just checking. A girl likes to know if the boy she's talking to is the devil, that's all."  
  
"Oh. Well I'm not the devil."  
  
"I think you are, you know."  
  
"Well I'm not."  
  
"Aw, come on, fess up, Trent! Admit that you're the devil."  
  
"I already told you, I'm not the devil."  
  
"Admit it! You're the devil, aren't you?"  
  
"OK, I admit it. I'm the devil. Can I go home now?"  
  
"Are you sure that you're the devil?"  
  
"Yes. Absolutely, positively, 100% sure that I am the devil."  
  
"That's what I thought."}  
  
Light. And then, unfortunately, smell. Yes, Tifa Lockheart was indeed having the pleasant experience of waking up to discover that she's been sleeping in a puddle of poo. Just for reference: If you were ever considering going to bed in a puddle of poo, don't. It's a bad idea.  
  
Tifa stood up to find Trent and Aeris also recovering their senses after a short nap in a very unpleasant place. Suddenly, Aeris gasped.  
  
"Dammit, Trent, that's not funny!" she exclaimed.  
  
"What's not funny?"  
  
"That giant stuffed rat"  
  
"Stuffed rat?"  
  
Tifa looked to where Aeris was pointing. There was a rat that was literally bigger than the three of them put together. And it was breathing.  
  
"That," said Tifa, "Is no ordinary rat."  
  
"You know much that is hidden, O Tim," replied Trent.  
  
"Stop calling me Tim!"  
  
"OK, Tim."  
  
"I mean it! Stop!"  
  
"Hey, sure thing, Tim. I'd never do anything to upset you."  
  
"Listen, buddy, if you call me Tim one more time, I'm gonna have to pound you!"  
  
"Don't call me buddy!"  
  
"Sure thing, Ramona."  
  
"My name's not Ramona!"  
  
"OK, Ramona. I won't call you Ramona any more."  
  
"This was funny when I was doing it to you, but now that you're doing it to me, it sucks!"  
  
"You can say that again, Ramona!"  
  
Trent drew his sword. "Let's just call it even, OK?"  
  
"Yeah, OK. Ramona."  
  
During this exchange, Aeris's eyes hadn't left the rat. "Um," she said, "Don't you think we should do something about the giant, slavering predator hovering over our heads?"  
  
Tim...I mean, Tifa looked up and said, "Y'okay. Let's...um...kill it or something."  
  
It had been a lovely day for Randolph the Rat. First, he found a Randolph-sized mousetrap that had already been sprung, so he got to eat the cheese and the rat that had sprung the trap. Now there were visitors in his sewer. Randolph liked visitors. They were cuddly and sang to him. He was beginning to understand that when they made the "Kuso" sound, they were trying to communicate in some way. These new visitors weren't so cute, and made more complicated noises, but Randolph decided that they were OK anyway. They seemed friendly enough. He watched them make noises at one another. One in particular seemed especially friendly, since its eyes never left Randolph. He bent closer to sniff at it, and it let out a loud, high pitched sound that Randolph decided must be some sort of communication. Yes, it was looking more and more like the visitors were actually intelligent!  
  
The next thing to go through Randolph's mind was a sword.  
  
After a moment of disorientation, he stood up. There was a Randolph-sized rat lying motionless on the ground in front of him. That was pretty rare, since Randolph was VERY big. That was why he was so friendly--he didn't have to be afraid of predators. He merrily skipped around, remembering too late that when he skipped in this part of the sewer, he hit his head on the ceiling.  
  
Except that he didn't. His head passed harmlessly into the metal, out the other side, and back down into the sewer. He was facing the other way now, and he saw yet another rat. "Squeak?" he inquired.  
  
SQUEAK, explained the Death of Rats.  
  
Trent climbed up the manhole to find himself in what appeared to be a teenager's bedroom...No wait, check that, it was a train wreck involving at least 26 separate trains. Tifa climbed out, followed closely by Aeris.  
  
"Holy shit," breathed Aeris.  
  
Trent looked back into the sewer, and said, "Yes, it's very impressive."  
  
As the three of them picked their way through the remains of several trains, they each heard, or thought they did, an agonized squeal of "KUSO!"  
  
"What was that?" asked Tifa.  
  
"Dunno," replied Trent, "It sounded like an agonized, dying scream."  
  
"Thanks, Trent, you're a real comfort."  
  
"I does my humble best."  
  
Just then, a ghost floated by them, carrying what appeared to be a moogle's severed head.  
  
Trent remarked, "There's something you don't see every day."  
  
As the party crossed the remainder of the Train Graveyard, they failed to notice the black-cloaked figure who followed them, singing softly under its breath.  
  
All hell had already broken loose when Trent, Tifa, and Aeris reached the tower surrounding the Sector 7 pillar. As they approached the gate, a white, furry shape popped up in front of them, brandishing a spear and screaming "Kuso!" A shadow appeared overhead. The moogle looked up...and was promptly crushed by the falling form of Vedge.  
  
"Shit," said Vedge, "I must have fallen asleep while perched precariously at the top of the tower."  
  
"It happens," replied Trent.  
  
"Kuso," called a plaintive voice from under Vedge's enormous girth  
  
"What did you say?" asked Trent.  
  
"Huh? Nothing." said Vedge.  
  
"Oh. It must have been my imagination then."  
  
There was another muffled "Kuso!", but nobody was listening anymore, certainly not Vedge, who was now too busy being dead to talk to any trapped moogles.  
  
Tifa turned to Aeris and said, "At my bar in Sector 7, there's a little girl named Marlene. Can you get her the hell out of Sector 7?"  
  
Aeris snapped a smart salute and said, "Aye aye, sir!"  
  
"Don't call me sir, my parents were married."  
  
"OK, Tim."  
  
"Look, bitch, what makes you think that I'm going to let you get away with calling me Tim?"  
  
"I'm the only one who can save your child-friend's life."  
  
"Oh, yeah."  
  
"So long, Tim!"  
  
"So long."  
  
About a quarter of the way up the ladder, Trent and Tifa ran into the dying form of Bigass.  
  
"Heya...Trent", Bigass gasped.  
  
"Heya, Bigass!", responded Trent.  
  
"You remembered my name," gasped Bigass.  
  
"I'd have to be stoned to forget it, Bigass!"  
  
"Heh. Yeah....I (gasp) guess you're (gasp) right."  
  
"So, Bigass, how's that male itch coming?"  
  
"You were (gasp) right, Trent. (gasp)That Gold Bond(r) (gasp) medicated powder (gasp) really did the trick."  
  
"And the dandruff?"  
  
But Bigass's eyes stared at nothing now. His pulse grew cold, his body flaccid. The grim hand of Death laid its icy hand on the shoulder of the valiant hero. So, who wants ice cream?  
  
Half way up the tower, it was Jessie's nearly inert form the Dynamic Duo (er...Trent and Tifa, I mean) encountered.  
  
"Hoya, Trent," Jessie said cheerfully.  
  
"That does it!" screamed Tifa, "I am so sick of everybody paying attention to Trent and ignoring me. What am I, chopped liver?"  
  
"Nope," replied Jessie, "You're definitely a woman. Chopped liver is smaller, and tastes like shit."  
  
"Well," said Trent, "Tifa'd probably taste like shit right now. You see, we just came from the sewer!"  
  
"Oh," said Jessie, "Then I guess this chunk of guts here," she held up a chunk of guts that was no longer attached to her, "must be in some way responsible for my olfactory system. I never thought I'd be glad to be holding a chunk of my own guts in my hand, but you know, this pretty much does the trick." Soon she, too, was staring at nothing except perhaps for the cold, hard face of Death. So Trent ate her guts.  
  
At the top of the tower, they were met with a sight that would send many grown men weeping for their mommies. Yup, Bare-it was there! Screaming profanity at the top of his lungs, firing off round after round of heroic ammunition, hair waving in the wind...well, I guess he didn't really have any hair, but if he did, it would definitely be waving in the wind. As Trent and Tifa reached Bare-it, a Shinra helicopter hove to, and Reno of the Turks jumped out. Unfortunately, he landed on the tower instead of plunging many stories to impact on the cold, unyielding pavement. That would have been cool.  
  
Reno turned to face the Three Amigos (Er, I mean Trent, Tifa, and Bare-It). "I don't suppose," he said, "That you'd care to stand there gaping like morons while I plant an explosive device on this pillar that will send the upper plate crashing down and condemning millions to their fiery deaths?"  
  
The Three Amigos stood still, gaping like morons.  
  
"Gee, thanks," said Reno, and installed the explosives. "Bye-bye", he said, and jumped back on the helicopter.  
  
"By the way," he said, "We've got Aeris!" He gestured to Aeris, who stuck her tongue out at him. Tseng bitch-slapped her.  
  
"Toodles!" called Reno as they buggered off.  
  
The Three Amigos stood still, gaping like morons.  
  
"Hey," said Bare-It, "Do you think we should leave now?"  
  
"OK," replied Trent, and they swung Tarzan-like on a live electrical wire without so much as a shock as the backdrop exploded action-movie like.  
  
Flashback!  
  
{Fish heads, fish heads, roly-poly fish heads! Fish heads, fish heads, eat them up, yum!}  
  
Trent opened his eyes. He noticed that he was in the park just outside Wall Market, with Tifa sitting on the slide, and Bare-It firing rounds into the wreckage where Sector 7 used to be. The dark cloaked figure still sat on the swings, singing, "2, 4, 6, 8, who do we appreciate? Moogles! Moogles! Rah-rah-rah! Flush 'em down the toilet, ha-ha-ha!"  
  
"...telling you, Bare-It," Tifa was saying, "Marlene's alive! I asked Aeris to look after her."  
  
"Who's Aeris?"  
  
"That woman in the helicopter with Reno and Tseng."  
  
"Oh great. So now the fucking Shinra have Marlene, unless that odiferous bitch was a Shinra agent, in which case Marlene's still somewhere under this big-ass pile of wreckage!" Bare-It was quivering in rage.  
  
"Well, OK, but do you want to check?"  
  
"Sure."  
  
The Three Amigos headed south, towards Aeris's house.  
  
As they approached Aeris's house, Trent remembered what Aeris's Mom was like.  
  
"Er," he said, "I just remembered something I gotta do. I'll meet up with you guys after you're done in there."  
  
Tifa asked, "What could be more important than finding out if Marlene's alive?"  
  
Thinking quickly, Trent responded, "I gotta tinkle! kthxbye!" He dashed off towards a wooded area located conveniently nearby.  
  
This is yet another short-ass paragraph.  
  
As Tifa and Bare-It emerged from Aeris's house, Trent came out of the woods, remembering to plaster a relieved look on his face. Once he noticed that Aeris's Mom was staying inside, he really was relieved, so it was an easy pretense to maintain. The Three Amigos headed back towards Wall Market.  
  
"What now?" inquired Bare-It rhetorically.  
  
"Well," said Trent, "I'm pretty sure we should head up to the upper level and kick some serious Shinra ass. I mean, they kinda killed everybody. They're mean."  
  
"Gotta admit, ass-kicking sounds pretty good to me, but how are we gonna get up there?"  
  
"We'll cross that bridge when we come to it."  
  
"I hate to tell you this, Trent, but we kinda are at that bridge."  
  
"Oh. I guess you're right. Fuck."  
  
They proceded in silence until they reached the Don's manor, where three children were playing.  
  
"Hey," said one of the kids, "Do you wanna see something cool? I found a wire that must lead all the way to the upper world!" The three kids dashed off to the east. Curious, the Three Amigos followed them. Two of the kids started climbing the wire, and the third chickened out. The Three Amigos turned to confer.  
  
"Well," said Tifa, "You think we should climb it?"  
  
Bare-It replied, "Hey, that might just look like an ordinary wire to you, but to me, that's a golden, shining wire of hope."  
  
Trent squinted at the wire, pondered a moment, and said, "Nope. Can't say as I agree. It still looks pretty much like an ordinary wire."  
  
Tifa added, "Well, to me it looks more like an ominous, forbidding wire of death."  
  
Now it was Bare-It's turn to squint. "Yeah," he said, "I can see where you'd get that."  
  
"Hey," said Tifa, "Where's Trent?"  
  
They both looked up to find Trent already climbing the wire.  
  
"Well, I guess that's our decision made for us." Bare-It and Tifa hurried after Trent.  
  
Preview of Chapter 6:  
  
"Cute? CUTE? He is a KILLING MACHINE!"  
  
"I gotta go real bad. Like gushing, rushing waterfalls bad."  
  
"I wish I could reach my groin with my tongue," 


	7. Rokuban Sho

Rokuban Sho  
  
-----  
  
After being released from the psychiatrist's office after a period of intense therapy after the episode in the train to Sector 5, Greg the Guard requested a transfer to the Upper portion of Midgar, where he felt he could be safe from the nudist Mr. T. In fact, Greg was posted in the Shinra building itself. I mean, where could you be safe from Mr. T. if not in the headquarters of the world famous Shinra Corporation? Greg put his feet up on his desk.  
  
The revolving doors revolved.  
  
"Oh, shit!" said Greg.  
  
As Trent finished tying up the guards from the first floor, he recognized one.  
  
"Hey," he said, "Do you still have my cat?"  
  
"Cat?", Greg replied, "Oh, you must mean Mittens."  
  
"Mittens?" Trent raged, "You call him fucking MITTENS?"  
  
"Her," corrected Greg, "And what were you calling her?"  
  
"I was calling him Raging Ravenous Wind of Death."  
  
"Raging Ravenous Wind of Death, eh?" replied Greg, "Nice, but it just doesn't have the same ring as 'Mittens' does."  
  
"Yeah, I agree. It's got a better ring. Where the hell do you get off, giving Raging Ravenous Wind of Death such a pansy-ass name?"  
  
"I think calling such a cute little pussy-cat as Mittens something as crude as Wind of Death is mean."  
  
"Cute? CUTE? He is a KILLING MACHINE!"  
  
"What do you mean, killing machine? Mittens is cuddly."  
  
"Cuddly?"  
  
"She likes to have her belly rubbed."  
  
Trent burst into tears.  
  
When the Three Amigos reached the 59th floor, they encountered a patrolled hallway. Bare-It managed to sneak through, followed by Tifa, but Trent was caught by a hallway guard.  
  
"Halt!" called the guard, "Nobody's supposed to be in this hallway!"  
  
Thinking quick, Trent replied, "I'm taking a shortcut to the infirmary. This is an emergency!"  
  
"Emergency, eh? You don't seem to be leaking guts or anything."  
  
"Hemorrhoids. Really bad. Wanna see?"  
  
"Er," said the guard, checking his watch, "I just remembered that I have pressing business elsewhere. Stay out of the halls!" With that, he ran away, fast.  
  
Trent continued towards the top of the building.  
  
Several floors up, the Three Amigos learned that a meeting of the top brass of Shinra, Inc. was about to take place.  
  
Tifa scratched her head and said, "Is there any way we can somehow listen in?"  
  
Bare-It squinted at the door, and started scanning the walls.  
  
"I gotta go potty," Trent said.  
  
"Can't it wait?" replied Bare-It, "We're kinda busy right now."  
  
"I gotta go real bad. Like gushing, rushing waterfalls bad."  
  
"Aw, dammit, now I gotta go, too!"  
  
Tifa coyly inquired, "Can I watch?", but Trent and Bare-It were too preoccupied to notice. As a unit, the three of them made a mad dash for the men's restroom.  
  
"Hey, Trent, do you hear something?" asked Tifa.  
  
"Just hang on," called Bare-It's voice, "I'm almost done."  
  
"Besides that, I mean."  
  
"Yeah," replied Trent, "There are these high-pitched voices chanting, 'kill your mother'. But I hear that all the time. I keep telling the voices that she's been dead for five years, but those seem to be the only three words they know. Just, 'kill your mother, kill your mother, kill your mother'. It kinda gets on your nerves after a while."  
  
"I hear President Shinra, too."  
  
"Oh, yeah, that. I think this pipe leads towards the conference room," replied Trent, heading for the door.  
  
"You think we should listen in?"  
  
Trent halted. "Oh, yeah. I forgot."  
  
The three Amigos crawled into a ventilation pipe, which for some odd reason, widened enough for the three of them to comfortably stretch out when it was over the Conference Room. Bare-It placed a finger over his lips in the universal ssh sign.  
  
Trent giggled and said, "Pipe."  
  
Tifa started to laugh. Bare-It glared and tried to silence them, but soon, he was laughing, too.  
  
Below, Scarlet said, "Kya ha ha! Did someone just say pipe?"  
  
"Pipe!" roared Heidegger, "Gya ha ha!"  
  
President Shinra glared at them both, but then a grin cracked his face. A titter escaped from Reeve. With some difficulty, all four composed themselves.  
  
"Pipe," squeaked President Shinra, setting them all off again.  
  
The four Shinra executives were roaring with laughter when Hojo entered.  
  
"Who's that?" asked Tifa.  
  
"That's Howard Johnson," replied Trent, "He used to be a wealthy real-estate mogul, but when customers at his hotels asked for Coke, he substituted HoJo Cola, and the Coca-Cola company sued his ass off. He got tossed out of his own company, and was forced to come work for Shinra."  
  
Reeve gestured to Hojo and said, "C'mon, Hojo, join us."  
  
Heidegger proffered a can of Coke to Hojo, who glared balefully at him.  
  
"Why the long face, Hojo?" asked Scarlet, and then snickered, "Pipe." Five voices roared with laughter (eight counting the three in the pipe who were trying to be inconspicuous).  
  
"Hey!" said Reeve, face suddenly grave, "I'm out of drugs. Does anybody have some extra drugs?"  
  
With a look of concern on his face, President Shinra passed a joint over to Reeve.  
  
"Much better," he said. And then: "Pipe!"  
  
The room exploded with laughter.  
  
After the meeting concluded, the Three Amigos tried to follow a still tittering Hojo to his laboratory. Hojo puttered around a little, and then buggered off. The Three Amigos examined his lab.  
  
"Holy shit," called Trent softly, "Do you recognize this?"  
  
Bare-It looked in the capsule Trent was gesturing at, and said, "It's like a headless cadaver, except still breathing."  
  
"That's Jehova!" exclaimed Trent, wide-eyed, "It's Sephy Lee Roth's ma."  
  
"You're a poet and didn't know it!"  
  
Trent drew his sword.  
  
"Sorry."  
  
The sword slid back into its sheath.  
  
Bare-It and Trent noticed that Tifa was giggling and pointing at another specimen tank. Inside was something that looked like a dog, except bright red.  
  
"What's so funny?" asked Bare-It.  
  
Tifa, laughing uncontrollably, gestured violently at the dog. Then Bare-It noticed what the dog was doing.  
  
"I wish I could reach my groin with my tongue," he remarked.  
  
Hojo glared at the lab tech who sat in the Control Center, drinking a can of Coca-Cola. He was still glaring when three people came bursting into the room from the direction of the lab. One of them was--Hojo pushed his glasses up and looked again--yes, one of them was indeed buck naked and had a gun grafted onto his arm. It takes all kinds, he thought.  
  
"We're here for Aeris," said the young man with the sword. And the clothes, let us not forget the clothes.  
  
{Aeris?} thought Hojo, {They must mean this Cetra that Tseng brought me. A pity she can't fly. I really wanted one who could fly.}  
  
Hojo turned to the intruders and said, "Who are you?"  
  
"I'm BATMAN!" shouted the young man with the sw--clothes.  
  
The woman whispered in the young man's ear  
  
"I mean, I'm TRENT!" he said.  
  
"Mountains are nice," replied Hojo.  
  
"This is the life," added the naked man.  
  
The lab tech picked this as the time to finish his goddamn coke and do his job. He hit a button, and an escalator started moving. The red doglike creature from the floor below rose into the chamber. The Cetra lass began pounding on the plexiglass partition in panic.  
  
"Let me out!" she cried, "Help me, Batman!"  
  
Batman drew his sword and threw it one-handed at the partition. It bounced off harmlessly, of course, but for some reason, it caused a massive energy fluxuation (Author's Note: I love saying "massive energy fluxuation").  
  
In a panic, Hojo hit the RELEASE buttton, hoping to save his specimens.  
  
At a rate of speed ordinarily associated with electromagnetic radiation, a ball of red fur impacted Hojo.  
  
This sucks, thought Hojo, and passed out.  
  
The "dog" turned to the others and said, "OK, come on, let's get out of here before the men in white coats come."  
  
"You can talk?" asked Tifa incredulously.  
  
"Nope," replied the dog, "Sorry, can't talk, it must be the voices in your head." He squatted and urinated.  
  
"Er, well, what do we call you?" asked Bare-It  
  
"Call me anything you like."  
  
"Anything?"  
  
"Anything."  
  
"Arsechimp it is. Let's go, Arsechimp!"  
  
"We've got to get out of here," said Bare-It, "Let's split up. I'll take Aeris and go down via the stairs, and the rest of you use the elevator." Bare-It and Aeris buggered off.  
  
Trent approached the lab assistant and held out his hand. The lab assistant didn't move. Trent drew his sword, and the lab assistant put his keycard in Trent's outstretched hand.  
  
"Better," he said, and headed off.  
  
The three of them walked back down to the 66th floor, and boarded an elevator. A bald man in a Turk uniform followed them in, and said, "Would you kindly press 'up', please?"  
  
"Is this some kind of a bust?" inquired Tifa.  
  
"Yes," replied the Turk, staring. "It's very impressive."  
  
The party was brought before the President of Shinra, who was dressed in a red felt suit and cap, and a long white beard.  
  
{He really DOES think he's Santa Claus,} thought Trent, {That's pathetic. I ought to chuck a Batarang at him.}  
  
"Ho, ho, ho," said President Shinra, "And a merry Christmas to me! I guess you won't be blowing stuff up anymore."  
  
"You gotta admit," said Bare-It, "Blowing stuff up is fun."  
  
Replied President Shinra, "Well, yes, it is that. Ah, where are your manners. I'd like for you to meet Palmer, head of our Comic Relief department."  
  
"Comic relief?" asked Trent, "How do you provide comic relief in a comedic story?"  
  
"Easy," said Palmer, "You refrain from doing anything funny."  
  
"Oh, you mean like Steve Martin?"  
  
"Yes, he's the god of comedy-film comic relief."  
  
"I always wondered why he was so boring."  
  
"Yup, it's all according to the script."  
  
"You mean you know what's in the script?"  
  
Palmer beamed, "Yes, but I won't tell you how the story ends."  
  
"Are there any blatant plugs for the author's website in the script?"  
  
"You mean Bastardly Productions, that site that's more fun than a piñata filled with bees?"  
  
"Yeah, that's the one. It's at http://gnomes.usuck.com/."  
  
"Nope, sorry, no plugs for http://gnomes.usuck.com/."  
  
"That sucks."  
  
"Yes, but not as much as gnomes do."  
  
With that, the party was led off to separate cells.  
  
Aeris was in a cell to the far left, then Trent and Tifa were in the middle, and Bare-It and Arsechimp on the right.  
  
"Hey Trent," called Tifa.  
  
"Yes, what is it?"  
  
"You want to--"  
  
"Yes."  
  
"Try to escape?" Tifa finished.  
  
"Oh. OK. But it would be a shame not to use this time to--"  
  
"I've got a headache, Trent"  
  
"Damn."  
  
Several minutes passed.  
  
Tifa said, "Well, have you thought of anything yet?"  
  
"Yes," Trent said slowly. "It's a little bit crazy, but it might just work!"  
  
"Oh," asked Tifa, "What did you have in mind?"  
  
"This," responded Trent. He walked towards the door to the cell. Just in front of the door was a mat labelled, WELCOME. Trent lifted the mat, took the key out from underneath it, and unlocked the cell door.  
  
"That was brilliant!" exclaimed Tifa, "What made you think of that?"  
  
Trent pointed at the cell wall, on which a message was written in blood, "Please return the key to its proper place underneath the mat when you have finished escaping."  
  
"Oh," said Tifa, "I guess that might have helped."  
  
"Yes," answered Trent, "And it's a good thing that yon guard is dead, otherwise he would have been poking us full of holes while we talked. Trent let the rest of the group out of their cells, and returned the key to the welcome mat.  
  
Arsechimp bounded out of the cell and sniffed the dead man. "Here," he said, liberating a keycard with his jaws, "Come on, I'll lead the way." He bounded off.  
  
Trent used Tifa's hair to wipe the slaver off of the keycard and pocketed it. They pursued Arsechimp down the hallway. They found him sniffing at a door.  
  
Trent waited a moment, and softly inquired, "What did you find?"  
  
"Piss," replied Arsechimp, "I think there might be another dog in the area."  
  
"Nope," answered Bare-It, "I pissed over there on the way in."  
  
Arsechimp bounded onward, disappointed.  
  
The party burst into the lower section of Howard Johnson's lab.  
  
"Oh shit!" exclaimed Trent.  
  
"Wha?" asked Bare-It.  
  
Soundlessly, Trent pointed towards the capsule that had contained Jehova.  
  
"Damn," said Bare-It, "Who would have thought a headless naked chick could escape from a capsule?"  
  
"Jehova's not just any headless naked chick like you might meet on the streets of Midgar, or Calgary. Jehova's Sephy's mom."  
  
"You might meet Sephy's mom on the streets of Calgary?"  
  
"No, I just mean that Calgary's chock full of headless naked chicks."  
  
"Doesn't that raise a few eyebrows?"  
  
"Bare-It, if you think that that's the weirdest thing that you might meet in Calgary, I hope you never have occasion to leave your sheltered society."  
  
"Well, what now?" asked Aeris.  
  
"We're going after Jehova."  
  
Nothing could have prepared Trent for what he saw when he entered President Shinra's office. The fat man was laying facedown on his desk with a big-ass sword through him, and Palmer was blubbering in the middle of the floor.  
  
"This can only mean one thing," said Trent.  
  
"Oh, really?" asked Aeris, "It isn't so obvious to me!"  
  
"That's Sephy Lee Roth's sword. Only he can use it. If he's here, and he broke Jehova free, and killed Santa, it must mean...He's after the Official Bastardly Productions Trousers!"  
  
"Bastardly Productions Trousers?" asked Aeris, "You mind explaining the logic behind that?"  
  
"Yes, I do. Who needs logic? Remember Final Fantasy 1? Those Light Warriors just came out of nowhere! If they don't need logic in Final Fantasy, we don't need logic here. What's important is that we get the Trousers before Sephy does, because there's no telling what he might do with that kind of power."  
  
Finally, Bare-It strode over to Palmer, and said, "What exactly happened here?"  
  
Palmer blubbered, "Sephy Lee Roth came in here, killed Santa, and shouted, 'MINE, MINE, THE PANTS WILL BE MINE', and then buggered off with a headless naked chick. Then some lawyers came in and told me that Shinra, Inc., had been bought out by (sob) the Hair Club for Men!"  
  
A scream of terrible agony worked its way out of Bare-It's throat, "NOOOOOOOOO! Not the HAIR CLUB FOR MEN!" Bare-It collapsed on the floor beside Palmer, weeping.  
  
With an effort, Trent blinked away his tears. "Wh...who's in charge here, now?"  
  
Arsechimp replied, "The president of the Hair Club for Men is named Cyril Rufus. He's a mean motherfucker, and not only is he the president of the Hair Club for Men...he's also a client."  
  
"Bastard!" breathed Tifa.  
  
The sound of a helicopter approached from outside.  
  
"Shit!" exclaimed Trent, "You guys get out of here--Meet me on the ground floor. I'll try to keep this sonofabitch busy!"  
  
Without argument, Arsechimp, Tifa, Aeris, and Bare-It left.  
  
Trent stepped out onto the rooftop. Rufus was just climbing down from the helicopter. He released his grip on the landing gear, and the building thundered with the impact of his cloven hooves. He reached up, tested the sharpness of his horns with one finger, and sucked the blood off. His eyes glowed red, and the odor of sulphur pervaded the entire room.  
  
Rufus glanced at Trent and said, "Hello, little boy. Would you like a lollipop?"  
  
Trent drew his sword and said, "No, I don't think so, baldie. I've got something for you!" He leaped and slashed at Rufus.  
  
Rufus was hurled across the room. He landed on his ass, and tears welled up in his blood-red eyes. "You...you're mean," he blubbered, "You mean, mean, meanie!"  
  
Trent softened. "I'm sorry," he said, "I thought you were, um, evil or something."  
  
"SUCKER!" exclaimed Rufus, and kicked Trent in the nuts.  
  
Tifa looked upwards at the clatter from the stairs. Yes! It was Trent!  
  
"Come on!" she called out, "I've found us transportation!" She gestured at a pickup truck and a motorcycle. Then she said, "Hey, are you OK?"  
  
In a squeaky, high pitched voice, Trent replied, "Um, I did beat Rufus, but...I don't think I can ride that."  
  
What the hell? thought Tifa, What happened to his voice?  
  
"Well, then, I guess we'll have to settle for that station wagon." The party piled in, with Tifa driving.  
  
Before long, the sound of pursuit came. Looking over her shoulder, Tifa spotted men on motorcycles in the uniform of RAZOR, the enforcement division employed by the Hair Club for Men.  
  
"Drive faster!" urged Bare-It.  
  
"This is as fast as it goes!" exclaimed Tifa.  
  
"Are we there yet?" called Aeris's voice from the back.  
  
"I have to pee!" added Trent in a squeaky voice.  
  
"We're not there yet! Hold it in!" Tifa snarled, throwing a banana peel out the window. One of the RAZOR fellows skidded and collapsed on the banana peel in classic comic fashion.  
  
"I really don't think banana peels should work on motorbikes," commented Bare-It.  
  
"You want to go back and help him up?"  
  
"Are we there yet?" called Aeris.  
  
"She's touching me!" squeaked Trent.  
  
"No, we're not there," said Tifa, "And quit touching him!"  
  
"He did it first!"  
  
"Did not!"  
  
"Did too!"  
  
"Did not!"  
  
"Did not!"  
  
"Did too...HEY!"  
  
"Are we there yet?"  
  
"Nobody touch anybody! And we are NOT BLOODY THERE YET!"  
  
A gloomy silence fell over the vehicle, narrowly missing it and disabling two of the RAZOR security guards. Several silent minutes passed, and then:  
  
"Are we there yet?"  
  
Tifa grated, "We are a long, long way from being there, OK?"  
  
"She's touching me again!"  
  
"Bare-It, reach back there and slap those two!"  
  
"Noooo!" squealed Aeris.  
  
"Then be good!," raged Tifa.  
  
Several more minutes of silence, and then, "Are we there yet?"  
  
"NO! And if you don't shut up, you are never going to get there!"  
  
"I don't have to pee anymore," came Trent's plaintive voice.  
  
"Aw shit!" yelled Tifa.   
  
Trent burst into tears. "Stop yelling at us."  
  
"He's touching me again!"  
  
"Are we there yet?"  
  
Tifa screamed.  
  
After a long drive, Tifa hauled Trent and Aeris bodily out of the back of the station wagon, and Bare-It and Arsechimp pushed it over the edge of a cliff. The RAZOR guards, who were instructed to chase the car, merrily drove over the cliff to their deaths.  
  
"OK," said Bare-It, "So we've got to chase after Sephy Lee Roth and stop him from getting the Official Bastardly Productions Trousers. Clearly, he's not planning on sticking around in Midgar, so we'd better chase him. This group needs a leader, and it's gonna be me! Any questions?"  
  
"I think Trent should be our leader," said Aeris.  
  
"Yeah, me too," added Tifa.  
  
"When in Rome," said Arsechimp quietly, and then "I guess that makes it three for Trent, a simple majority no matter how he votes. Hey Trent! You're our leader now!"  
  
"Wha?" called Trent from the side of the road.  
  
"I said you're our leader!"  
  
"Just hang on a sec! I can't hear you!"  
  
"Wait there! I'll come tell you," called Aeris.  
  
"NO!" exclaimed Trent, "Can't you see I'm doing God's work over here?"  
  
Thirty seconds later, Trent rejoined the group, and confronted Arsechimp, drawing his sword, "What's this I hear about you calling me a beater?"  
  
"I said you were our leader"  
  
"Sure," Trent said sarcastically, rolling his eyes, "I'm sure you would never call me a beater."  
  
"What's a beater?" asked Aeris innocently.  
  
"Never mind," said Bare-It, and turned to Trent, tossing a small black object at him. "This is the Party Hentai System, or PHS for short."  
  
"Really?" asked Trent, "It looks kinda like a cell phone to me."  
  
"Er, it is," said Bare-It, "But it could be used for Hentai."  
  
"How?"  
  
"Shut yo' mouth, foo'!"  
  
"Hey, Bare-It, were were you keeping this thing?"  
  
Bare-It blushed.  
  
"Yuck!" exclaimed Trent, tossing it to the grass, "I ain't touching THAT thing until it's been disinfected!"  
  
The party split into two groups and made their way towards Kalm, in the north. Their departure was not unnoticed, however. A shadowy, dark cloaked figure nodded at the furry white creature with blood-red eyes, and separately, they set off after the party.  
  
Preview of Chapter 7:  
  
"Did you paw through my underwear?"  
  
"Quit humping my leg."  
  
"Uh-oh. Aeris, quick, get a hose!" 


	8. Shichiban Sho

Shichiban Sho  
  
-----  
  
When the party reached Kalm, they met at the Inn.  
  
"Trent," called Bare-It  
  
"Yes?"  
  
"Tell me a story."  
  
"There once was a man named Dave, who found a dead --"  
  
"That's not a story, that's a dirty limerick."  
  
"Sorry....Um...Well, listen to the story 'bout a love gone wrong --"  
  
"That's not a story, that's a song about John Wayne Bobitt set to the tune of the theme from 'The Beverly Hillbillies'."  
  
"Sorry....Um....Let me tell you about the time that I caught that massive trout in the Goober River, and--Hey, Bare-It!"  
  
"Wha?"  
  
"Wake up, I'm telling a story here!"  
  
"Is it the one about the massive trout?"  
  
"Yes, as a matter of fact, it--Dammit, Bare-It, wake up!"  
  
"Do you promise you won't tell the story about the trout?"  
  
"Well...OK, no trout story."  
  
Several minutes passed.  
  
"Hey Trent," called Bare-It.  
  
"Yes?"  
  
"Tell me a story."  
  
So Trent sat down to tell the story of how Sephy Lee Roth went bad.  
  
"It was a dark and stormy night, and-"  
  
"Hey, I thought this was going to be a true story!" interrupted Bare-It.  
  
"It is a true story," answered Trent, "Just because something happened on a dark and stormy night doesn't mean that it's not a true story. Terribly sorry, Bare-It, but Sephy didn't consult the fucking weather before he lost his goddamn mind."  
  
"No story that starts with 'It was a dark and stormy night' is true."  
  
"Bare-It, have you ever seen a dark and stormy night?"  
  
"You mean like last Thursday? Sure."  
  
"Well, I guess it didn't really happen, because the sun wasn't shining."  
  
"Hey, all I said was--"  
  
"Do you want to hear this story or not?"  
  
"I'll be good."  
  
"It was a dark and stormy night, and the Shinra had been called in due to monsters being sighted around Nibelheim, the town where I grew up. It all started in the truck on the way in.  
  
"I'm bored," I said.  
  
Sephy replied, "Yeah, me too."  
  
"Wanna play charades?"  
  
"Sure. What's this."  
  
"Um...it's a...um...can I have a hint?"  
  
"OK, it is something that flies"  
  
"Oh, geez, this is tough...is it...a cat? A mouse! No, no, wait...It's a bird! It's a plane! Oh! oh! I've got it! It's Superman!"  
  
"Yes, Superman it is. Your turn."  
  
"OK, what's....THIS?"  
  
"That's a cross-section of a particle accelerator"  
  
"Damn!"  
  
Then, one of the grunt soldiers said, "Are we there yet?", and Sephy casually beheaded him. Four minutes and thirty-eight seconds later, the truck was rolled onto its roof. We emerged from the back of the truck to find that there was a dragon playing with it. I stood there like a brick of shit while Sephy disembowelled the dragon. Coincidentally, we were just outside the gates of Nibelheim anyway. We walked through the town gates, and Sephy turned to one of the grunt soldiers who had come with us and said, "Are you OK, son?"  
  
"Yeah," replied the kid, "I think I'll be OK."  
  
"It might help you overcome your motion sickness if you take your helmet off."  
  
"No, I like the groovy night-vision effects"  
  
"Yeah. Those goggles are spiffy. Almost makes me want to be a grunt instead of the head of SOLDIER."  
  
"You want to trade jobs?"  
  
"Naw, because as head of SOLDIER, I can do THIS", and Sephy gestured at a house, which burst into flames. "Magic is cool," he concluded.  
  
Sephy and the others headed for the Inn, but I went to see my mother, and then to the house next to it."  
  
"Trent?" asked Tifa.  
  
"Yes?"  
  
"Did you go in my house?"  
  
"Yes."  
  
"Did you go in my room?"  
  
"Yes."  
  
"Did you take photographs?"  
  
"Yes."  
  
"Did you play my piano?"  
  
"Yes."  
  
"Did you pee on my carpet?"  
  
"Yes."  
  
"Did you paw through my underwear?"  
  
"Y..no."  
  
"Oh, good. That's a relief. Continue with your story."  
  
"Much later that night, I returned to the Inn. Sephy was the only one still awake. He was sitting on a balcony, drinking beer. I grabbed a cold one and joined him.  
  
"Wolves are cool," I said.  
  
"Yeah," replied Sephy, "They are."  
  
"What'cha looking at?"  
  
Sephy gestured with his beer bottle. I looked down, cursing my lack of night vision goggles, and could barely make out...dogs mating.  
  
Sephy giggled, "Isn't that gross?"  
  
"Yeah," I responded. We sat down and watched the two dogs grinding at each other, and--  
  
"Arsechimp?"  
  
"Yes?"  
  
"Quit humping my leg."  
  
"Do I have to?"  
  
"I'm gonna call that a 'Yes'."  
  
"Damn."  
  
"The next day, we started for the reactor, deep inside the Nibelheim mountains. Sephy had hired a guide. It was probably somebody I knew, but I just stared at her butt-ugly hat. It was a terrible hat. I've seen better hats hanging out of a dog's mouth. I mean, I know my hats, and it was one bad hat. I had nightmares about that hat for months.  
  
Some twit asked me and Sephy (Mostly just Sephy, actually) to pose for a picture with the hat..I mean, guide. A few minutes later, we were underway. We'd gone about twelve meters when the bridge collapsed from under us. Normally, people who fall off of suspension bridges in knife-peaked, treacherous mountains don't live to tell the tale, but for some reason, none of us had worse than a few bruises. I guess it's something like the same principle that let me fall hundreds of feet from the upper plate at the Sector 5 reactor, through the church roof, and live. I think Main Characters have invisible parachutes or something.  
  
We dusted ourselves off and headed into the caves of Nibelheim. Shortly, we encountered one of the fabled Mako springs.  
  
"Holy heapin' hunks of himno!" exclaimed the hat...I mean, guide, "What the hell is that?"  
  
"Don't you know anything?" replied Sephy.  
  
"Well, I know my times tables."  
  
"What's six times four?"  
  
"Shut up."  
  
"No, actually it's 26."  
  
"Are you saying that's a heap of 26 over there?"  
  
"No, that's a Mako spring. It's where materia is formed in its natural shape."  
  
"Oh. Cool. So what's 26?"  
  
"Um...six times four is 26."  
  
"No it's not."  
  
"That's right, it's a Mako spring."  
  
"OK. Got it. Six times four is a Mako spring."  
  
Sephy looked a little puzzled, but let the subject drop.  
  
Several minutes later, the Mako Reactor loomed above us. Sephy motioned for me to join. The hat-guide started to come along, but Sephy said no.  
  
"Please?" she asked.  
  
"No," replied Sephy.  
  
"I'll give you a cookie."  
  
Sephy wavered, and I stepped in and said, "No."  
  
Sephy glared at me, but let it slide.  
  
"I'll give you my hat."  
  
This didn't even tempt Sephy a bit. Together, we went in. Sephy started looking through some tanks on the west end of the room, and I started on the east. Several minutes later, he let out a startled gasp. I rushed over to investigate, and peered into the tank.  
  
There, inside the tank, was a newly forming salesman.  
  
"Angels and ministers of grace defend us," I breathed, "How could such a monstrosity be unleashed upon this world?"  
  
Sephy, pale, answered, "I think...I think...that they're doing this on purpose. Infusing human beings with Mako...Like when making SOLDIER members, only a stronger concentration."  
  
"Bastards!" I exclaimed.  
  
"Was," stammered Sephy, licking his lips, "Was...I...made this way?"  
  
He howled and drew his sword, slashing about wildly. I nimbly leaped out of the way, but he punctured a tank, and fluid gushed out, as did several fish. A cat napping in the corner lost an ear, and hissed at Sephy, but finally showed the prudence to get the hell out of the way.  
  
That evening, we returned to the Shinra manor. Sephy found a hidden passage, and went to study in the hidden basement library. After a decent interval, I went after him.  
  
"Erm," I coughed, "Wolves are cool?"  
  
Sephy turned, and looked at me, eyes glowing cyan. A shiver ran down my spine, then up again, and did the dance of joy on my head. Then it jumped down and started humping Sephy's leg--  
  
"Arsechimp?"  
  
"Yes?"  
  
"Get away from me."  
  
"Where was I? Oh yes. Sephy's gaze held mine for a long instant, and he said, "This doesn't concern you. Go to sleep."  
  
I returned upstairs and slept.  
  
Later that night, I was awakened by the sounds of human torment. I sat bolt upright. The grunt soldier who had been sitting outside my room was missing his head. I burst out of the Shinra manor to find Nibelheim in flames. I saw the last surviving grunt soldier laying on the ground, and checked his pulse. A man rushed out of a nearby building and called out, "Are you still sane?"  
  
I never was sane, but I reassured him that I was. He said he'd help out on one end of the city, and I should do the other. I turned around--  
  
And saw my mother's blackened corpse arrayed outside the remains of her house. She had died trying to escape through the upstairs window.  
  
"For this," I screamed, "Sephy Lee Roth must DIE!"  
  
I drew my sword and scanned the wreckage of the village I had grown up in. There, off towards the Shinra Manor was my adversary. As I watched, too far away to do any good, he casually sliced an old man in half. His eyes met mine, and he laughed. Slowly, casually, he turned around and disappeared into the flames.  
  
I pursued Sephy through the Nibelheim Mountains until we reached the Mako Reactor. Just outside the reaction chamber, I saw our hat guide crouched beside a corpse--  
  
"That guide...was that you, Tifa?"  
  
Tifa was too choked up with the memory of her father's death to do anything but nod.  
  
"So it was Tifa, then. Crouched beside her father's corpse, she swore vengeance against Shinra and Sephy Lee Roth, just as I had only minutes ago (But blast, it seemed like hours!). Tifa ran off to confront Sephy. Knowing I was too late, I rushed after her.  
  
I passed through the doors to the reaction chamber just in time to see Sephy slice Tifa from chin to belly. She crumpled like a rag doll down the stairs. As I stood over her crumpled form, I heard, "Trent...our promise...you never came..." Then her eyes closed, and she lay still.  
  
Blinking back tears, I pursued Sephy through the next portal.  
  
He was standing there in front of Jehova, laughing maniacally.  
  
"Sephy Roth!" I screamed, drawing my sword. "How dare you? How dare you! I gave you everything. Years of my life! We fought together in the war, and you repay me by destroying my hometown? By killing my mother, and Tifa, and her father. You son of a whore, I TRUSTED you!"  
  
Sephy spoke only a single word: "Fool."  
  
"Trent?" Tifa asked.  
  
"Hmm?"  
  
"How bad...was I?"  
  
"Dead. I could have sworn you were dead. But, hey, I guess you must have pulled through. I...don't remember what happened after that. Don't remember how I challenged Sephy Lee Roth...and lived."  
  
"RIPOFF!" exclaimed Bare-It, spraying popcorn across the floor, "You mean to tell me you brought us this far, and you're not even going to tell us how it ended? This is like one of those 'To Be Continued...' episodes on TV. You're a poop head, Trent Strife. Poop. Head!"  
  
"So," asked Aeris, "What's next. Do we just sit here until Sephy finds the Trousers, or do we go after him?"  
  
"Sit here," sulked Bare-It.  
  
"That was a rhetorical question."  
  
"Oh."  
  
Trent, Aeris, and Arsechimp decided to go out looking for clues as to where Sephy might have gone, leaving Tifa with her re-awakened grief for the death of her father, and Bare-It to his hissy fit.  
  
One young lady approached the group, petted Arsechimp, and said, "What a nice puppy!" and then happily walked off, while Trent and Aeris worked to restrain the enraged canine.  
  
"Did you hear that?" raged Arsechimp, "Me? A puppy? That's so insulting. Why, I oughtta...." he railed on for several more minutes, while a crowd of bystanders came to gawk at the talking dog.  
  
"Hey!" called one of the bystanders, "Can he fetch, too?"  
  
Trent expected to have to restrain Arsechimp again, but found him preoccupied. He traced the path of Arsechimp's eyes, and found...a poodle, with a nice pink bow in her hair.  
  
"Uh-oh. Aeris, quick, get a hose!"  
  
Arsechimp sniffed. "I am in perfect control of myself. But...damn, she's fine."  
  
Trent decided to take advantage of the crowd to ask a few questions. He motioned to one bystander, and said, "Have you seen anything...out of the ordinary lately?"  
  
"Aw, no, life is good. We've got ample energy, and ample toupees, and we owe it all to the Hair Club for Men!"  
  
"No, no, I mean, anything locally out of the ordinary. Strangers, strange happenings...preferably the sort that happen whether or not drugs have been ingested.  
  
"Hey," volunteered another bystander, "I saw a guy go by in a black cape yesterday, headed east towards the grasslands."  
  
{Bingo!}  
  
"Yeah, me too," added a second bystander, "Except the guy I saw was headed west."  
  
{Oh, shit!}  
  
"Me too!" chirped a third, "He bought seven plums from the peddler and headed off towards Midgar!"  
  
"Yes," said a fourth, "Black capes are very much in style these days."  
  
"Yep," said the second bystander, "Very vogue. Very sexy."  
  
The third bystander added, "The guy I saw in the black cape was wearing the latest. He looked suave in it. Hey buddy," he said, turning to Trent, "Do you want to buy a black cape?"  
  
"Don't call me buddy."  
  
"OK, Ramona, do you want to buy a black cape?"  
  
Trent drew his sword.  
  
"Guess not, Ramona."  
  
Trent beheaded the third bystander.  
  
"Hey, that reminds me," said the first bystander, "The guy I saw headed east had a headless naked chick with him!"  
  
"That's the guy I'm looking for," Trent said, sheathing his sword, "Thanks."  
  
"Don't mention it, Ramona!"  
  
From a window overlooking the town of Kalm, a black-cloaked figure watched the scene below him and sang his ABC's.  
  
Preview of Chapter 8:  
  
"Oh, yeah, he's a nice fellow alright! Raving nazi, but you'll never meet a nicer fellow."  
  
"I'm not carrying a sack of chocobo shit around."  
  
"Every sperm is saaaaaaacred..." 


	9. Hachiban Sho

Hachiban Sho  
  
-----  
  
At sunrise, Trent, Bare-It, and Aeris left the town of Kalm, bound for the grasslands where Sephy Lee Roth had last been seen with Jehova. Aeris, always an early riser, had already been up for an hour before the three of them headed out. She was humming cheerfully and setting a brisk pace.  
  
"Mornings suck," griped Bare-It, "It's cold and unpleasant, and the goddamn sun's not even up yet."  
  
Trent yawned and said nothing. Aeris pointedly ignored Bare-It's commentary.  
  
The three walked in near silence for about an hour. Finally, a house showed up on the horizon.  
  
Bare-It groaned, "Thank heavens. Can we stop for a coffee?"  
  
"Nope," replied Trent, "It's still too early." He paced on, unconcerned, until Bare-It fired a round over his head.  
  
"Smarten up, Bare-It."  
  
Bare-It sulked, and they proceded past the house and onto the marshland.  
  
"This is boring," complained Bare-It, "I wish something interesting would happ-"  
  
A 40 foot tall cobra burst out of a hole in the ground, hissing menacingly.  
  
"Er, actually," said Bare-It, "I was kinda hoping for something funny or otherwise entertaining."  
  
The snake said, "Well, at times like this, I always like to saaaaaaaaaaaaaaay...."  
  
Hundreds of children burst out of holes in the ground singing,  
  
Every sperm is sacred!  
  
Every sperm is great!  
  
If a sperm is wasted,  
  
God gets quite irate!  
  
The children began to dance, forming a well choreographed circle around the big cobra, who was singing in unison with them, hissing his sibilants. Well-dressed young men descended from the mountains, playing trumpets and saxophones.  
  
Abruptly, the din faded to silence, and one angel-faced young girl stepped to the fore, addressed Bare-It, and sang in a heartbreakingly beautiful voice,  
  
All things dull and ugly  
  
All creatures great and small  
  
All things crude and nasty  
  
The Lord God made them all  
  
Each nasty litle hornet  
  
Each beastly little squid  
  
Who made the spiky urchin?  
  
Who made the sharks? HE DID!  
  
On cue, the rest of the children burst into song and the trumpets resumed.  
  
Eventually, however, the music died down, and the children returned to bed.  
  
"Now," hissed the cobra, "It is dinner time for me!" It raised itself up to full height, and plunged down towards Bare-It--  
  
Missing him entirely, and impacting just behind him. The cobra's head came up again, leaving the headless remains of a furry white figure with a spear poised to strike Bare-It's back.  
  
"Um, RUN!" exclaimed Aeris.  
  
Thinking it was futile, the three of them ran back towards the house in the grasslands, pursued by the giant cobra.  
  
Trent was surprised to notice that when they left the marsh, the cobra stopped pursuing. He was winded, but only needed to summon the image of that headless moogle to find the reserve to keep running.  
  
Presently the party reached the house on the grasslands. This time, Bare-It didn't ask for permission. He went straight up to the door and knocked.  
  
An elderly man answered. He looked them over and said, "Let me guess--You ran into the Midgar Zolom?"  
  
"The what?" inquired Aeris.  
  
"Big ol' snake. Likes to sing."  
  
"Oh, yeah. We met him alright."  
  
"Clever bastard. Likes to wear ya down with dancing and merriment. Makes you easier prey, y'see."  
  
"Er...he seemed like a nice enough fellow to me, right up to the whole attempting-to-eat-us thing."  
  
"Oh, yeah, he's a nice fellow alright! Raving Nazi, but you'll never meet a nicer fellow. Come on in. I'll set you up."  
  
"Um, set us up?" inquired Trent.  
  
"Yeah, if you want to get by the Zolom, you're gonna have to be faster than it--for that, you'll need a chocobo--and I can sell you chocobo lure!"  
  
"This isn't a farm, then."  
  
"Aw, hell no! I make a career of selling chocobo lure. Every fool who comes through here needs to get some."  
  
"Got a deal worked out with the Zolom, do you"  
  
"Y-no!"  
  
"Oh, OK. You should, though. Make more money that way."  
  
"Yes, but it would be totally unethical. I'm a man of honor."  
  
With Bare-It equipped with chocobo lure, the party wandered the grasslands, hoping to encounter one of the elusive animals. For seven days and seven nights did they search fruitlessly, and on the eighth day, did the Lord say--  
  
"Hey numbnuts!"  
  
Bare-It sat bolt upright in the chill predawn hours. Arsechimp was hunched over him. Trent and Aeris were yawning, having been awakened somewhat more gently by Tifa.  
  
"Wha'sa matter?" inquired Bare-It sleeplessly.  
  
"Why've you been pissing around here so long?" asked Arsechimp.  
  
"We've been trying to catch a chocobo, so that big-ass snake doesn't make us into a nice light snack!"  
  
"Why are you searching over here instead of over there?" asked Arsechimp, gesturing with his nose towards a verdant plain.  
  
"What's that spot got that this brown, disgusting grass doesnt?"  
  
"It's covered in chocobo shit"  
  
"Oh."  
  
"It makes great fertilizer, you know"  
  
"That's nice."  
  
"I mean really great fertilizer."  
  
"I'm not carrying a sack of chocobo shit around."  
  
"Damn."  
  
Trent, Bare-It, and Arsechimp crossed the marsh on the back of a chocobo. They dismounted, and turned towards the gate. Bare-It gasped, and Trent turned to see what he was looking at--  
  
It was the Midgar Zolom, impaled on a big-ass spike.  
  
A young girl was moping disconsolately by the snake, mournfully singing, "Every sperm is saaaaaaacred..."  
  
Bare-It turned to Trent. "The guy we're chasing can do that?"  
  
Trent nodded. Barely above a whisper, he added, "What's more, he can burp the alphabet."  
  
"Bastard!"  
  
A human head popped out of the snake's ass, followed shortly by the rest of a man. He scraped snake shit off of himself as best he could, nose wrinkling in distaste. He was attempting to comb the snake shit out of his beard when he spotted the party.  
  
"Do not go in there!" he said.  
  
"We won't," Trent assured him.  
  
Beyond the Zolom lay a tunnel. Trent preceded the others into it. It was nice and dank. Several mushrooms were growing in a corner. (Dank environments are ideal for mushroom growth, you know). He idly picked a few mushrooms and nibbled on them while he waited for Bare-It to squeeze through the narrow opening. Once everybody was in, they continued through the cave.  
  
Poppin' Fresh leapt up in front of Trent and said, "Halt! We Turks will not allow you to pass!"  
  
"I didn't know you were a Turk, Poppin' Fresh!" exclaimed Trent.  
  
"Wha...?"  
  
Trent poked the doughboy in the belly.  
  
"He-he!"  
  
Trent began to hear the song In The Hall of the Mountain King play, as gigantic condoms began to dance around his head.  
  
Suddenly, the cave wall exploded, and Catwoman jumped out, and said, "Sir! Tseng is coming!"  
  
"What the hell? Elena, what are you doing here?" asked Poppin' Fresh in irritation, and turned to Catwoman.  
  
"Ah-hah!" exclaimed Trent, and mightily flung a batarang at his arch-nemesis.  
  
"..The fuck?" said Catwoman, "A mushroom?" She ate it, and continued, "Hey! Poppin' Fresh! What have you done with Reno? He was here a minute ago!"  
  
"I'm right here!" exclaimed Poppin' Fresh in irritation. Trent handed him a mushroom.  
  
"What? Oh, I love fresh mushrooms!" Poppin' Fresh popped the offering into his mouth, and continued, "Hey! Batman! Can I have your autograph?  
  
Trent patted his chest, and said, "Jeez, I'm out of paper again!"  
  
"Sign my bum instead!" Poppin' Fresh dropped his pants.  
  
"Aw, man, I don't have a pen, either!"  
  
"Use this knife!" suggested Poppin' Fresh.  
  
Carefully, Trent wrote "Batman" on Poppin' Fresh's bum with the penknife.  
  
A spider descended from a stalactite, and resolved into the shape of Gilbert Gottfried.  
  
"Whaaaaattaya doin?" exclaimed Gottfried, "Dammit, Reno, pull yer pants up! Nobody wants ta see ya bum!"  
  
Poppin' Fresh stuffed a mushroom into Gottfried's open mouth.  
  
"Hey, fellas," called Catwoman, "You got the feeling there's something we should be doin'?"  
  
"Yeah," said Gilbert, "I think we was supposta find Sephy Lee Roth, who's fled to Junon Harbor, but we were supposed to make sure nobody else knew where we was goin'!"  
  
Poppin' Fresh added, "There's another secret we're supposed to keep, too..."  
  
Gilbert put in, "Oh, yeah, we're not supposed to tell anybody that the combination to the wallsafe that President Rufus keeps his personal porn collection in is 36-4-12!"  
  
"You don't suppose he'll begrudge our sharing that little bit of information with Batman, do ya?"  
  
"Aw, hell, we can tell Batman anything!"  
  
Bare-It and Arsechimp, who hadn't tried any mushrooms, just stood there with their jaws agape.  
  
Later that night, when Trent had recovered from his trip, Aeris and Tifa caught up with the rest of the party.  
  
"You wouldn't believe--" Aeris begain.  
  
"Oh, yes, I would," groaned Trent.  
  
"'Shrooms." Bare-It explained.  
  
Aeris giggled, and Trent threw a rock at her.  
  
"Whose turn is it to cook?" Tifa inquired brightly.  
  
"Mine," answered Bare-It, and Trent groaned again. Bare-It threw a rock at him. The rock sailed over Trent's head, bounced off of one tree, and went flying behind another. There was a dull thud.  
  
"Kuso!"  
  
Another dull thud.  
  
In keeping with the spirit of things, Tifa whipped a rock at Arsechimp. Arsechimp leapt and caught a branch with this teeth. Aeris threw another rock at him, but aimed just a little too high...  
  
Later, when Arsechimp had pulled all of the bee stings out of everybody, they agreed that it was not a good idea to play with rocks.  
  
Trent sighed and sat down. Then he yelped and jumped six feet into the air.  
  
"You missed one," he said to Arsechimp accusingly.  
  
A giggle wafted out from behind another tree.  
  
Instantly alert, all five of the party members drew their weapons.  
  
"Oh shit!" the voice said, and then the party was engulfed in flames.  
  
Rolling in multiple directions, they converged on the offending tree, and discovered a ninja behind it. In short order, they had defeated and disarmed her.  
  
"You cheated!" she accused.  
  
"How do you cheat in combat?" asked Aeris incredulously.  
  
"There are five of you and one of me. If it had been one on one, you'd have been scared to fight me!"  
  
"Well, you got me," said Trent dryly, rolling his eyes.  
  
"See?" said the ninja, who hadn't seen the eye-roll, "Well, since you admit that you ph33r my 37337 f1gh71ng sk177z, I'll join you! My name is Yuppie Pissanti."  
  
"Quick," said Trent, "I think she's serious! Let's bugger off."  
  
The five of them set off in five different directions.  
  
"Hey!" exclaimed Yuppie, "Wait for me!"  
  
Preview of Chapter 9:  
  
"I miss my head"  
  
"Say, is that snot on your shoe?"  
  
"I have PMS and want to kill something" 


	10. Kyuban Sho

Kyuban Sho  
  
-----  
  
Sephy Lee Roth entered Junon Town under the cover of darkness. As always, the voice of his mother spoke directly into his mind:  
  
"I miss my head," she said.  
  
"Yes, mummy."  
  
"I really think you should get rid of that sword."  
  
"No, mummy."  
  
"Don't you think it's just a little too big?"  
  
"No, mummy."  
  
"I still think that if you had been using a slightly smaller sword back in Nibelheim, you wouldn't have cut my head off."  
  
"It was an accident, mummy."  
  
"I know, dear, I know."  
  
Sephy turned around, accidentally cutting away several key joists with his sword, causing a house to collapse.  
  
"My house!" blubbered an old man, "My beautiful house! All gone!" He began to wail mournfully.  
  
"Terribly sorry," said Sephy.  
  
"Why are you so mean?" the old man blubbered.  
  
"I said I was sorry!"  
  
"My house!" protested the old man.  
  
"What do you want me to do?" said Sephy incredulously, "I'm s-o-r-r-y already. Sheesh! Townsfolk". He stalked off.  
  
The old man fell to his knees in front of what remained of his house and wept.  
  
Sephy and Jehova quickly reached the military fort run by the Hair Club for Men. A RAZOR guard stood barring the path. "No entrance," he said.  
  
"Please?" asked Sephy.  
  
"No."  
  
"Awwwww, come on!"  
  
"No."  
  
"I'll be your friend!"  
  
"Nope!"  
  
"You're a meanie."  
  
"Sorry."  
  
"Does that mean you'll let me in?"  
  
"No."  
  
"I'll give you a lollipop!"  
  
"No."  
  
"I have a note from my mother!"  
  
"No."  
  
"Say, is that snot on your shoe?"  
  
The guard's eyes widened. "SNOT?" he said, looking down. Sephy quickly motioned Jehova to slip past the guard, and followed her. The tip of Sephy's enormous sword briefly snagged on the RAZOR guard's belt, causing his pants to fall down. The guard looked up.  
  
"There's no snot there! I thought you said--"  
  
He looked around. The area was deserted except for a tumbleweed blowing across the square.  
  
"He's buggered off!" The guard turned sharply, tripped on his own trousers, and fell flat on his face.  
  
A black-cloaked figure impassively watched Sephy and Jehova's progress through the city, singing show tunes under his breath.  
  
{Trent stepped into the tavern. He needed a drink, badly. He scanned the room, and brightened when he saw Tifa gesturing to him.  
  
"Come on, Trent! It's good to see you again."  
  
Then, a voice from the other side of the room called out, "Hey Trent! Come sit over here!" It was Aeris.  
  
Torn, Trent looked from side to side. A few steps would take him to either one of them...and away from the other. Tifa's familiar face welcomed him, and Aeris's heartmeltingly green eyes beckoned. Who could he choose...?}  
  
"Hey, numbnuts! Get up! It's your turn to cook breakfast!"  
  
"Wha-?" Trent said blearily, blinking sleep out of his eyes.  
  
"I said it's your turn to get the friggin' grub! Hurry up! I'm starving!."  
  
Trent glanced at the source of the voice. It was Arsechimp, practically sitting on top of him.  
  
"Hey, Trent," said Arsechimp solicitously, "Do you have to urinate? I noticed that your member is swollen."  
  
Trent flushed bright red. Bare-It barked a laugh, "Got a little mornin' wood, eh, boy? Finally growin' up, I see."  
  
Trent wished that he would die, then and there. Tifa and Aeris were studiously ignoring him.  
  
Trent sighed, "Mama said there'd be days like this."  
  
That afternoon, the party reached Fort Condor. A man met them outside and said, "Please, sirs, we need help to protect our Condor from the Hair Club for Men!" He ushered them into the building, where they met the Elder of Fort Condor.  
  
"Ladies and Gentlemen," briefed the Elder, "As you are aware, this settlement was built to protect the endangered Condor which has laid an egg in the warmth of the abandoned Mako reactor here. Unfortunately, the Hair Club for Men wishes to pluck the feathers from the Condor to make artificial hair in seven exciting new colors. We have little money, and are expecting an attack any day. Please, is there any way you can help us?"  
  
The party gathered to confer.  
  
"I say do it," said Bare-It, "It's for the good of the planet, and anything that is bad for the Hair Club is good for us."  
  
"I concur," added Arsechimp, "I am sickened by the lengths the Hair Club for Men will do to secure a new product line."  
  
"I like the pretty birdie," added Yuppie, "Let's kick some ass!"  
  
"I have PMS and want to kill something," added Aeris, "It might as well be someone from the Hair Club."  
  
"I also agree," said Tifa, "Well, Trent, that's five out of six votes to protect the bird. What do you say?"  
  
Trent shrugged.  
  
After yet another nervous breakdown, Greg the Guard transferred out of Midgar entirely. His confidence was restored, and he was proud of his new Hair Club for Men uniform. His current assignment was as a camp follower in the strike force that was to secure some enormous bird. The feeble defenses of Fort Condor were arrayed before the strike force. Several of them grinned in anticipation. It would be an easy fight.  
  
A dark, unclad form stepped out from behind a boulder. The grin faded from Greg's face.  
  
After the battle, the party departed from Fort Condor with the thanks of the elder and a map showing where Junon Town was hidden in the shadow of a cliff. Trent, Tifa, and Arsechimp strode into the town, making straight for the Hair Club's military fortress. Trent addressed the guard.  
  
"Hey, is that snot on your shoe?"  
  
"Oh, no, I'm not falling for that one again. No admittance!"  
  
"Damn," swore Trent, "Well, I'm out of ideas. Let's go."  
  
The three of them walked away.  
  
Near the middle of the town, they heard a clamor, and rushed over to the beach. An old man was crouched over a young girl.  
  
"Help," called the man, "She's drowning!"  
  
"Don't look at me," said Tifa, "I don't know any CPR!"  
  
Arsechimp just glared back. Trent shrugged, and said, "Well, I guess that leaves me." He bent over the recumbent figure and filled her lungs several times. Just when he was beginning to despair, a cough rose in the young figure, and her eyes fluttered open. Trent was the first thing she saw.  
  
"Mommy?" she said.  
  
"Um, no, I'm not your mother," replied Trent.  
  
"Oh," said the girl, "Well, your hair's the same, anyway."  
  
"Somebody else has hair like this?" exclaimed Trent in disbelief.  
  
"Well, no, I just thought I'd try and get your goat." She laughed, and added, "I'm Priscilla. Since you saved my life and all, is there anything I can do for you?"  
  
Arsechimp broke in, "Do you know of a way to get into the Hair Club fortress?"  
  
Trent rolled his eyes, but the girl said, "Oh, yeah, sure. See that bar up there? My friend Flipper can jump pretty high. I bet you could reach that bar by jumping off of Flipper."  
  
What?  
  
"You first, Trent," said Tifa.  
  
Oh, hell.  
  
Trent swam into the water and called the dolphin. It leaped up, and Trent leaped off its back...and missed the bar entirely. He landed on top of a live electrical wire and passed out.  
  
When he came to, he was surrounded by concerned faces.  
  
"Are you OK?" asked Tifa.  
  
"Noooo,"  
  
"Well, you can talk," she said, "Back at it."  
  
So once again, Trent found himself in the water. The dolphin leaped, then Trent leaped...and then he landed on the live electrical wire again.  
  
Several minutes later:  
  
"Are you OK?"  
  
"Noooo,"  
  
"Well, you can talk. Back at it."  
  
Once more into the water. The dolphin leaped. Trent leaped. Trent fell. And landed on the live wire. Several minutes later:  
  
"Are you OK?"  
  
"Noooo,"  
  
"Well, you can talk. Back at it."  
  
Trent swam into the water. He was tempted to swim directly to the wire, but he dutifully climbed onto the dolphin, and dutifully fell onto the wire again.  
  
Several minutes later:  
  
"Are you OK?"  
  
"I'm starting to like this electricity. It makes my nipples tingle."  
  
Back into the water. The dolphin leaped, Trent leaped...and MADE IT!  
  
Trent snuck into a locker room in the fortress and dressed himself in a RAZOR uniform. Abruptly, an officer's head popped into the room and said, "Kruger! There you are! C'mon, we're late!" Trent was hustled out to the street.  
  
"What's going on?" he asked.  
  
"Dammit, Kruger, I thought I told you to quit drinking so much," said the officer, "The President of the Hair Club for Men is visiting Junon, and will be leaving for Costa Del Sol in his private ship. We're putting on a parade for him, and...here comes our unit. Just try to slip in and look natural!"  
  
Thus it was that Trent found himself in the middle of a parade march. Near the docks, his group found themselves formed up in front of President Rufus and Heidegger. Trent executed the drill that Heidegger called out flawlessly, but was unable to keep a smirk off of his face.  
  
"You there!" called Heidegger, pushing his face right into Trent's, "What's so funny?"  
  
Trent whispered a few words into Heidegger's ear.  
  
"Gya-ha-ha!" whooped Heidegger. He then turned to Rufus and said, "Your fly's open, sir!"  
  
Rufus turned bright red and zipped himself up. Then he started randomly kicking soldiers in the nuts. In the confusion, Trent managed to sneak onto the waiting ship. He found Arsechimp already aboard.  
  
"What took you so long," asked the canine, "We've been waiting."  
  
"I was washing my hair," replied Trent.  
  
Arsechimp bounded away and Trent found himself alone on the enemy ship. He quietly moved from bulkhead to bulkhead, sliding silently like the shadow of death.  
  
"Hey Trent"  
  
Trent nearly jumped out of his skin. He whirled, sword drawn, to meet--  
  
--Yuppie, dressed in the uniform of a sailor in the Hair Club Navy.  
  
"Ahr," she said, "Put that pigsticker away, matey, I'm one of yer mateys!"  
  
Trent sheathed his sword, and Yuppie continued, "Ahr, matey, did ye ever dream of becoming a sailor an' spreadin' terror across the seven seas? Well, did ye, matey?"  
  
"Yuppie," Trent said, quietly.  
  
"Ahr, matey?"  
  
"If you call me 'matey' one more time, I'm going to pull your codeptelpoids out through your mouth, understood?"  
  
"Ahr," protested Yuppie, "What be codeptelpoids?"  
  
"How bad do you want to find out?"  
  
"Ahr," concluded Yuppie mournfully.  
  
Trent found Aeris in an abandoned dining room. He sat down to join her. She smiled in recognition. {I could get lost in those eyes,} thought Trent, and decided that he was going to try.  
  
Aeris interrupted his reverie with, "Jesus Christ, these grapes sure do taste funny!"  
  
Trent glanced at the fruit basket that Aeris was eating out of, and said, "That's probably because they're made out of wax."  
  
"Wax?"  
  
"Yes. That is a wax fruit basket."  
  
"It's pretty yummy for wax."  
  
"Nevertheless."  
  
"You're sure?"  
  
"Absolutely."  
  
"Do you want to try one?"  
  
"No, thank-you, I'm on a strict non-wax diet. I also try to avoid eating slime."  
  
"Just one. I'm sure you'll like it."  
  
"You know, as much as I'd like to try just a little wax, I probably shouldn't ignore doctor's orders."  
  
"Live a little, Trent! What harm could one grape do?"  
  
Trent gave up, and accepted a grape from Aeris. He popped it into his mouth, chewed, and swallowed. It tasted remarkably like wax.  
  
"Well," inquired Aeris, "What do you think?"  
  
"Absolutely delicious," said Trent, reaching for another.  
  
Trent climbed a ladder and found himself abovedecks. He saw Tifa staring into the ocean. He decided to impress her with his "soft, poetic" side.  
  
"It's beautiful, isn't it," he said, "The way the waves lap up against the hull, the salt tang of the air, and the heaving, rolling gait of the sea!"  
  
Tifa leaned over the railing and vomited noisily. "Trent Strife," began Tifa, "You are a rat bastard."  
  
Trent shrugged. His gambit to win the affections of Tifa failed, he scanned the deck for signs of other companionship. There was a sailor working on the rigging, an adjutant standing there with his thumb up his ass, a guy with a tail--  
  
Tail?  
  
Sure enough, Arsechimp was strolling across the deck on his hind legs..  
  
Trent asked him, "Are you sure pretending to be a human is such a good idea?"  
  
In a thick, fake British accent, Arsechimp replied, "Why, of course, it's jolly good! I haven't had so much fun since the time I burned down that garage! What could possibly give me away?"  
  
"Well, for starters, the fact that you are a dog."  
  
"How are the Hair Clubbers to know that?"  
  
"You are covered from head to toe in thick, dull red fur."  
  
"These are sailors. They're all shaggy."  
  
"You have an elongated snout."  
  
"They'll just think I'm a normal lying bastard like the rest of them. Ever heard of Pinocchio?"  
  
"You've got a wet snout."  
  
"Ah, the salt sea air!"  
  
"You've got a tail."  
  
"Well, you've got me there. But aside from the tail, I make a perfect sailor."  
  
"Don't people take it kind of amiss that you are able to lick your own genitals?"  
  
"Let me tell you a secret, Trent--I'm charging them admission to see me lick my own genitals."  
  
Elsewhere in the ship, two shadowy figures strode through the engine room. The corpses of two Hair Club guards lay motionless on the floor, and Sephy Lee Roth cleaned the blood off of his sword. He spun about, knocking a trolley over, and spilling wrenches, screwdrivers, and cans of engine oil all over the floor.  
  
"Bloody hell," he muttered.  
  
"Sephy, my son, you are just too clumsy!" exclaimed Jehova.  
  
"Enough. Help me wire this baby up to go supersonic. I can't wait to get to Costa del Sol and meet some beach who--I mean, er..."  
  
"Yes?"  
  
"Nothing, mother."  
  
"Aw, come on. You can tell me!"  
  
"I, er meant, make some beach holes. Yeah, that's the ticket! Holes!"  
  
"Why would you want to dig holes in the sand."  
  
"There's, er, treasure down there or something."  
  
"Do you think that the Trousers are in a beach hole?"  
  
"No, mother."  
  
"Then let us focus on the task at ha--what are you laughing at?"  
  
Sephy pointed to several pipes criscrossing the roof and said, "Pipe."  
  
Jehova burst out laughing. Have you ever seen a headless naked chick laugh? It's really quite interesting. And funny. Even the corpses were laughing. Jehova flailed about the room, helpless with laughter, and accidentally hit the "General Quarters" alert button.  
  
"Damn!" she swore.  
  
"And you were calling me clumsy," taunted Sephy, "Now look, you've brought the Hair Club for Men down on us!"  
  
"It never would have happened when I still had eyes, and a head to put them in.."  
  
The doors to the engine room burst open, and in came...not Hair Club guards, as Sephy expected, but Trent Strife, Arsechimp, and Aeris Gainsborough. Sephy quickly sliced off one of Jehova's fingers and threw it at the enemy, then leaped through the ceiling.  
  
"Now that was mean!" exclaimed Jehova, "First you cut off my head, and now a finger. Mean, mean, MEAN! Bad Sephy."  
  
"Look, mummy, that finger will grow and attack the enemy, keeping them busy while we escape."  
  
"Oh."  
  
"And it'll grow back! Just like your head will."  
  
"I really don't think any of this will grow back."  
  
"Sure it will. I read it in the Daily Star. Human cells regenerate--If a normal, run of the mill human being can grow a new head, why then, so can you!"  
  
"If you say so. I trust you, Sephy."  
  
{Heh, heh, heh,} thought Sephy.  
  
Aeris said, "What's that thing that Sephy threw at us?"  
  
Trent picked it up. "It appears to be a severed human finger."  
  
"Gross!"  
  
"You can say that again."  
  
"Gross!"  
  
Trent shook his head ruefully and fed the finger to Arsechimp  
  
Preview of Chapter 10:  
  
"You mean you betrayed your only friends, the ones who rescued you from certain death at the hands of the Hair Club for Men, in return for a fucking belly rub?"  
  
"Johnny kept saying, 'What do you mean, Barq's has bite?', so I had to kill him."  
  
"Ninjas check in...but they don't check out" 


	11. Chapter 10

Chapter 10  
  
-----  
  
The party formerly known as AVALANCHE stepped off the Hair Club ship into a scene from a vacation brochure. It was bright, on a beach, and there were mountains in the distance. A cool, relieving breeze blew off the sea, taking some of the bite out of the tropical heat. The festive beat of steel drums filled the air.  
  
"Hey, mishta, cuja schpare some change f'r an ol' vet?"  
  
That just spoiled the whole mood. Trent scowled at the wino.  
  
Arsechimp panicked. "Vet? Get away from me! Nobody's 'fixing' the Arsechimp, you get me? My teeth are at your groin level, and if anybody's gonna get 'fixed', it' ain't gonna be me!!!"  
  
"Um, Arsechimp?" said Trent.  
  
"What is it?" snarled Arsechimp.  
  
"He means 'veteran', not 'veterinarian'. You're safe." (Author's Note: 'Veterinarian' was the first word I've had to look up in a dictionary for the spelling in over ten years. Ph33r me)  
  
The party left the dock area and split up. At this point, Rufus and Heidegger disembarked from the ship. As he stepped off of the ship, Heidegger spun about and snapped a smart salute to a scarecrow that stood on the deck. The scarecrow didn't respond.  
  
Rufus tested the sharpness of his horns on his finger, and then licked the spot of blood. His eyes glowed red. "Heidegger!"  
  
"Yes, sir?" inquired the general.  
  
"I understand that Sephy Lee Roth was aboard the vessel, and your security people let him go."  
  
"Sorry, sir"  
  
"Trent and his group was also there"  
  
"Sorry, sir"  
  
"A search of the crew's lockers revealed over twelve million gil worth of drugs"  
  
"Sorry, sir"  
  
"The cargo hold was filled with Chinese refugees"  
  
"Sorry, sir"  
  
"I want you to fire your chief of security--And you're on probation, Heidegger--don't fuck up."  
  
"Sorry, sir." Heidegger saluted to Rufus, and then addressed the scarecrow. "You're fired," he said.  
  
The scarecrow sagged.  
  
Aeris stepped out of a cabana wearing a skimpy bikini that she'd purchased with money stolen from Trent's pouch, and headed directly for the beach. Seven young men approached her. One placed a cigarette in between her first two fingers. She stuck it in her mouth, and a second lit it.  
  
"Mahvelous, gentlemen," she said, "dismissed."  
  
Aeris slunk forward, while the seven gentlemen stared at her as--I mean, back.  
  
Presently, she spotted Howard Johnson relaxing on the beach with a bottle of rum, reading a book entitled "All Male Group Hugs and Other Things Which I Consider to be my Bag", by IGN64Skanker. She accepted a snifter of Grand Marnier from another dumbstruck young man and joined Johnson.  
  
"Howie, dahling," she said, "It's been such a long tahm."  
  
HoJo looked up, and said, "Ah, yes, you're that Cetra that couldn't fly. Have a seat, young lady. A toast! I propose a toast to the future!"  
  
"Howie, dahling," said Aeris, "I must confess I'm somewhat suhprized to fihnd yah heah. I thought yah wuhked fuh the Haih Club fah Mehn."  
  
"Lose the fake accent."  
  
"Damn!" said Aeris.  
  
"Better. I quit the Hair Club, because Rufus is a poop head. Did you know that not only is he the President of the Hair Club for Men, he's also a client?"  
  
"Hmm," said Aeris. She finished her Grand Marnier in one gulp. A gentleman came along and asked if they would like some more drinks."  
  
"I'll have a White Russian," said HoJo, "And I'll pay for whatever the lady has."  
  
"I'll have a Rum and Coke, please," said Aeris.  
  
HoJo glared.  
  
Trent shook his head. What a crappy day it had been since he'd arrived at Costa Del Sol. Somebody had stolen a large amount of money from his pouch, he'd walked in on Tifa practically humping some perfect stranger named Johnny, and Bare-It was getting more attention from the girls. Aeris was snuggled up so close to HoJo he thought she was attempting to become a siamese twin. Trent left the beach and entered the city square. One residence had a "for sale" sign in the window. Trent walked in and inquired about the price.  
  
"300,000 Gil" stated the real estate agent firmly.  
  
"I'll give you 50,000," countered Trent  
  
"Are you trying to put me out of business?" spluttered the agent, "200,000"  
  
"50,000"  
  
"100,000"  
  
"40,000"  
  
"OK, I'll give it to you for 50,000"  
  
"60, 000"  
  
"You bastard! 25,000 and not one gil more!"  
  
"Sold!" exclaimed Trent, and snapped a polaroid of the agent's face when he realized what he'd just done.  
  
Trent found Arsechimp in the city square.  
  
"Hey, Trent," called the canine, "It's time for us to go!"  
  
"What for?"  
  
"You know that Turk, Elena?"  
  
"Yeah, what about her?"  
  
"I, well, kinda told her where we were."  
  
"WHAT?"  
  
"Well, she scratched my belly."  
  
"You mean you betrayed your only friends, the ones who rescued you from certain death at the hands of the Hair Club for Men, in return for a fucking belly rub?"  
  
"Elena has magic fingers."  
  
"The Turks want us all, including you, dead!"  
  
"Well, she gave me a milk bone, too," added Arsechimp defensively.  
  
Trent rolled his eyes.  
  
The group gathered outside of Costa Del Sol to decide what to do next.  
  
Tifa arrived, scowling, with blood on her hands. She calmly rinsed her hands in a nearby stream.  
  
"What happened," asked Trent, aghast.  
  
"Johnny kept saying, 'What do you mean, Barq's has bite?', so I had to kill him."  
  
"Oh."  
  
"Yeah."  
  
"That's a shame."  
  
"I never liked midgets anyway."  
  
"Bare-It," called Trent, "Did you find anything out?"  
  
"I can give you a detailed rundown on prices for large condoms."  
  
"I don't see how that would be useful."  
  
Bare-It grinned, "It's useful to me"  
  
"Kuso!"  
  
"Who said that?"  
  
"Not me," said Arsechimp  
  
"Nor me," added Bare-It  
  
"It wasn't me," chimed Yuppie, Tifa and Aeris at the same time.  
  
Trent looked around. Nothing seemed out of the ordinary, except that Aeris seemed to have grown another pair of legs, and these ones were white and furry. Trent shrugged.  
  
Aeris said, "I know where Sephy's going"  
  
"WHAT?" shouted everybody else.  
  
"Come on," she grinned, "You don't think I was actually attracted to that wrinkly old fart Hojo, did you? He was singing like a canary after a few drinks--He said that Sephy's looking for the Bastardly Productions Trousers on the Gold Saucer, which we can reach through Corel Village."  
  
Bare-It looked depressed.  
  
Trent, Bare-It, and Tifa crossed a rope bridge leading into Corel Village. Immediately several villagers shouted, "Aw, fuck, Bare-It's back!" Bare-It turned away.  
  
"What's the matter," asked Tifa.  
  
"It's nothing," said Bare-It gruffly, "So let's just go, OK?"   
  
They proceded to Ropeway Station. The tickets were free, so they rode up to the Gold Saucer. They were met by a woman at the door to the Gold Saucer's "Station".  
  
"One-time tickets are 3,000 Gil, or you can buy a lifetime pass for 30,000," she said, "But if you try to slip by me without paying, I send Lorena Bobitt after your asses, capice?"  
  
Trent doled out 30,000 gil, an easy purchase after the cash he'd saved on the villa in Costa Del Sol.  
  
"We should split up to search the area more effectively," suggested Bare-It.  
  
"Who do you want to go with, Trent?" asked Aeris.  
  
Trent looked from Tifa to Aeris and back, struck with indecision. Aeris's green eyes sparkled, and Tifa's breasts...well, um...If I have to say more than that to get the idea across, you're too young to be reading this fic, what with all those bad words and whatnot.  
  
Trent took a long look at Tifa, then Aeris. Yuppie was jumping up and down, and Bare-It batted his eyelashes at Trent coyly.  
  
{Oh, Jesus.}  
  
Trent was saved from his decision by the timely intercession of Arsechimp. He sniffed at Tifa's pocket and began jumping up and down.  
  
"Ooops," said Tifa, "I forgot I had all those Milk Bones in there...and the slab of pork. It looks like I go with Arsechimp.  
  
Trent glanced at Bare-It, frightened, but Yuppie was already sitting on his shoulders. That's right, sitting on his shoulders.  
  
Trent offered his arm to Aeris.  
  
ten minutes later...  
  
  
  
{How did I get sucked into this?} thought Trent as he boarded the trolley with Aeris, {this is a kid's ride.}  
  
The trolley rolled into the darkness, and Trent realized that he was alone with Aeris in the dark.  
  
{Things are looking up,} he decided.  
  
"Hey, Trent," said Aeris.  
  
"Yes?"  
  
"You know a lot about Materia, don't you?"  
  
"I guess."  
  
"I've got this materia," Aeris said, producing a white globe, "that doesn't do anything."  
  
Trent examined the globe, and said, "All materia does something. If this doesn't, it's not materia. It's a piece of crap." He tossed it out the window.  
  
Far below Trent and Aeris, Reginald the Rat poked at a dead cat. {Yes,} he thought, {it's definitely dead. It looks like I eat well tonight.}  
  
A circular shadow began to form on Reginald's white, furry back. {What the he--}  
  
SPLAT!  
  
Reginald instinctively leaped forward and looked behind him to see what had happened. Behind him was a white globe, beneath which was a squished rat. {That was close,} thought Reginald, {that could have been me.} He took an experimental poke at the other rat to see if it was really dead.  
  
His paw passed through white globe and rat alike, insubstantial.  
  
"Squeak?" he inquired.  
  
SQUEAK, came the explanation from behind him.  
  
Trent and Aeris emerged from the chute leading towards Battle Square, and were met by what appeared to be a cat riding a giant stuffed... thing. Trent had no idea what the hell the stuffed thing was.  
  
"I am Cait Sith, Fortune Teller extrordinaire!" exclaimed the cat, "May I tell your fortune?"  
  
Aeris clapped her hands and said, "Yes, do!"  
  
The stuffed thingy waved its arms back and forth a few times, and the cat produced a paper. He read it and proudly said, "Your dry cleaning is ready!...Wait, that can't be right...let me try again...Chance of scattered showers and a low near 30 degrees...That's not it, either...Ah, here we go! Your fortune is: Today will really, really suck."  
  
"Today will really, really suck?" asked Aeris, dismayed.  
  
"Er," said Cait Sith, "It's usually not that vague. Tell you what. I won't be able to rest until I know what happens, so I'm gonna come along with you, OK?"  
  
{Nooooo!} thought Trent, but Aeris said, "Yes, do! That would be super!"  
  
The three of them entered the Battle Square, to find blood all over the place and corpses scattered.  
  
"Did Sephy do this?" asked Aeris.  
  
Trent examined the bodies, and said, "No, they've been shot. No way Sephy Lee Roth would use a gun."  
  
One of the "corpses" stirred. Trent knelt over her and asked what had happened.  
  
"A man...with a gun on his arm..." she gasped.  
  
"Did he look like Mr. T?" asked Trent, "Was he naked?"  
  
"Are you on drugs?" asked the dying woman, "It was a skinny white guy with clothes." With that, she gasped her dying breath. And Trent ate her guts.  
  
"Today really, really sucks," said Aeris, and the three of them proceded into the next room, where the trail of blood showed that the killer had gone. When they reached the middle of the battle arena, guards closed in from both sides. A big guy in a loincloth entered and said, "Halt, intruders! I am Dios, owner of the Gold Saucer. Did you kill all those people outside."  
  
"No." replied Trent.  
  
"OK," replied Dios, "I guess you're free to go."  
  
A guard whispered in Dios's ear.  
  
"Hey, wait a minute! Are you sure you didn't kill them?"  
  
"Nope."  
  
"Are you lying?"  
  
"No."  
  
"Are you sure you're not lying?"  
  
"We didn't kill them."  
  
"Come on, fess up! I know you killed 'em."  
  
Trent rolled his eyes, and said, "OK, you got me. I killed them."  
  
Triumphantly, Dios shouted, "You have fallen...into the clapper trap!"  
  
"You swine!" shouted Trent as the ground fell out from underneath him.  
  
After the party regained consciousness, they were met with the rest of the party, except Bare-It, who had also been accused of the murders and thrown down the chute into Corel Prison. It was the work of less than an hour to track Bare-It down. He was in a ramshackle shack. A poster on the wall proclaimed, "Robinett's: The Underwear Rental Specialists." There was a half-eaten bowl of Radium Crisp on the table.  
  
"Radium Crisp," said Yuppie, "Yuck. I prefer Plague Flakes, myself."  
  
Bare-It burst into the room and fired several rounds of ammunition into the closet. A dead ninja fell out.  
  
"Hey, Bare-It," asked Trent, "How did you know that there was a ninja in the closet?"  
  
"I have a severe ninja problem in this shack," answered Bare-It, "I should probably call an exterminator or something. I think they come in for the sugar."  
  
"You know, I think I have a can of 'Raid(r) for Ninjas' here," said Trent, producing a can which proclaimed, "Ninjas check in...but they don't check out"  
  
Yuppie looked distinctly uncomfortable.  
  
Arsechimp added, "You know, the best way to deal with ninjas is to get a gecko. My uncle Boogerhagen had some ninjas in his basement. He bought a gecko and set it loose in the basement. Never saw a ninja--or the gecko--ever again."  
  
"Thanks, guys," said Bare-It, "But it's a real bad ninja infestation--I think I have to call the Orkin Man."  
  
"Today really, really sucks," said Aeris.  
  
"I think it's time you told us what's going on," said Trent, addressing Bare-It.  
  
"It was five years ago. The Shinra came to Corel Village, wanting to build a Mako Reactor. Corel had always been a coal town, but me and Dyne were the only ones against the reactor.  
  
"The village council met, and overruled us. The Shinra were invited in. Several people assisted in the construction of the reactor, and the village inn was filled with Shinra troops.  
  
"Soon, talk started circulating--the village people who assisted in the construction spoke of people being sealed up inside the reaction tanks.  
  
"Me and Dyne were in the mountains digging for coal when the Shinra burned the village to keep the talk from spreading. We rushed towards the flames--Dyne wanted to save his daughter, Marlene, and I wanted to save my wife, whose name escapes me at the moment. However, we were stopped. Several soldiers, led by Scarlett, fired on us. Dyne slipped over a cliff edge. I caught his left arm with my right and attempted to pull him up.  
  
"Scarlett shot at us, severing my right arm and his left. Dyne fell, and I ran to the village. My wife was dead, but I was able to save Marlene. The villagers blamed me and Dyne for not being there to defend the village."  
  
Abruptly, Bare-It slammed his arm down on the table, and shouted, "DAMN! The whole goddamn village was burned to ashes in one night. I told them! I TOLD them not to make the entire village out of straw! Why didn't they listen to me? If the Shinra hadn't burned the village down, you know the Big Bad Wolf would have showed up, and you know what would have happened then? He'd have huffed, and puffed, and he'd have blown the village down!"  
  
The party let Bare-It have a night to cool down, and then Trent, Bare-It, and Yuppie went looking for a way out of the Corel Prison. They learned that the only way out was to become a Chocobo jockey, and only the Prison Leader could clear them for that. So the three of them went to the Prison Leader's house...and the Prison Leader was Dyne.  
  
"Hey, Dyne," said Bare-It, "Long time, no see!"  
  
"Hey, Bare-It! What's up?"  
  
"Did you kill all those people up at the Gold Saucer?"  
  
"Yeah. It was lots of fun. I like killing people now, Bare-It. Know what? I'm gonna kill you!"  
  
Trent noticed that Dyne's left arm, like Bare-It's right, had a gun grafted to it. Dyne shot at Bare-It, and missed.  
  
Bare-It taunted, "Missed me, missed me, now you gotta--"  
  
Dyne turned his arm onto "automatic" and sprayed the whole area with bullets. Bare-It jumped behind a couch, and pulled out a grenade (Remember the Sector 1 Reactor in Midgar? How many grenades do you think he can fit in there?). He tossed the grenade overhand at Dyne.  
  
Dyne ate it. "Oops," he said, and exploded in classic Road-Runner style comic fashion.  
  
With a ring removed from the remains of Dyne, the party was able to get a pass back up to the Gold Saucer, and even a manager, Esther. Bare-It traded the ring to the Orkin Man, who wanted to be the next Prison Leader, in exchange for ninja removal services.  
  
The lift carried Trent upwards...to destiny!  
  
Well, actually, it just carried him to a chocobo stable, but it was still a pretty nifty lift.  
  
Preview of Chapter 11:  
  
"If I hear 'are we there yet' one more time, one of those two is going to die."  
  
"Hey! An all-male group hug! All-male group hugs are my 'bag'!"   
  
"No, I'm afraid this is as percussive as it gets. When they play this one live, the audience often thinks that they're under attack." 


	12. Chapter 11

Chapter 11  
  
-----  
  
Esther led Trent to the racetrack, and halted in front of a yellow chocobo.  
  
"This is Artagel," she said, "He's the fastest chocobo we've got."  
  
Trent reached out a hand to pet the chocobo. Artagel bit it.  
  
"He's also very, very hungry," added Esther, offering some greens to the chocobo--with a pole. Trent vaulted onto the chocobo's back. Artagel's ears went flat against his head.  
  
"Wark!" he said, and started running around. Trent held on for dear life. His sword fell to the ground, and Artagel pissed on it.  
  
"It's less weight for the race anyway," called Esther, "I'll look after your sword for you until after you win."  
  
The gun went off to start the race. The other chocobos tore down the track like the hounds of hell were at their heels, but Artagel puttered around, examining bushes, and attempting to mate with the fence.  
  
"Look, little buddy," whispered Trent in the animal's ear, "The sooner you cross that finish line, the sooner I get off your back."  
  
Artagel took off like a bat out of hell. They passed the other chocobos so fast that Trent thought he was in a time warp. Trent and Artagel crossed the finish line in record time, leaving Trent with enough time for a cup of coffee before the other beasts came into sight. When the last chocobo crossed the line, Dios approached Trent.  
  
"That was some pretty slick racing," he said, "And any convict-jockey who wins a chocobo race goes free--that's custom. But I discovered from a witness, one Sephy Lee Roth, that it was a skinny white guy with a gun arm that did the killin's, so it looks like I had to come up with another prize...so I present you with this BRAND NEW CAR!"  
  
Dios gestured towards a parking lot filled with junky old vehicles.  
  
"Um, which one?" asked Trent  
  
Dios indicated the rustiest, most worn down old Buick in the lot.  
  
Trent shrugged. "Say," he said, "Did this Sephy guy say where he was going?"  
  
"Naw, but I saw him heading east--You might want to try asking at Cosmo Canyon across the river."  
  
Trent and his friends piled into the hastily-dubbed "shitmobile" and drove east, towards Gongaga. A black-cloaked figure watched them drive away and laughed.  
  
After Aeris and Trent shot out of the back of the car and ran towards the forest, Tifa remarked to Bare-It, "If I hear 'are we there yet' one more time, one of those two is going to die."  
  
Bare-It shrugged. Hours passed, with no sign of Trent or Aeris.  
  
"What's taking them so long?" inquired Tifa.  
  
"I guess they REALLY had to go."  
  
"I think you should go look for them."  
  
"Hey, I went before we left, OK?"  
  
"Bare-It!"  
  
Bare-It entered the forest in search of Trent and Aeris.  
  
The first life Bare-It encountered in the forest was Reno and Rude. They were arguing about who was the most attractive woman they'd ever met. Rude remarked that he wanted Elena, but she had eyes only for Tseng. Bare-It commiserated. Abruptly, Reno stood up and said, "You know what? This calls for an all-male group hug!"  
  
"Yes, indeed," exclaimed Bare-It, "I could really go for an all-male group hug!"  
  
The three men embraced. Another figure came out of the forest, and exclaimed, "Hey! An all-male group hug! All-male group hugs are my 'bag'!" He joined the three.  
  
When the group hug broke up, the mysterious figure faded into the forest, muttering about his "bag."  
  
After another hour, Tifa, Yuppie and Arsechimp finally pursued the rest of the party into Gongaga Forest. First, they found Trent and Aeris, who informed them that they'd overheard Scarlett and Tseng of the Hair Club for Men discussing "really, really big materia," and they'd found a Summon Materia.  
  
The five of them, after several minutes of searching, encountered Bare-It, Reno, and Rude sitting around a campfire, passing a bottle of whiskey around.  
  
"Well, it looks like Bare-It's not going to be much good to us for a while," said Trent, "Let's rest in the village until he sobers up."  
  
"Hey, it's Trent!" hicc'd Bare-It, "You know man, I just want to take this chance to tell you how much I really love you."  
  
"On the other hand," finished Trent, "We really don't have seven years to wait around for Bare-It to sober up, so we'll leave tomorrow morning regardless of shit-face's condition."  
  
"Shit face? Aw man, and after I said I love you." Bursting into tears, Bare-It continued, "Do you know how much it hurts to say that, and not hear it back?"  
  
Trent started to walk away, but was met with twin glares from Tifa and Aeris.  
  
{Dammit.}  
  
"I love you too, Bare-It."  
  
Aeris and Yuppie went to bed immediately, but Trent and Tifa couldn't sleep, so they decided to walk Arsechimp through Gongaga until night fell. Following the usual Squaresoft RPG convention of walking unannounced into the homes of strangers, they encountered an old married couple who recognized the way Trent was dressed.  
  
"W3r3 j00 in SOLDIER?" asked the old man.  
  
"j4, 0wr 50n w3n7 1n70 SOLDIER," said the old woman, "H1z n4m3 1zz Zack. Zack Lopez. p33pl c477 h1m zdawg or z4x0r."  
  
"What?" asked Trent and Tifa in unison.  
  
"Sorry," said the old woman, "I guess we just got used to talking to z4x0r and it caught on. We wanted to know if you knew what happened to our son Zack, who was in SOLDIER."  
  
Tifa got a funny look on her face, and Trent said, "Nope. Never heard of 'im. But there's something strangely familiar about the way j00 w3r3 sp33king..."  
  
Morning came, and Trent rolled onto his back and opened his eyes. On the opposite wall, he saw a poster which read, "Robinetts: The Underwear Rental Specialists." The poster showed a young man laying on a bed which looked to be of the same style popular in Midgar, wearing women's underclothing. On second glance, Trent thought he recognized the room--It was the inn in Wall Market. And that young man...  
  
"Aeris!" he shouted.  
  
Aeris awoke with a start, saying, "Huh? What?"  
  
Trent pointed at the poster accusingly.  
  
"Oh." Aeris giggled. "OK, so I might have taken advantage of you when you were passed out after the incident at the cathouse in Wall Market. But you do look so cute in my underwear. And hey, it was only a few pictures!"  
  
"How'd it get on a poster half a world away from Midgar?"  
  
"Well...I might have sold a few."  
  
"How many is a few?"  
  
"Only about six...gross."  
  
"GROSS? You mean to tell me that you sold eight hundred and sixty four pictures of me wearing women's underclothing to any old joe?"  
  
"Well, no, the first five hundred went to Mr. Robinett. I had no idea he was going to start an underwear rental business."  
  
"Aeris, look at that poster. What does it say at the bottom?"  
  
"Robinett's: est. 2239."  
  
"What year is it?"  
  
"Um, 2277."  
  
"Is it not true that Robinett's has been the most widely known underwear rental establishment for over thirty-five years?"  
  
"Maybe."  
  
Trent rolled his eyes. "The prosecution rests"  
  
The next day, everybody piled into the shitmobile to resume their journey.  
  
"Hey Tifa," called Trent.  
  
"Yes?"  
  
"Can you turn the music on?"  
  
"What did you want to listen to?"  
  
"Something percussive."  
  
"Like the 1812 Overture?"  
  
"No, I mean something REALLY percussive."  
  
Tifa slid a CD into the CD-player on the dash. Something REALLY percussive began to play. Bare-It winced, nursing his hangover.  
  
"How about that?" inquired Tifa, looking back at Trent.  
  
"Do you have anything more percussive?"  
  
Tifa switched CD's. Bare-It began to weep openly.  
  
"Is that OK?"  
  
"Don't you have anything more percussive than that?"  
  
"No, I'm afraid this is as percussive as it gets. When they play this one live, the audience often thinks that they're under attack."  
  
"Well, OK, if this is as percussive as it gets...Can you turn it up?"  
  
Tifa grinned and turned the music up. Bare-It began to make the kind of noises ordinarily associated with a drowning kitten. Nobody could hear it over the music.  
  
"Let's sing along!" exclaimed Aeris.  
  
Some time later, the shitmobile broke down. Engine and music halted simultaneously. Everybody came out of the vehicle, dejected, except for Bare-It, who burst out the passenger door screaming, "Thank-you God!", and began kissing the dirt.  
  
Preview of Chapter 12:  
  
"A svelte guy like me don't need no legs."  
  
"Sometimes, just for laughs, I like to hover over their heads and urinate."  
  
"They...eat this, where you come from?" 


	13. Chapter 12

Chapter 12  
  
-----  
  
The party looked around the broken-down shitmobile, and sighted a community within easy eyeshot of the vehicle. When they arrived at the community, they were met by a gate guard who recognized Arsechimp right off the bat.  
  
"Snotgoblin!" he exclaimed, "Welcome back!"  
  
"Is this why you don't mind being called Arsechimp?" asked Trent.  
  
Arsechimp glared and loped off into the distance.  
  
Trent, Bare-It, and Yuffie explored the town. They learned that the great big bonfire in the middle of the town, the "Cosmo Candle", was supposed to be inextinguishable, except in a time of severe peril for the entire world. They also found a mechanic who agreed to fix the shitmobile if Bare-It would stop following him around.  
  
Finally, they set out to find Arsechimp. They systematically searched Cosmo Canyon from bottom to top. Naturally, Arsechimp was found at the highest point of Cosmo Canyon, chatting with a fellow who had no legs and floated above the ground in an eldritch fashion.  
  
"What happened to your legs?" asked Trent.  
  
"Don't have any," replied the man.  
  
"You mean you were born with no legs?"  
  
"No, I just got rid of them. Cut 'em off, ya know? Legs are so overrated."  
  
"Don't you miss them?"  
  
"Nope. A svelte guy like me don't need no legs."  
  
"What's 'svelte'?"  
  
"That's when a guy don't need no legs."  
  
"Well, if it's all the same to you, I'll just keep mine."  
  
"Fine. Be that way."  
  
Arsechimp introduced his "Grandfather", Boogergoblin. Boogergoblin was clearly human, except for the lack of legs and the eldritch hovering thing, but apparently he or his son had fathered a sentient dog, possibly through the aid of mind-altering drugs, radiation, or extended exposure to Mako.  
  
"Grandfather, my friends are fighting to save the Planet," piped Arsechimp.  
  
"We are?" asked Bare-It, "Oh, yeah. The Hair Club, and keepin' them pants from Sephy. Yeah, I guess you could say we're savin' the Planet."  
  
"So," continued Arsechimp, "Why don't you show them your apparatus?"  
  
"No way!" protested Boogergoblin, "I don't swing that wa--Oh, you mean the machine. Yeah, I guess you could look at the machine." Boogergoblin motioned for Trent to follow.  
  
Boogergoblin flicked a switch, and the floor started to rise. Once a section of the floor was enclosed in a dome, Boogergoblin gestured, and a holographic image of the solar system flickered to life.  
  
"Cool!" exclaimed Trent, "What do you have this here for?"  
  
"The spiffy light show," answered Boogergoblin, "Plus, I like to show it to visitors, 'cause it lets me show off my ability to hover over their heads in an eldritch manner. Sometimes, just for laughs, I like to hover over their heads and urinate.  
  
"I won't do that to you," continued Boogergoblin, "Because you're friends of Snotgoblin. Why don't you rest and enjoy the hospitality of Cosmo Canyon. We can meet up at the Cosmo Candle for a meal tonight.""  
  
Later that night, Boogergoblin, as good as his word, met with the party for a meal. Bare-It offered to cook. Missing the winces and throat-slashing gestures of Tifa, Boogergoblin agreed.  
  
Trent approached the bonfire, and noticed how everyone was arrayed. Closest to him was Bare-It, which was disturbing enough by itself. Trent also noticed that Tifa and Aeris were situated on opposite sides of the fire. A few steps in either direction would bring him to the side of one of the girls...and directly away from the other. It was looking like he'd have to choose.  
  
"Come sit with me, Trent," said Aeris, beckoning.  
  
"No, here, Trent!" called Tifa.  
  
Trent made his decision. He placed himself equidistant between the girls.  
  
"Um, Trent?" called Aeris.  
  
"Yes?"  
  
"Aren't you a little uncomfortable?"  
  
"No, not at all."  
  
"I mean, sitting in the middle of that raging bonfire and everything?"  
  
"I like it here. It's spiffy."  
  
"I'm worried, Trent," said Tifa, "Are you really...you?"  
  
"Nope!" said Trent, "I'm somebody else."  
  
"Oh. Well, just as long as you're OK with that, I guess."  
  
When Bare-It's meatloaf was served, Boogergoblin said, "And what is this?"  
  
"Meatloaf," replied Bare-It.  
  
"They...eat this, where you come from?"  
  
"Yes, certainly," replied Bare-It.  
  
"Like, as a punishment for some terrible crime?" asked Boogergoblin.  
  
Bare-It shook his head no.  
  
"Um," said Boogergoblin, "As, er, part of our hospitality, allow us to provide you with genuine Cosmo Canyon cuisine." Boogergoblin leaned over to whisper to an aide. Trent heard him frantically whisper, "Get take-out...fast", and the aide left.  
  
As the aide rushed off to provide "Authentic Cosmo Canyon Cuisine", Boogergoblin turned his attention to Arsechimp.  
  
"Snotgoblin," he said, "Do you remember the tale of the Gi-String tribe?"  
  
Arsechimp scowled, "Yeah. Those sons of whores killed ma, after my son-of-a-bitch father abandoned us."  
  
"Yes, um, well, about that...were you, by chance, smoking anything when you heard that tale?"  
  
"Well, yeah, a big rock of crack."  
  
"And who told you that story?"  
  
"Billy the Liar."  
  
"Yeah, that's what I thought."  
  
"Are you saying Billy would have led me astray? Look at that face. Look! Could that face tell a lie?"  
  
"Well, they do call him Billy the Liar."  
  
"That's just a wee bit of a joke."  
  
"He does stay in Cosmo Canyon because the police are looking for him everywhere else."  
  
"Just a rumor."  
  
"I really think there's something you need to see."  
  
"Why?"  
  
"Just come and see me after supper, OK?"  
  
"Well, OK. Just for you, though."  
  
  
  
Later that night, Arsechimp followed Boogergoblin through a dark cave filled with vengeful spirits. This wasn't anything out of the ordinary for Arsechimp, but what made it truly terrible was that the vengeful spirits were singing "Ice, Ice Baby", and hovering out of reach, so Arsechimp couldn't disembowel them. There were a few giant spiders, with their sharpened legs covered in blood, but Arsechimp had been to Halifax, so he was used to that, as well. Unfortunately, the spiders appeared to be M.C. Hammer fans--"You Can't Touch This." Arsechimp shuddered.  
  
Finally, the pair of them reached a wall of blank stone. A demon stepped out of the stone face and attacked, singing "Hangin' Tough" by the New Kids on the Block. Fortunately, this demon wasn't immaterial. Arsechimp disembowelled it with great pleasure. Finally, they stood before what appeared to be a statue of a dog with arrows protruding out of it.  
  
"This," said Boogergoblin, "Is the brave warrior who protected our community from the attack by the Gi-String tribe. Long after their arrows had turned him to stone, he fought them with the one weapon that the Gi-String couldn't handle--melody.  
  
"Snotgoblin," rasped the statue, "I...am...your...faaaaaather..."  
  
Trent sat bolt upright, sweating. He looked around. The Cosmo Candle flickered in the night air. He glanced about the room. Everybody was safely in their beds, except for Boogergoblin and Arsechimp. Boogergoblin was hanging upside-down from a pole, bat-like, and Arsechimp was curled up on a rug in front of the door.  
  
{Just a bad dream,} he thought, and fell asleep once more.  
  
The next morning, the mechanic knocked on their door to tell them that the car was fixed. Trent looked outside, and gasped in amazement.  
  
The shitmobile was completely gone. In its place, glimmering black and clean, was the Batmobile.  
  
"Awesome!" he breathed, "How much do I owe you?"  
  
"Aw, don't worry about it," said the mechanic, "You'd do the same for me, right?"  
  
"I'm not physically able to make that kind of transformation to a vehicle," responded Trent, pressing 1000 gil into the mechanic's palm.  
  
"Hey, thanks man," said the mechanic, "Hey, by the way, I spotted a bottle out by the Cosmo Candle last night. You lose this?" The mechanic handed Trent an elixir.  
  
Trent and the party piled into the Batmobile and drove west.  
  
The black-cloaked man caught up with his quarries just as they piled into the Batmobile and drove off.  
  
"Shit!" he exclaimed, "I can't run this fast!"  
  
He glanced at the white orb that he'd found on top of a dead rat, pocketed it, and began to run after the trail of dust left by the departing vehicle.  
  
Preview of Chapter 13:  
  
"Nobody's gonna steal a car that smells like a dog's ass."  
  
"Well, shouldn't you inherit? I mean, I can't see genitalia of any kind on you."  
  
"Yuppie the Vampire Slayer?" 


	14. Chapter 13

Chapter 13  
  
-----  
  
The Batmobile lurched to a halt just outside the town of Nibelheim and everybody poured out, gasping and choking. Last out was Yuppie, sporting a big grin.  
  
"Jesus Christ!" gasped Bare-It, "That's the foulest fart I've ever had to endure, and I worked with Vedge for five years!"  
  
Trent indicated Nibelheim with a thrust of his chin. "Sephy must have gone in there. There's nowhere else to run in this part of the country."  
  
"Your hometown," sighed Aeris.  
  
Trent nodded. "I'll head in to investigate. Yuppie and Cait Sith, you're with me. The rest of you, stay in the car."  
  
Bare-It looked at Trent, aghast.  
  
"Well, OK, air the car out first, but stay close enough that no-one steals it."  
  
"Nobody's gonna steal a car that smells like a dog's ass."  
  
"Whatever. Just make sure!"  
  
"Hey, you can count on me!"  
  
Trent gasped when he pushed open the rusted iron gate at the front of Nibelheim. The town was restored to what it had looked like, five years earlier, before Sephy had razed it. Trent casually conversed with several of the townspeople, but nobody gave any indication that the town had been burned. Several denied it outright when Trent suggested it. Finally, Trent walked into the house that had been his mother's.  
  
His nose was met by the scent of fresh baked bread. Lost in reverie, Trent sat down at the table.  
  
"Beautiful day," came a female voice from behind him, "On a day like this, I just love to bake bread, sit back, and enjoy a glass of Treadmill: the mighty lager with the world's first great taste of fish."  
  
"Can you try it without the 'of fish'?"  
  
"Of course, can't think what came over me. Treadmill: the mighty lager with the world's first great taste...of fish. Oops, damn! Wait, let me try it again. Treadmill! The MIGHTY lager with the world's first great taste of fish. Oh, shit! shit! shit! shit!"  
  
Trent swiveled his head to bear on the woman. "Hey!" he exclaimed, "Who the hell are you? You're not my mom! This is another beer commercial, isn't it! Get out of here! Leave me the hell alone!"  
  
"Um, it's kinda...my house."  
  
As Trent scurried out the door, he was pursued by the sound of, 'Treadmill: the mighty lager with the world's first great taste of fish.'"  
  
Tifa's house was filled with strange black-cloaked men who chanted Sephy Lee Roth's name and had numbers tattooed on their hands. At first, Trent was somewhat upset about that, but these men had another characteristic: flasks of whiskey. Late that night, when Yuppie came looking, she found Trent and the black-cloaked men gathered in Tifa's room. Trent was playing the piano skillfully, and singing not-so-skillfully.  
  
"Yup'pee!" exclaimed Trent when he saw her, "C'mon in 'n' half a tot o' grog! Ahr, that hits the frackin' spot! Let's have us a song!"  
  
Trent started playing the piano, and the black-cloaks chanted, "Sephy...Sephy...reunion...Sephy..."  
  
Yuppie reached for a flask, but then remembered that she'd come for a purpose, and Cait Sith would be worried, back at the inn. First she examined the room, and read a notepad on Tifa's desk, then cast about for a suitable method of sobering Trent up. Discovering none, she ripped a juicy fart.  
  
Trent sobered up instantly.  
  
"...And now, according to the notes, the town is populated by Shinra (now Hair Club) employees who are trying to cover up the destruction of Nibelheim," concluded Yuppie.  
  
"Hey Cait Sith," said Trent, "What the hell is that thing that you're riding?"  
  
"What, this?" asked the cat, "It's a crossbreed between Kirby and the Sta-Puft Marshmallow Man."  
  
"Aren't they both male?"  
  
"Oh, I see, you're one of them. Shouldn't same-sex couples have the benefit of children? Well?"  
  
"Calm down, Cait Sith, I was just asking a question. I don't see how it's physically possible for two men to bear children; It should only have the genes of one or the other."  
  
"Modern technology," explained Cait Sith.  
  
"You mean Kirby's a gal now?"  
  
"Actually, it's Sta-Puft. Staci-Puft, now."  
  
"So you do have a mom."  
  
"Yes. I do. And so does this big white beast I ride. Staci-Puft isn't MY mom, you know. My mom was a lioness and my dad was an alley cat."  
  
"I didn't know that they were cross-fertile."  
  
"Most alley cats aren't, you-know, big enough, to make the experiment."  
  
"Wouldn't that kind of thing carry over?"  
  
"What do you mean?"  
  
"Well, shouldn't you inherit? I mean, I can't see genitalia of any kind on you."  
  
"You're looking? Sick, man! Well, the truth is, I was adopted by an old lady who didn't want kittens."  
  
"You mean--?"  
  
"Yeah. I never even had a chance."  
  
"Ouch."  
  
"You're telling me."  
  
The following morning, the three of them proceded into the Hair Club Mansion in pursuit of Sephy. Yuppie found a note in the kitchen. It contained a riddle:  
  
the lid of the box with the most oxygen  
  
behind the ivory's short of tea and ray  
  
creak in floor near chair on 2nd floor, then left 5, up 9, left 2, and up 6  
  
There was also a message written in invisible ink: Right 97.  
  
The third message was the easiest. They tracked it down, and found "right 59" written on the wall.  
  
Cait Sith spotted a treasure box in a greenhouse. Reasoning that plants inhaled carbon dioxide and exhaled oxygen, he decided that this must be the box spoken of in the first clue. Examining the box, he discovered "right 36".  
  
It was Trent who found the second clue. He found a piano, and attempted to play some of the songs he'd invented in the previous night's bender. There were two keys missing. Trent played, "Do (blank) mi fa so la (blank) do", and realized that these ivory keys were missing re (ray) and ti (tea). Behind the piano was written "left 10".  
  
Afterwards, the group discovered a safe. Trent turned the combination lock right to 36, left to 10, right to 59, then right to 97. The lock clicked audibly. A giant ravening beast burst out of the safe, also audibly.  
  
Trent's first thought was {how did that great big beast ever fit in that tiny little safe?} His second was {Is that great big beast really going to bite Yuppie's head off? I'd better not wait to find out.} Drawing his sword, Trent charged in and sliced the beast's tail off. Roaring, it dropped Yuppie.  
  
"I guess Sephy knows we're here now," said Yuppie.  
  
Yuppie extended one hand, and a fireball hurled from her palm to impact on the beast. Trent pointed, and lightning arced from his fingertip.  
  
The beast howled, "Why are you so mean?" and disintegrated.  
  
"That was pretty cool," said Yuppie, "Why can't I have the Lighting materia?"  
  
Trent pointed at Yuppie...  
  
Harvesting the basement key and summon materia from the safe, the party proceded to the secret stairway Trent had discovered when he'd come here five years earlier. Trent decided to try the key on the locked door he'd been unable to force open then. The lock clicked, and the party slipped in. The room was filled with coffins.  
  
"They locked this room?" wondered Trent.  
  
"I wonder if there's any materia in these funny boxes," said Yuppie.  
  
"No!" exclaimed Trent, "Respect the dea--" but it was too late. Yuppie had already pried one of the pine boxes open. The occupant turned over and said, "Just five more minutes, ma."  
  
"What the hell? You're alive?" exclaimed Cait Sith.  
  
"Fuck," whispered the figure, and sat up, "I guess I've gotta be up anyway, so you might as well introduce yourselves. I'm Vincent"  
  
"Well," began Trent, unsure how to speak to the dead, "I'm Trent Strife, and this is Cait Sith, and the lady who pried open your coffin is Yuppie."  
  
"Yuppie the Vampire Slayer?" exclaimed Vincent, curling into the fetal position.  
  
"Um, no. Yuppie doesn't slay much of anything."  
  
"Hey!" exclaimed the little ninja, "I'll kick your peachy little ass!"  
  
"Bring it on," commented Trent dryly.  
  
"Aren't you going to break this up," asked Vincent of Cait Sith.  
  
"Hell no," replied the cat, "I'm going for popcorn!"  
  
The confrontation, however, was brought to a halt by a loud peeping sound, followed by a horrible stench.  
  
"Ha, ha!" said Vincent, "Someone cut a ripper!"  
  
"Jesus Christ, Yuppie, that's foul!" said Cait Sith.  
  
"Yeah," agreed Vincent, "So foul, I think it needs a name."  
  
"How about Jack?" suggested Trent.  
  
"Yeah!" exclaimed Vincent, "Jack. Jack the Ripper it is!"  
  
  
  
Meanwhile, outside of Nibelheim, Bare-It lost his patience.  
  
"We've been sitting here for almost a full day and that car still reeks. I say we head after Trent."  
  
"He should be back by now," fretted Aeris, "I wonder if something hasn't gone horribly wrong?"  
  
Bare-It, Tifa, Aeris, and Arsechimp set off into the town. Several minutes later, a black-cloaked figure, now too winded to sing, found the abandoned batmobile.  
  
"Woo-hoo!" he exclaimed, "Jackpot!"  
  
Trent drew his sword and kicked the library door open. Splinters of door crashed loudly against the far wall.  
  
"Shh!" called a voice from within.  
  
"Sephy Lee Roth, I know you're in there! Come out and settle this like a man!"  
  
"Hey, this is a library, jackoff," came the voice, "Don't you know that you're supposed to be quiet? People are trying to read in here." Trent whirled towards the source of the voice. Standing in the Romance aisle, with a book in hand, was Sephy Lee Roth.  
  
Yuppie cut a loud ripper.  
  
"Shh!" exclaimed Sephy.  
  
"It's all over, Sephy," said Trent.  
  
Sephy looked up, recognized Trent, and guiltily hid the book behind his back. "Ah, Trent," he said, "Here for the reunion, I take it?"  
  
"Reunion?" asked Trent, "I never even went to high school."  
  
"Alas," said Sephy, shaking his head, "I guess you don't have the right to participate after all."  
  
"That's not what we're here for, Sephy. You can't have the Trousers. We're here to stop you!"  
  
Sephy hurled a Materia orb at Trent, and broke into a run. "Na, na na boo-boo," he taunted, "You can't catch me!"  
  
"Shh!" replied Trent, "This is a library."  
  
As Trent, Yuppie, and Cait Sith pursued Sephy out of the mansion, Vincent caught up with them.  
  
"I can't get back to sleep," he said, "Mind if I come with you guys?"  
  
Trent nodded and continued to run. While running down the stairs, he tripped and tumbled head over heels to the bottom in classic comical fashion, swearing profusely all the way. When he ran out of swear words, he invented some new ones.  
  
Yuppie watched this with clinical interest. She looked at the stairs, then looked at the scissors in her hands, then looked at the stairs again. Calmly, she set the scissors on the banister and proceded down the stairs at a stately pace. Then she slipped on a banana peel. Vincent decided that the stairs were cursed and slid down the handrail, deftly groining himself on the wooden knob at the bottom of the rail.  
  
Cait Sith watched all this, and said, "Oh, what the hell," and proceded to roll down the stairs, saving Fate the trouble of tripping him.  
  
Outside, the black-cloaked crooner was looking over the Batmobile. He popped the hood and had a look at the engine. "Oh, sweet!" he said, "They don't make these anymore!"  
  
Then, he noticed the keys hanging in the ignition. A grin spread across his hooded face.  
  
The pursuit of Trent, Yuppie, Cait Sith, and Vincent of Sephy Lee Roth through the Nibel Mountains was cut short by what appeared to be a gigantic mantis. They tried to go around it, but it stood firmly in their path.  
  
"The fabled materia keeper," breathed Vincent, "I never thought I'd see the like."  
  
Trent rummaged through his backpack and produced a can. He popped the lid.  
  
"Raid!" exclaimed the Materia Keeper in dismay, and scuttled away.  
  
"Got any more of that stuff?" asked Yuppie.  
  
"Yes, and so do you."  
  
"I do?" inquired Yuppie, rummaging through her pack.  
  
"Yeah, it's the stuff you've been spraying under your armpits."  
  
"It...oh."  
  
"By the way, you stink. Get some pit stick."  
  
A small, white, and furry creature was fishing peacefully in a stream in the Nibel Mountains, when suddenly it was trampled by an enormous mantis-like creature.  
  
"Kuso!" it swore.  
  
Preview of Chapter 14:  
  
"Oh, the gigantic phallus!"  
  
"I didn't even know guys had uvulas."   
  
"Oh, go to the Island Closest to Hell." 


	15. Chapter 14

Chapter 14  
  
-----  
  
Bare-It emerged from the Nibel Mountains, and quickly sought out Trent's camp. He found Trent, Vincent, and Cait Sith asleep in their tents, and Yuppie asleep on watch. Tifa, Aeris, and Bare-It bedded down, and Arsechimp stood watch.  
  
When Yuppie woke up, she found that her pack had been completely emptied of food, and there were tooth-marks all over the fasteners. Arsechimp was innocently marking the trees in the vicinity when he got a boot up his ass.  
  
The sound of cheering drew Yuppie's attention upwards. "Cait Sith," she called, "Did Arsechimp chase you up a tree again?"  
  
Trent was upset at Bare-It for abandoning his watch on the Batmobile, but had to admit that the lingering smell of Yuppie's ripper would serve as an effective theft-deterrent system.  
  
  
  
Yuppie turned out to be an expert tracker as well as a ninja. She followed Sephy's tracks until they reached a village with a gigantic tilted phallus in the middle of it.  
  
Trent called a group meeting. "Aeris and Bare-It, you come into the town with me. Tifa, you're in charge of the others. Surround the city--Don't make it obvious you're surrounding the city, but make sure if anyone--Sephy or not--goes in or out, you know who it is and what direction they're going in."  
  
Tifa nodded.  
  
A pink airplane buzzed overhead at treetop height as Trent entered the city of "Rocket Town."  
  
"That would make a damn fine mode of transport, my fellows," said Aeris, "Let's steal it."  
  
"Steal?" asked Bare-It, "Steal is such a nasty word. Let's say borrow instead."  
  
"It's not borrowing if the real owner doesn't know about it."  
  
"Well, let's ask for it, then."  
  
"And if the owner says no?"  
  
"Then we'll steal it. But only then can you call it stealing."  
  
They followed the path of the plane to a house near the center of town. They had a look at the plane.  
  
"Pink," muttered Trent, disgusted, "Who would commit such a crime?"  
  
"I think it's cute," said Aeris, who, coincidentally, was draped in pink from head to toe.  
  
"You would. I can't believe someone would make or buy such a beautiful machine and then ruin it all by painting it pink."  
  
They stepped into the house to see the owner. They found a woman, Shera, who said that Cid, the owner, could be found in the rocket.  
  
"Rocket?" inquired Trent.  
  
"You know," drawled Shera sarcastically, "That itty-bitty little structure hovering over the town like an omen of doom?"  
  
"Oh, the gigantic phallus!"  
  
Shera gave a start, then glanced out the window at the rocket. An appreciative grin came over her face. She started to chuckle, and Trent nervously backed out of the room.  
  
Trent did indeed find Cid in the rocketship.  
  
"Hi!" shouted the stout fellow, "Are you with the Hair Club?"  
  
"No, I'm here to meet some guy named Cid," answered Trent.  
  
"That's me," said the man, "Cid. Cid Wudjalookithatschlong! I'm the Master of this rocketship!"   
  
Trent's attention wandered as Cid drawled on and on about the Shinra Space program, and how it was cancelled after Shera forced them to cancel the original planned liftoff in order to double-check one of the fuel tanks.  
  
"...But now," Cid was saying when his tone indicated that he was about to wrap up the speech, "the President of the Hair Club for Men is coming here, here! It can only be because they're resuming funding for the Space Program!"  
  
"The President?" inquired Trent.  
  
"Yeah, not only is he the President of the Hair Club for Men--He's also a client!"  
  
"He's coming here?"  
  
"Yeah."  
  
"SHIT!" exclaimed Trent.  
  
"Watch your tongue," chided Cid.  
  
Trent stuck his tongue out, and attempted to look at it, crossing his eyes in the process. It made him look quite silly.  
  
"I see England, I see France," chanted Bare-It, "I see Trent's...um..."  
  
"Uvula?" supplied Cid.  
  
"I didn't even know guys had uvulas." said Bare-It.  
  
"Hey, Bare-It," asked Aeris, "Where are England and France?"  
  
"I don't know," admitted Bare-It, "It's just a bloody rhyme!"  
  
"But it doesn't rhyme!"  
  
"Oh, go to the Island Closest to Hell."  
  
Cid invited the three questors back to his home. He burst through the door of his house.  
  
"Shera!" he barked, "Make some goddamn tea!"  
  
"Cideth Wudjalookitthatschlong!" snapped Shera.  
  
Cid glanced at Bare-It. "Yes," he said, "It's very impressive."  
  
"That's not what I meant," screamed Shera, "I meant watch your goddamn language!"  
  
"You're not fooling anyone, you goddamn shrew! You just want to see my uvula!"  
  
"I didn't even know guys had uvulas," remarked Shera.  
  
An hour later, there was a break in the swearing, and Trent managed to outline the peril to the earth posed by Sephy Lee Roth and why they needed the pink airplane to pursue him to the ends of the earth.  
  
"...You'd be welcome to come along, as well," concluded Trent.  
  
"I don't know," said Cid, "It sounds kind of dangerous. I mean, around here, Shera nags me nigh unto death about my chain-smoking, but that's only nigh unto death. It sounds like you're walking into the jaws of death on a regular basis."  
  
"Oh, death's all right once you get used to it," persuaded Trent.  
  
"What, just ignore it, and it'll go away?" asked Cid incredulously.  
  
"Oh, no, that would be a really bad idea. If you ignore it, it'll pull your guts out with an iron hook and feed them to you."  
  
Cid fainted dead away.  
  
  
  
The following day, Palmer of the Hair Club for Men's Comic Relief division waddled into the city, followed by President Cyril Rufus, his hair plugs whistling in the wind. Cid walked out to the town square to meet with Rufus, while Trent and his friends hid in Cid's back yard with the airplane. Thus it was that they foiled an insidious plot.  
  
Well, OK, maybe insidious is the wrong word to use to describe the plot, per se, but it works really well with "foiled". The plot itself was merely sneaky. While Cid's attention was occupied with Rufus, Palmer snuck around back to steal the airplane. There he met Trent, Bare-It, and Aeris.  
  
"Oh, fudge," swore Palmer, "I was hoping I wouldn't have to fight. I'm not the fighting sort, you know."  
  
"Oh," inquired Aeris, "Just what is your function?"  
  
"Didn't you hear the first time? I'm the comic relief. I religiously abstain from doing anything funny, and under no circumstances do I shamelessly plug the Author's website."  
  
"You mean Bastardly Productions?"  
  
"Yeah, that's the one, at http://gnomes.usuck.com/. I'm also not supposed to mention The Tower of Babble, a language site located at http://citizenbleys.virtualave.net/, perfect for students of Japanese!"  
  
A glowing hand reached out of the sky and swatted Palmer on the ass.  
  
"Sorry, Oh Mighty and God-Like Author Or Words To That Extent!" he called into the sky, "I forgot that I wasn't supposed to mention Bastardly Productions...damn!"  
  
"Enough of this shit!" called Arsechimp from the cockpit, "Everybody get on board, we're getting out of here!"  
  
Everybody piled onto the airplane, and it took off.  
  
The plane circled, descended, and landed in Cid's yard again.  
  
"Dammit, Palmer, not you!" exclaimed Trent and hurled him bodily off of the plane. He landed in an enormous pile of manure. The plane revved up again, and began taking off. They narrowly passed over Cid and Rufus's heads. Cid leaped up and caught one of the struts, and RAZOR guards began firing machine guns at the plane.  
  
Climbing onto the wing of the plane, Cid crowed, "Alright! Go, Pink Panther!"  
  
"Pink Panther?" inquired Trent.  
  
"The name of the plane." explained Cid.  
  
Trent leaned over the side and threw up.  
  
"Airsick?" inquired Cid.  
  
"Something like that," muttered Trent.  
  
For the first time, Cid glanced at the cockpit. "Hey," he said, "I didn't know that dogs could operate aircraft!"  
  
"They can't," replied Bare-It, puzzled.  
  
"We can't?" asked Arsechimp.  
  
"I could have swore I read that someplace," said Bare-It distantly.  
  
The Pink Panther abruptly pitched forward and lurched into the heaving sea below.  
  
Preview of Chapter 15:  
  
"Can you ask your friend to stop pissing in our swimming pool?"  
  
"Oh, it's not serious burning. I happen to enjoy burning. In fact, I'm the best burner in Cid's knights!"  
  
"Isn't this what they do when they can't afford to hire enough actors?" 


	16. Chapter 15

Chapter 15  
  
-----  
  
After several hours of drifting on the sea, Cid asked, "What now?"  
  
Trent listlessly hauled on his fishing line, and said, "What can we do? We're kind of stranded."  
  
"If you'll give me a hand, I can fix the engine. The Pink Panther'll never fly again, but we can get her moving over sea. I owe that bastard Rufus some payback, and I'll be damned if I'll just float around here forever."  
  
"OK, but what do we do afterwards?"  
  
"Rufus said he was chasing some Sephy guy, who was going to the Temple of the Ancients. We can use the Pink Panther to find somebody who knows where the hell the Temple is."  
  
Trent nodded. Just then, a mermaid swam up to the plane and said, "Excuse me, but can you do me a favor?"  
  
Trent and Cid just stared at her breasts.  
  
Aeris noticed the mermaid. "Can we help you?" she asked icily, aware of Trent's gaze.  
  
The mermaid pointed at Bare-It. "Can you ask your friend to stop pissing in our swimming pool?"  
  
Early the next morning, a repaired Pink Panther landed on the shores of Bone Village. The party had spent most of the previous evening searching the world for signs of Sephy or the Temple of the Ancients. Trent and Cid went into the village. Standing near the village entrance were an enormous ogre and a wiry black mage, staring at each other.  
  
"Hey," said Cid, "There are a couple of my Knights!"  
  
"You've got knights?" inquired Trent.  
  
"Well, sure, doesn't everybody?"  
  
"Actually, you're the first person I've ever met who has knights. What does a pilot need with knights?"  
  
"I sort of collect them."  
  
"Most people collect stamps."  
  
"How boring."  
  
"Well, there's kind of a logic to it, Cid-a-rooney. You see, with stamps, once you're bored of them, you can just toss 'em in a closet and forget about them. Knights tend to take violent exception to that kind of thing. It's really quite unhealthy."  
  
"So, what you're saying is that you wish you had knights, right?"  
  
"Something like that."  
  
"Pardon me," said Trent, tugging on the ogre's fur, "Pray tell, what are you doing?"  
  
"Waiting," replied the ogre.  
  
"What for?"  
  
"Because we want to!"  
  
"No, no, I mean, what are you waiting for?"  
  
"We need to wait for something?"  
  
"That's kind of the idea behind waiting, you know."  
  
"What do you know about it" argued the ogre hotly, "I'm a Super Master Waiter. That means I'm really good at it."  
  
"But I'm the best Waiter in Cid's Knights," added the mage.  
  
"That remains to be seen," the ogre shot back.  
  
"Well," replied the mage, looking upward at a 90 degree angle, "At least I'm the tallest knight."  
  
Cid looked at Trent, "Are you sure you don't want some knights? These ones, perhaps?"  
  
"What do I need knights for?" inquired Trent.  
  
"We're exceptional waiters," replied the ogre. As the ogre turned to face Trent, the mage withdrew a lighter from his voluminous robes and set the ogre's fur on fire.  
  
"Hey! Hey!" shouted the ogre, running about, "No fair!"  
  
"I've noticed that you don't seem to be waiting anymore," replied the mage.  
  
"Of course I'm still waiting!"  
  
"Actually, you appear to be rolling on the ground and burning."  
  
"I'm also waiting."  
  
"You can't do something else at the same time as you wait!"  
  
"Nonsense! When I order pizza, I watch TV while I wait for it to show up."  
  
"That's different."  
  
"How so?"  
  
"Well, you're not accomplishing anything while you watch TV You're just having some fun. Right now, you're getting some serious burning done."  
  
"Oh, it's not serious burning. I happen to enjoy burning. In fact, I'm the best burner in Cid's knights!"  
  
"Oh, no you're not," replied the mage, dousing himself in gasoline, "Beat this!"  
  
He flicked a lighter and burst into flames, creating a rather spectacular human-torch effect.  
  
"Ha!" shouted the ogre, "I have more body mass to burn than you." He also doused himself in gas, creating an even bigger ogre-torch effect. "I can keep this up all day!" he shouted.  
  
From a safe distance, Trent asked Cid, "Are they always like that?"  
  
"No," replied Cid, "sometimes they do weird things."  
  
At that moment, the ogre ripped a monstrous fart, spewing flames across the length of the village.  
  
"Such as that," added Cid.  
  
"You don't suppose they know what Sephy is up to?"  
  
"You're welcome to find out," said Cid.  
  
Trent made a rather comical figure, chasing after a burning ogre as he tore through the village at a rate of speed ordinarily associated with aircraft. As Trent watched, the mage came over to stand beside him.  
  
"What do you suppose that guy's doing?" asked the mage, "It looks pretty weird."  
  
"Yeah," said Cid, lighting a cigar on the burning mage, "I do tend to hang around with strange people."  
  
"That's why I hang around you. I get to see people behaving totally weirdly. By the way, do you think I'm a better burner than BOU?"  
  
"No comment," replied Cid prudently. "Say, have you seen a guy in a black cape around here?"  
  
"Sure, all over the place! Black capes are coming back into style, don't you know."  
  
"This guy would be carrying a sword that's bigger than he is, and travelling with a headless naked woman."  
  
"Oh, that guy. Yeah, he said that he was going to the Temple of the Ancients. It's right in the middle of a forest way down south. I remember it clearly, because that's where we went when BOU said he was a Super Master Logger and I had to prove that I was the best logger in Cid's knights. Funny thing, though, there doesn't seem to be a way in. Black-cape said he needed a keystone of some sort, but I have no idea what the hell he was talking about. You might want to ask Herman."  
  
"Herman?"  
  
"Yeah, he's a blacksmith. Lives on a peninsula way down south. He knows a lot about rocks. I remember him clearly because we went down there when BOU said that he was the best blacksmith in--"  
  
"I get the idea," said Cid, "Thanks." He stubbed out his cigar, and lit one more on the burning mage.  
  
"Any time! Just remember who the best burner is!"  
  
Sure enough, Herman had once owned the stone. He reluctantly told Trent who he'd sold it to: Dios. The Pink Panther couldn't lift out of the water, so Trent, Aeris, and Cait Sith walked to Corel Village to take the Ropeway, while the others stayed behind to mind the Pink Panther.  
  
"This time stay with the vehicle, Bare-It," Trent had said before they left, "We REALLY don't need this vehicle being stolen."  
  
"I said I was sorry," Bare-It had replied sullenly.  
  
When they found the Keystone in Dios's showroom, the burly manager walked into the room.  
  
"Beauty, ain't it?" he said.  
  
"Yeah," replied Trent, "Can I have it?"  
  
"No."  
  
"Please?"  
  
"No."  
  
"Come on! Pretty puh-leeeeze?"  
  
"Oh, stop it!"  
  
"Only if you give me the rock."  
  
"Fine! If it'll shut you up, you can have the fucking rock. What a whiner!" Dios stormed off.  
  
They returned to the Ropeway station to discover that the tram was malfunctioning and would be unable to make any trips back down to Corel until the morning. They retired for the evening.  
  
Late that night, there was a scratching at the door of Trent's hotel room.  
  
"Go back to bed!" he shouted.  
  
"But the litterbox is downstairs!" whined Cait Sith.  
  
"Go back to bed!" he repeated.  
  
The scratching resumed insistently. Aeris rolled over.  
  
"Trent, would you put the cat out, please?" she said dreamily.  
  
Muttering swear words, Trent opened the door. Cait Sith bounded outside.  
  
"I don't know why we couldn't just get that damn cat a room of his own." he said.  
  
"At least we have some privacy now," replied Aeris, a suggestive grin on her face.  
  
Trent's face lit up.  
  
Thirty seconds later, a plaintive scratching came on the door. "I'm cold!" complained Cait Sith from beyond the door.  
  
"Dammit!" exclaimed Trent and Aeris together.  
  
"When this is all over," said Trent, "There is NO way I'm ever getting a cat!"  
  
"Amen," replied Aeris.  
  
"You know," thought Trent, "We might be able to get some privacy if we weren't in this room."  
  
"I like the way you think," replied Aeris, "I was really looking forward to that after-sex smoke."  
  
"Hm," replied Trent, "I hadn't given any thought to after."  
  
"Oh, let the cat in," Aeris replied, swatting him with a pillow.  
  
Trent and Aeris walked into the theatre. An usher met them at the door saying that by being the 100th couple through the door, they had "won" roles in the play. Aeris was delighted.  
  
"Isn't this what they do when they can't afford to hire enough actors?" asked Trent.  
  
Aeris just rolled her eyes and pushed Trent onto the stage.  
  
A knight approached from the other side of the stage.  
  
"Oh, Hero Alfred, you must save the lady Rosa from the Evil Dragon King!", he said.  
  
Moments passed.  
  
"Ahem. Hero Alfred. That's your line, Hero Alfred." the knight prompted.  
  
Trent looked around. "I don't think the Hero Alfred can hear you," he said.  
  
The knight glared. "You're the Hero Alfred," he said.  
  
"Oh," said Trent, "Let me guess. I'm supposed to slay the Evil Dragon King, marry the damsel in distress, and live happily ever after, right?"  
  
"Well, that is the idea."  
  
"How mundane."  
  
"You have a better idea."  
  
"How about if I challenge you?"  
  
"Er, challenge?" replied the knight/actor, visibly nervous, "What sort of challenge did you have in mind?"  
  
Trent cast down a gauntlet, and declared, "I am the best burner in Cid's Knights!"  
  
From the back of the stage, Aeris's muffled voice said, "Oh, shit!"  
  
Affronted, the knight replied, "Oh, no, sir! There are no finer burners than I!"  
  
"Alfred, stop!" shouted Aeris, rushing onto the stage.  
  
"Oh, no, it's too late for that!" grinned Trent, "There must be a contest!"  
  
The audience cheered.  
  
"We shall have a burning competition!" declaimed Trent, "And the finer burner shall have the hand of the Lady Rosa!"  
  
"Accepted!" cried the knight, setting himself on fire. The knight danced around the stage, failing to notice that Trent was rather thoroughly kissing Aeris. The audience erupted in laughter.  
  
The stage manager thought {I'd better get those two off the stage before they do anything untoward.}   
  
Thus, Trent and Aeris found themselves unceremoniously hustled off of the stage and out of the theatre.  
  
"That was fun," said Aeris, "And--Hey!"  
  
Trent spun around, trying to see what Aeris had reacted to. "What is it?" he inquired.  
  
"I tought I taw a puddy tat!"  
  
Cait Sith's head popped out of one of the chutes.  
  
"I did! I did! I did taw a puddy tat!"  
  
"After him!" cried Trent.  
  
They chased Cait Sith all over the Gold Saucer, finally winding up on the long steps in front of the Chocobo Square. Then they noticed that he was carrying the Keystone. A Hair Club helicopter was hovering overhead. Cait Sith tossed the keystone at Tseng, who was clinging to the undercarriage. The helicopter buggered off.  
  
"You traitor!" accused Trent.  
  
"Alright," admitted Cait Sith, "I am an employee of the Hair Club for Men, but we're really not at cross-purposes here."  
  
"Spy!" hissed Aeris.  
  
"I'm really going to have to insist that I continue travelling with you guys."  
  
"Why," raged Trent, "So you can keep spying on us?"  
  
"Sir, let us be reasonable. I want to you to forbear gutting me like a fish, and there's something you'd probably rather I didn't do..."  
  
"You son of a bitch," rasped Trent, "What have you done?"  
  
Smugly, the cat dialed a cell phone. He set it on "intercom" so that Trent and Aeris could listen in.  
  
"Hello?" came a child's voice.  
  
"Marlene!" exclaimed Trent.  
  
"Trent?" answered the voice, "Help!"  
  
"Where are you?"  
  
"I'm at Hair Club HQ," she said.  
  
"Have they hurt you?"  
  
"No," sobbed Marlene, "they're doing something much, much worse. They're using (sob) sarcasm!"  
  
"Bastards!" breathed Aeris.  
  
Cait Sith hung up the phone. "So you see, if I can't come with you, I'm afraid that I'll have no choice but to continue to employ rather scathing sarcasm on an innocent little girl. We wouldn't want that, now would we?"  
  
"Damn!" swore Trent, "If we let you come along, you'll stop?"  
  
"If I must," replied Cait Sith.  
  
"Come on then. We're headed for the temple."  
  
"Everybody!" shouted a burly man on the deck of an ocean liner docked at Costa Del Sol.  
  
"I wish I was in Sherbrooke now!" chorused the sailors gathered below,   
  
"I was told we'd cruise the seas for American gold,  
  
we'd fire no guns,  
  
shed no teaaaaaars!  
  
Now I'm a drunken man on a Halifax beer,  
  
The last of Bare-It's Privateers!"  
  
"That's a wrap!" shouted the burly fellow on the liner, "We sail for Bone Town tomorrow!" A cheer erupted from the sailors below.  
  
After the crowd had dispersed, the Batmobile burst onto the scene. It roared down a pier. Just before it went heaving into the sea below, a door opened and a black-cloaked man leaped out, followed by several moogles, who immediately headed in the direction of Corel Village.  
  
The black-cloaked man rolled on the pier, stood up, and dusted himself off.  
  
"Fux0r," muttered the man, "1 w1sh 1 h4d kn0wn h0w t0 st0p."  
  
Preview of Chapter 16:  
  
"It's like my dad always said: Cid, he said, always carry a few extra SAM's. You never know when you're gonna need to off a few 'skeeters."  
  
"God help him if he gets his willy caught!"  
  
"You know what your problem is? You're a penguin, aren't you?" 


	17. Chapter 16

Chapter 16  
  
-----  
  
The engine of the Pink Panther sputtered to a stop on the shores of a forested isle, and Trent, Cid, and Aeris debarked.  
  
"There it is," breathed Aeris, awed, "The Temple of the Ancients."  
  
"Fuckit," muttered Cid.  
  
"Impressive, eh?" asked Aeris.  
  
"No," replied Cid, "I said fuckit because I'm out of Deep Woods Off. The mosquitos are going to eat me alive!"  
  
"Excited to be here?" asked Trent.  
  
"Do bears shit in the woods?" replied Aeris.  
  
"Apparently so," said Trent, pointing.  
  
"Mind your own damn business!" roared the bear over his newspaper. Crouched next to him was a rabbit.  
  
"Hey," said the bear to the rabbit, "Do you have problems with shit sticking to your fur?"  
  
"No," replied the rabbit, "Why?"  
  
So the bear wiped his ass on the rabbit.  
  
Trent's attention was pulled away from the bear-rabbit spectacle by the sound of an explosion.  
  
"What the hell was that?" he gasped.  
  
Cid shrugged. "I'm outta Off, so I'm using these portable Surface-to-Air Missiles to keep the bugs away. It's like my dad always said: 'Cid,' he said, 'always carry a few extra SAM's. You never know when you're gonna need to off a few 'skeeters.'"  
  
"Your dad really said that?"  
  
"Well, he was into crack."  
  
"That explains it."  
  
Forest gave way to clearing, and there stood a massive pyramidic structure.  
  
Aeris gasped. "They're here. The Ancients. I can feel them...the hair on the back of my neck is standing up!"  
  
"Sorry," replied Trent, putting the comb away, "That was me."  
  
The trio walked into the main entrance of the temple. There was blood everywhere, and in the middle of it was Tseng.  
  
"Oh, my god!" exclaimed Aeris, "Tseng, are you all right? Did Sephy do this?"  
  
"Wha--no!" replied Tseng, turning around. His face was covered in small cuts, "I'm just not very good at shaving. Sephy's in there, though. He gave me a dollar to leave him alone."  
  
"Where's the keystone?" demanded Trent.  
  
"Oh, here," muttered Tseng, "I guess Sephy didn't pay me to keep others out. Here ya go."  
  
Trent slid the keystone into an oddly-shaped receptacle in a stone pedestal.  
  
"You have fallen...Into the clapper trap!" boomed a voice.  
  
"You swine!" exclaimed Trent as he slid through the floor.  
  
"That was cool," chuckled Cid when the trio had recovered sufficiently from their trip through the solid stone floor, "Let's do it again."  
  
"No," replied Trent, "We're here for a purpose."  
  
"And that is-?" inquired Cid.  
  
Aeris answered, "The Trousers. The Ancients are telling me that the Official Bastardly Productions Trousers are stored in here."  
  
"Then we're too late?" asked Trent.  
  
"No, no...Sephy doesn't have them yet...plus, he's not strong enough to put them on by himself...That zipper is a real bugger. No, first, he needs to get them out of the Temple, and then he needs to use a hydraulic lift to get the zipper up--And God help him if he gets his willy caught!"  
  
"What is this...Hydraulic lift of which you speak?" asked Trent.  
  
"It's a special machine, created by the Ancients. All of the Ancient's old machinery is stored in a great depot in the Earth's Wound."  
  
"Why didn't you mention this stuff earlier?" inquired Trent.  
  
"Earth's Wound?" asked Cid.  
  
"Trent: I'm just learning now. The Ancients are telling me. And Cid: Thousands of years ago, a big-ass rock slammed into the earth, making an enormous crater. It also wiped out the Dinosaurs."  
  
"What the hell are you talking about, Ancients? I don't see no freaking Ancients!"  
  
"WE DON'T NEED NO STINKING BADGERS!"  
  
"Cid, calm down."  
  
"Sorry."  
  
"Well, Aeris? What about these badg--Ancients?"  
  
"Don't you hear them? The voices!"  
  
"You're hearing voices?"  
  
"Yeah!"  
  
"That explains a lot."  
  
"Hey, I think I'm starting to hear voices! And the walls are melting! And look, there's thousands of cobras coming down those stairs!" exclaimed Cid.  
  
"Um, Cid?" asked Trent.  
  
"Yes, Trent?"  
  
"What exactly is it that you're smoking?"  
  
An hour later, the trio found themselves in a narrow hallway dodging enormous rocks. The rocks had "bites" taken out of them, and the group had to try to sit where those holes would be to avoid being flattened by the rocks. Once, near the end of the hallway, Trent got caught by one of the boulders.  
  
"Trent, are you OK?" exclaimed Aeris.  
  
"Dammit, man, that musta hurt!" added Cid.  
  
"That," moaned Trent, "sucked a mountain of ass the size of Midgar."  
  
The trio retreated to a pinkish shimmering pool halfway through the hall.  
  
"Hey," said Aeris, "I think I hear voices coming out of the pool!" She leaned over the rolling pink waters.  
  
"Hmm," she continued, "It seems to be quieter now. Hey, Cid, gimme another drag!"  
  
Cid reluctantly passed the wrist-thick bundle of vegetable matter over. Aeris took a deep drag and passed it back.  
  
"There," she finished, "the pool's talking again."  
  
Trent pushed her into the water.  
  
After still more fruitless searching of the Temple, the trio came into a room that looked like an enormous analog clock suspended over a pit. The minute and hour hands spanned the gap, allowing them to cross to any one of 12 rooms stationed around the circle, by "winding" the clock to position the hands. Trent crept along to the middle first, motioning the other two to wait. As he neared the middle, a nasty thought occurred to him.  
  
"Hey," he started, "I hope this isn't a-!"  
  
"CUCKOO!!" chimed the giant clown head, springing up from the center of the clock face, and propelling Trent into the pit below. He hit the bottom, making a sickening "Squish" noise.  
  
"Oh my god!" repeated Aeris, "Trent, are you all right?"  
  
Trent moaned, "That sucked a mountain of ass the size of the frigging Gold Saucer!"  
  
"What's down there?"  
  
"Shit," answered Trent, "This appears to have been the Ancient's midden. Toss me a rope before I pu--! (gagging noise) Oh, too late. Toss me a rope anyway."  
  
"Surely it can't be that bad," called Cid downwards.  
  
"Why don't you come down here and find out," answered Trent, "Hell, I'll even trade places with you."  
  
Only minutes later, the trio entered a hallway covered with hieroglyphics. In the center of the room was depicted an enormous comet streaming across the sky. The trio paused to look at it.  
  
"Ah, the ancient meteor," came a laconic voice behind them, "How the people of Earth trembled at her coming."  
  
From the shadows emerged Sephy Lee Roth, his face a picture of scorn. He was trailed by the headless, naked figure of Jehova.  
  
"Thousands of years ago it came," quoth Sephy, "A calamity from the skies, striking the Earth far to the north, causing species to become immediately extinct, and bringing a mighty ice age. Death stalked the Earth for ages, and one being reigned supreme...until the Ancients came!" Sephy spat the word "Ancients", investing it with thousands of years of scorn.  
  
Jehova gestured towards the mural of the ancient Meteor. "Recognize anyone?" came her disembodied voice.  
  
"The Cetra weren't the only people to travel the stars in the Ancient days," said Sephy, "Mother's people--my people--once ruled an empire spanning galaxies. And we will again, even with only two of us left." With that, Sephy faded away, chuckling.  
  
Trent drew forth his sword, "Sephy!" he screamed, "Come out and fight like a man!" But there was no answer.  
  
Aeris gasped, and pointed to a shadowed alcove. Nothing was there, but there was a spot on the stone with no dust. A spot in the shape of a pair of trousers.  
  
Trent fainted dead away.  
  
Shadows stalked the night...And Batman stalked the shadows. Leaping from rooftop to rooftop like an acrobat, he--  
  
"Trent!"  
  
{dammit.}  
  
The dream faded away, to show a forest. From behind a tree came Aeris.  
  
"I can still stop him, Trent," said Aeris, "But I need your help. Just keep Sephy off my ass while I try to use the White Magic."  
  
"White Magic?" asked Trent.  
  
"Remember that Materia I showed you? The one that doesn't do anything?"  
  
"You mean that piece of scud I chucked out the window of the trolley at the Gold Saucer."  
  
"Yeah that. That was the White Materia, fashioned by the Ancients to protect the Earth if the Official Bastardly Productions Trousers ever fell into foul hands. While I can't find it anymore," Aeris broke off briefly to glare at Trent, "Maybe I can harvest enough energy to invoke it wherever it is if I stand at the heart of the City of the Ancients on the Northern Continent. All you have to do is keep Sephy off my ass for a little while. You think you can do that, hotshot?" With that, she faded away.  
  
The dream started to fade away like Aeris, when suddenly it jerked back into focus. A sinister hush fell over the forest as Sephy Lee Roth descended from the upper branches of a mighty Gilden tree.  
  
"She's going to be a difficult one, isn't she?" Sephy drawled. "Race you to the Cetra capital! I'm almost there!" Sephy burst into near hysterical laughter. Jehova descended from a smaller tree and slapped Sephy sharply across the cheek.  
  
"Thanks," muttered the white-haired swordsman, "I needed that."  
  
This time the dream faded away for real.  
  
Trent came awake to find Bare-It lowering his hand into a tray of warm water.  
  
"Ahem! Excuse me!"  
  
Bare-It jumped back, grinning guiltily.  
  
Trent examined his surroundings. It looked like any room, except--  
  
A poster stood on the wall, reading "Robinett's: The Underwear Rental Specialists"  
  
"Shit!" exclaimed Trent.  
  
"What's your problem?" asked Bare-It.  
  
"We're in Gongaga! Sephy's way ahead of us!"  
  
"That's not your problem." said Bare-It.  
  
"What?"  
  
"You know what your problem is? You're a penguin, aren't you?"  
  
"Um, no, I'm not a penguin."  
  
"Are you sure?"  
  
"There's not one single thing penguinesque about me."  
  
"What about your flippers?"  
  
"Well, there is the flippers. But aside from that, I don't have a penguin-like bone in my body."  
  
"And the beak?"  
  
"That's more like a puffin's beak."  
  
"So you admit that you're a PUFFIN, then."  
  
"Yes. Yes. I am a puffin. A Stud-Puffin, if you will."  
  
"And if I won't?"  
  
"You won't what?"  
  
"You said, 'if you will'. That implies an option."  
  
"Then I'd still be a Stud-Puffin."  
  
"Puffin, my ass. You're a penguin."  
  
Abruptly, Trent realized what they were talking about. "Did someone lace the water?"  
  
"I dunno," replied Bare-It, "But whatever it is that Cid is smoking, it sure smells good. Like fresh horse manure. That bothered me at first, but now I have this irresistable fondness for horseshit."  
  
"Clear the air. We gotta go!"  
  
Bare-It looked at Trent quizzically, and Trent filled him in on what had happened in the Temple and afterwards in his dream.  
  
Preview of Chapter 17:  
  
"OK, I'm just going to go ahead and say it, so you can tell me if I'm crazy or not...I appear to be seeing Big Ogre Umaro in a dress."  
  
"Ah'm so bloo'y Sco'ish me liver is colored wi' me family tartan!"  
  
"But this is Bleys-caliber creepiness." 


	18. Chapter 17

Chapter 17  
  
-----  
  
Trent, Cid, and Arsechimp disembarked at Bone Village. On the way in, Trent finished updating Arsechimp on recent events.  
  
"...So," he was finishing, "We have to find the Lunar Harp to get into the Forgotten Capital...Hopefully we'll find Aeris in time to protect her from whatever Sephy has in mind. Cid should come in handy for finding the Harp. Two of his knights hang out he...Oh, my god."  
  
Cid just nodded. Arsechimp whimpered.  
  
Trent said, "OK, I'm just going to go ahead and say it, so you can tell me if I'm crazy or not...I appear to be seeing Big Ogre Umaro in a dress."  
  
"Sure you don't want a knight or two?" commented Cid dryly.  
  
"You see it too?" asked Trent.  
  
"Sure," reassured Cid, "After a while, you get used to those two. Just don't pay them any mind."  
  
BOU spotted the party and waved.  
  
"Ach!" he shouted, "Come on' o'er here and spli' a haggis wi' me!"  
  
The mage stepped out of a nearby tent and said, "Aye, laddy, bu' I've got tons more haggis than this bum-bailey!" Trent promptly noticed that the mage, too, was wearing a dress.  
  
Trent, Cid, Arsechimp, BOU, and Raistlin sat around a fire.  
  
"I's good ta see ya again, laddy!" shouted BOU, "Bu' wha' brings ya t' this country?"  
  
Cid looked at Trent and said, "I'm not so sure myself. Why don't you explain."  
  
Trent shrugged. "First of all, we need to find something called a Luna--Oh, christ, I can't help it. What's with the dress?"  
  
Raistlin thwacked Trent upside the head with a stick. "I's no' a dress, laddy! Doon't ye knoo a kilt when ye sees one?"  
  
"Och, I'm the most Sco'ish member o' Cid's Knights!" explained BOU, "And doo'nna liss'n ta wha' this feeb o'er here tells ya."  
  
"Wha' are ya talkin' about laddy?" exclaimed Raistlin, "Ah'm so bloo'y Sco'ish me liver is colored wi' me family tartan!"  
  
"And A'hm so bloo'y Sco'ish that e'en me haggis speaks with this ridiculous accent!" retorted BOU.  
  
"A'll spli' a bloo'y haggis upside yer fool head, laddy!"  
  
"Pah! Soo Sco'ish, are ye, laddy? How comes ye canna e'en pronoons' Cleidh Moore prooperly?"  
  
"Och! A' leas' I kin spell i'!"  
  
Cid cut in. "The Lunar Harp, gentlemen?"  
  
"Is i' Sco'ish?" inquired BOU.  
  
"Kuz if i' iin' Sco'ish, i's CRAHP!" Raistlin added.  
  
"It's the most utterly Scottish thing in the whole wide world," said Trent diplomatically.  
  
"SCO'LAND FOREVER!" exhulted the two Knights.  
  
six hours later  
  
"How kin ye claim to be Sco'ish if ye canna e'en smell the most Sco'ish thing in th' woorl'?" asked Raistlin acerbically, "Ye're aboo' as Sco'ish as Teriyaki!"  
  
"Pah! You're aboo' as Sco'ish as the Canadian Beaver!"  
  
"Actually," commented Trent, "That's quite Scottish."  
  
"Silence, laddy!" raged BOU, pointing with his finger all aquiver.  
  
At this point, Arsechimp returned from what the others had assumed to be a pee break.  
  
"Come on," he said, "I've got the harp."  
  
BOU and Raistlin's jaws dropped simultaneously.  
  
"Ye kinna mean tha' this mutt is more Sco'ish than you!" laughed Raistlin, pointing at BOU.  
  
"I donna see you wi' the bloo'y harp, ye rotten slab o' haggis!"  
  
Perhaps there was more, but Trent would never know, because he was running towards the Ancient Forest with all the strength his legs would provide.  
  
Trent lay asleep in an abandoned house in the Forgotten City, having searched for Aeris throughout the day, to no avail. He was so exhausted that he didn't even dream of being Batman. Until:  
  
{Trent,} whispered a voice in his head, {Trent!}  
  
{Just five more minutes, ma,} Trent thought back.  
  
{I'm not your mother, you twit!} Now Trent recognized the voice. It was Aeris.  
  
{Trent,} came the voice again, {I'm pregnant.}  
  
Trent awoke with a start, in a cold sweat. Hasitly, he roused Arsechimp and Cid, who did not want to be awake, and who promised their undying vengeance, but who finally agreed to make one last trip around the city.  
  
In the center of the city, they found a path that had not been there by day.  
  
"Creepy," said Cid.  
  
Arsechimp said, "I never thought to hear that from a guy who could ignore an ogre and a mage, each trying to convince the other that he was the more Scottish one."  
  
"Yeah, BOU and Raistlin are pretty creepy," admitted Cid, "But this is Bleys-caliber creepiness."  
  
A bolt of lightning thrown from the heavens shattered on the protective dome overtop of the Forgotten capital. Cid just shrugged.  
  
"There!" Trent said, pointing, "There she is."  
  
Aeris opened her eyes, saw Trent, and smiled.  
  
There was a rustling from overhead. Trent looked up in time to see the grinning face of Sephy Lee Roth as he leaped from an overhead gallery, his sword held downward, pointed at Aeris's vulnerable back.  
  
"No!" came a voice from nearby, and a second black-cloaked figure leaped at Aeris with his sword extended. The two black-cloaked figures collided with one another, landing on the stone in front of Aeris.  
  
Trent shrugged, "When in Rome...", and he, too, leaped at Aeris with his sword extended, driving the blade into Aeris's chest and out the back.  
  
Cid gasped.  
  
{Oh shit,} thought Trent, {Now look what you've done.}  
  
"Bad Trent!" growled Arsechimp, "No cookie!"  
  
"What the hell did you do that for?" raged Cid.  
  
Sephy laughed and floated away. The second black-cloaked figure just glared at Trent.  
  
"Everyone else was doing it!" protested Trent weakly.  
  
"Trent," gasped Aeris, "You asshole."  
  
"H3y, sh3's st1ll 4l1v3!" said the black-cloaked man.  
  
"Wha? Talk normally!" demanded Cid.  
  
"Oh, sorry," said black-cloak, "It's just something I sorta do for fun. I said, 'Hey, she's still alive'. Hang on a sec, I have a FullCure materia here..."  
  
"Zack?" gasped Aeris incredulously, "I thought you were dead!"  
  
"Jeez," muttered Zack, "Take a short vacation, live amongst moogles for five years with little or no contact with civilization, and all the sudden you're dead. Well, not the zdawg, I tell you!" Finally, Zack finished digging through all of his mimett greens and kuso nuts, and produced the FullCure materia.  
  
(Author's note: You didn't really think I was gonna let Aeris die, did you? Hell, I have a perfect chance to undo ALL of Square's mistakes, not just the ones involving Bare-It having clothes.)  
  
The healing complete, Aeris filled everyone in on what had happened since their parting.  
  
"I WAS able to invoke the White Materia," finished Aeris, "It must have been physically close at the time. Maybe it washed ashore nearby. I don't think it'll be enough, though. We've got to get those pants back from Sephy, fast. Before he calls the Meteor."  
  
  
  
The five people who had gathered at the center of the Forgotten City met up with the rest of Trent's party at the Icicle Village on the northern end of the Northern continent.  
  
"Christ," muttered Trent, "This place is colder than Alberta in December. I'm gonna have to get some long johns." He flagged down a nearby villager. "Hey," he said, "Where's the nearest Robinett's? I need to rent some underwear."  
  
"Robinett's?" replied the villager, "Supply planes come once a month with food and medicine. We have no luxurious Underwear Rental Specialists. Only real men have what it takes to survive in Icicle Village."  
  
"Shit," muttered Trent, "My boys are getting chilly."  
  
"Tell me not about shit!" exclaimed the Inuit, "Here, we waste nothing! See that fire? It burns shit!"  
  
"Too. Much. Information." said Trent, biting off each word like a snack of whale-blubber.  
  
Finally, Trent gathered a snowboard and a map, and started off towards the massive slope that lead off towards Gaea's Cliff. Before he could push off, however, Icicle Village received a visit.  
  
Elena of the Turks challenged Trent, "Damn you! Damn you for what you did to Tseng!"  
  
"Hey, it wasn't me, it was Seph--!", Trent protested, but Elena was already swinging a punch. Hastily, Trent ducked, but when he stood up again, he misjudged his position, and accidentally head-butted Elena between the legs. She doubled over.  
  
"Um, hey, how bad can it be?" asked Trent.  
  
"You son-of-a-bitch!" shouted Elena in a high-pitched voice, "I'M A MAN!"  
  
The two Hair Club guards dropped their rifles and fled. Trent, too, pushed off down the hill on his snowboard, pursued hotly by Zack and Aeris.  
  
Preview of Chapter 18:  
  
"Dammit, Skanker, never talk about a polar bear's nards again, OK?"  
  
"Robinett's brand! These are the awesomest long johns I ever laid eyes on!"  
  
"Aw, ma, I'm busy picking my nose!" 


	19. Chapter 18

Chapter 18  
  
-----  
  
The party regrouped at the Base of Gaea's Cliff, where they found a small hut.  
  
"Shit," exclaimed Bare-It, "Half of my hair must have gone gray on that snowboard ride! Trent, are you crazy?"  
  
"I don't know," replied Trent, "But I do know this: I'M FRICKING COLD! C'mon, let's go into that hut. Maybe we can light it on fire to provide heat."  
  
"You think you're cold?" said Bare-It.  
  
They piled into the hut. Oddly enough, it was occupied, not by a corpscicle, but by a white-cloaked fellow.  
  
"Hey," said Bare-It, "It's the guy from Gongaga! You know, the all-male group hug?"  
  
"Yeah!" exclaimed Tifa, excited, "You're the author of 'All-Male Group Hugs and Other Things I Consider To Be My "Bag"', aren't you?"  
  
The white-cloaked fellow just stared at Tifa's breasts.  
  
"Aren't you?" repeated Tifa.  
  
"Hello?" she added, waving her hands in front of his eyes.  
  
The white-cloaked fellow came back to reality with a start, and said, "Wha-? Oh, sorry, I didn't hear you, I was staring at your br--I mean...um...pondering the meaning of life! Yeah, the meaning of life! That's the ticket!"  
  
"Oh?" replied Tifa icily, "What did you conclude the meaning of life is?"  
  
"I dunno," replied the white-cloaked man, "But barbequed chicken is nice. Especially when you've been living out here in this blighted cold for weeks, eating nothing but dog food."  
  
Cid gestured towards the pantry and said, "That's all that's in that pantry? Dog food?"  
  
The white-cloaked man stared. "I have a pantry?" he said in wonder.  
  
The pantry was stocked to the gills with expensive canned goods and barbeque sauce.  
  
"Wow," said the white-cloaked man, "Wow, wow, WOW! Barbeque sauce...Campbell's soup...pancake mix...Oh, mother of god, there's even JELL-O in here!"  
  
"Skanker," commented Cid dryly, "You're drooling."  
  
The white-cloaked man wiped the drool off of his chin and set off in search of a barbeque.  
  
"He does that a lot," said Cid.  
  
"You know this guy?" asked Trent.  
  
"He's one of my Knights," said Cid, "Plus, I edited his book....Don't tell him that, though. I put some pretty funny stuff in there that he doesn't know about."  
  
An hour later, the white-cloaked man came back, his entire face covered in barbeque sauce. "You guys are the greatest," he said, "I haven't eaten like this in forever! How can I ever thank you?"  
  
"LONG JOHNS," chorused Cid, Trent, Zack, and Vincent together.  
  
"Wussies," muttered Bare-It.  
  
White-cloak disappeared into a second room, and came back with some long johns. "This oughtta do the trick," he said, "I don't know how you guys got this far without good long johns. It's colder than a polar bear's nards out there!"  
  
Cid said, "Dammit, Skanker, never talk about a polar bear's nards again, OK?"  
  
"SWEET!" shouted Trent, "Robinett's brand! These are the awesomest long johns I ever laid eyes on!"  
  
"I just have one problem," said the white-cloaked man, "What am I going to do with all this dog food?"  
  
Arsechimp's ears perked up. "Alpo?" he asked, hopefully.  
  
Fortified by Robinett's long johns, Trent's group set about climbing Gaea's Cliff. It was such a terribly difficult venture that halfway up, they had to pause to take a vote upon whether or not to cut Tifa's breasts off to save weight. Eventually, however, they decided to divest themselves of the lesser burden of Arsechimp's 200 pounds of Alpo.  
  
Near the top, the party was assaulted by what appeared to be a slavering, two-headed beast. However, it was just Mindfart without her make-up, so they proceded on towards the summit.  
  
On the summit, Trent's party made the unwelcome discovery that the mountain they had been climbing was in fact merely the rim of a crater, and they had to climb back down the other face.  
  
"Fux0r," muttered Zack, "T0 th1nk 1 c0uld b3 s133p1ng."  
  
Aeris swatted Zack upside the head with a flapstick. "Speak normally," she reminded him. Zack snatched the flapstick from Aeris and ate it.  
  
At about that time, a massive shadow passed over the party.  
  
"Wh4t th3 fux0r?" exclaimed Zack, forgetting himself.  
  
"That's my airship, the Highwind," stated Cid proudly. Then he did a double-take and examined the airship.  
  
"Oh, my god," he mourned, "They've painted it pink!"  
  
"They?" inquired Zack.  
  
"The Hair Club for Men," answered Cid, "They took my precious airship and painted it pink!"  
  
"Bastards," said Zack.  
  
"They must be after Sephy," said Trent, "C'mon, let's keep going!"  
  
The group pursued black-cloaked Sephy clones through the Whirlwind Maze, where three times, they were forced to pass through what Zack called "Wind-Walls." These were barriers that could only be passed at certain times. If the walls were touched at the wrong time, flying seahorses would be summoned to slay the intruders. Fortunately, Trent's party had swords, so the flying seahorses weren't much of a problem.  
  
Finally, they caught up to Sephy and Jehova near the core of the crater.  
  
"It's time," said Jehova, "Take them down, Sephy."  
  
"Aw, ma, I'm busy picking my nose!"  
  
"And I don't even have a nose to pick, thanks to you!", raged Jehova, "Now do what I say!"  
  
"Yes, mother," answered Sephy sullenly. He shimmered and transformed into a gigantic purple thing, and rushed at the party.  
  
"Ye gods," breathed Bare-It, shooting, "What the devil is that."  
  
"I've seen one of these before," Zack said grimly, "It's a...a..."  
  
"What?" asked Aeris, motherly concern in her voice.  
  
"It's a one-eyed, one-horned flying purple people eater!," sobbed Zack.  
  
"Oh, god," gasped Cid, parrying a blow with the haft of his spear, "It's awful...AWFUL!"  
  
Cid shone that battle; He used his weapon as spear and quarterstaff both, slashing with the sword-like blade of the point, thrusting with the tip, and clubbing and parrying with the haft. The spear was a blur in his hands. It was a truly impressive sight...Until he tripped over the haft and hearly bobittized himself on the wicked, barbed point of the spear. That rather ruined the whole effect, overall.  
  
Finally, the one-eyed one-horned flying purple people eater heaved its dying breath.  
  
"It's not over," said Trent, "I can still feel Sephy. He's near."  
  
Trent rolled the purple people-eater's corpse over and retrieved the Bastardly Productions Trousers.  
  
"Here," he said to Bare-It, handing him the Trousers, "You're the only one I can trust not to put these on."  
  
Bare-It just glared.  
  
Trent, Tifa, and Zack proceded up the path alone.  
  
White light obliterated everything. When the glare cleared, the three of them were standing near the entrance to Nibelheim.  
  
"It's only an illusion," cautioned Trent, "Sephy's trying to throw us off-guard."  
  
As if summoned by his name, Sephy stepped forward, completely ignoring the three of them standing there. He paused, and turned around, laughing...Just like the day of the Nibelheim Massacre.  
  
Two Shinra guards stepped forth. Between them stood not Trent, but Zack.  
  
"What the fux0r?" said Zack (the real one), "But j00 said...fux0r. Can't remember. Before the Moogles, it was."  
  
"It's just an illusion," reassured Trent, "It's not real. Come on, let's go in."  
  
Inside the town, they saw a scene from the following day: Nibelheim in flames.  
  
"Just you watch," said Trent, "It's gonna be just like five years ago...but it won't be me coming out of that manor house."  
  
Sure enough, an image of Zack emerged, sword in hand.  
  
"I know what you're trying to say, Sephy," shouted Trent, "You're saying I wasn't here!"  
  
"Bingo!" exclaimed Sephy, appearing in front of Trent.  
  
"You're fulla shit," continued Trent, "I remember it so clearly...The flames...the anger...the wet-dog smell in the Inn...Those prostitutes by the crossroads. Especially the pros--" Trent broke off, noticing Tifa glaring at him.  
  
"1z n0t wh4t 1 w4nt," sobbed Zack, "411 1 w4nt 1z 4 n1c3 d4rk c4v3 4nd s0m3 kus0 nutz..."  
  
Tifa cracked Zack over the head with a flapstick. "Speak. Normally." she growled.  
  
"Sorry," muttered Zack, munching on the flapstick.  
  
"Shit," growled Bare-It, "What's that sme--"  
  
White light obliterated everything...Then he saw Tifa standing in front of him.  
  
"Bare-It, come on!" she cried, "Trent's in trouble! And Zack's hemorrhoids are acting up!"  
  
"Hemorrhoids?" exclaimed Bare-It, "That's just too much. Too! Damn! MUCH!!!" He charged off towards the center of the crater.  
  
"Don't forget the Trousers," chuckled Tifa after Bare-It's retreating back, morphing back into the form of Sephy Lee Roth.  
  
Gathered at the core of the crater were President Rufus, Tifa, Zack, Trent, Hojo, Heidegger, and Scarlett. Bare-It charged in.  
  
{Now,} thought Trent in a voice that was not his own. He flickered, and abruptly he stood inverted, high overhead, watching his own body far below.  
  
{No,} he thought, {That's not me.}  
  
The Trent-clone slowly approached Bare-It.  
  
"The Trousers," he demanded.  
  
"Sure thing," replied Bare-It, "I was startin' to get uncomfortable, ya know, bein' that close to clothing an' all."  
  
{No, don't do it!} came a thought, which Trent identified as originating from Tifa. Apparently she was frozen as well.  
  
{Wow,} came Zack's thought, {This is a really yummy flapstick. Too bad it'll probably give me severe diarrhea.}  
  
{When you're sittin' in your Chevy and your pants are kinda heavy,} thought Trent back, {Diarrhea! Ch-ch! Diarrhea! When you're slidin' into home, and your pants are fulla foam, diarrhea! Ch-ch! Diarrhea!}  
  
{When you're swimmin' in the ocean and you hear a big explosion, diarrhea! Ch-ch! Diarrhea!} thought Tifa.  
  
Meanwhile, the Trent-clone had recovered the Bastardly Productions Trousers and handed them over to Sephiroth, enclosed in his gelatinous capsule.  
  
{Oops,} thought the real Trent, {Maybe we should have tried to stop him or something.}  
  
{Hindsight is 20/20,} thought Zack.  
  
"We have to evacuate," Rufus was saying to Bare-It, "Grab your friends and let's go...I have a few questions for you once we get out of here.  
  
Bare-It chucked Tifa and Zack over his shoulder and hustled off towards the Highwind.  
  
{Hey guys!} thought Trent, {Aren't you forgetting someone?}  
  
...  
  
...  
  
...  
  
{Oh, damn.}  
  
The Highwind wasn't the only thing flying out of the crater as the Earth's Wound reacted to Sephy's summoning of the Meteor. Through the crashing debris came several gigantic beasts created by the Planet to combat the ill of Jehova: The Weapons. One bloody well near knocked the Highwind out of the sky.  
  
Meanwhile, amidst all that crashing debris, Trent thought some very naughty words.  
  
Preview of Chapter 19:  
  
"My childhood friend is not a set of keys."  
  
"The execution will commence as soon as our Hair Club animators finish drawing stench fumes to superimpose onto the live feed."  
  
"Have any of them actually grown, or do you just have a bunch of dead goats buried in your back yard?" 


	20. Chapter 19

Chapter 19  
  
-----  
  
White light.  
  
{...am I dead?} thought Tifa.  
  
Slowly, her eyes adjusted to the light. The image of Bare-It resolved in her vision.  
  
{Nope,} she thought, {not dead. Bare-It's hardly my idea of an angel.}  
  
--But what if this was Hell?  
  
{Shit.}  
  
"Hey, g'mornin, sleepyhead!" said Bare-It cheerfully, "I was startin' ta think you were dead!"  
  
{Whew, still alive.}  
  
"Aren't you gonna ask?"  
  
{..ask?}  
  
"About him."  
  
{What the hell is he talking about?}  
  
"ALRIGHT," he roared, "I admit it. I forgot to bring Trent!"  
  
Tifa came fully awake. "You what?" she demanded.  
  
"So my memory's not so great. I forget my keys all the time!"  
  
"My childhood friend is not a set of keys."  
  
"Really?"  
  
"Really."  
  
"Are you sure?"  
  
"Positively."  
  
"I guess I should have been more careful with him then."  
  
"You're grounded, Bare-It."  
  
"Awww!"  
  
"You'll be more careful next time, now won't you?"  
  
"Yes'm."  
  
"Where are we, by the way?"  
  
"Junon Military Outpost. We're 'guests' of the Hair Club."  
  
At this point, President Rufus of the Hair Club for Men entered the room, followed by Heidegger.  
  
"Rise and shine!" he said cheerfully, "It's time for your public execution!"  
  
"Execution!" exclaimed Bare-It, "What for?"  
  
"Oh, let's see," said Rufus gleefully, "High treason, terrorist bombings, grand theft airplane, failure to come to a complete stop at a stop sign..."  
  
"Indecent exposure," quipped Heidegger.  
  
Rufus and Heidegger exchanged a "High-five".  
  
"You son-of-a-" growled Bare-It, but he was cut off by Heidegger's laughter.  
  
Tifa scowled at Scarlett's giggling face as the Hair Club soldier finished strapping her into a chair in the gas chamber.  
  
"Prepare yourself for a lingering, painful death!" crowed Scarlett.  
  
"Gas?" asked Tifa, "That's not spectacularly painful."  
  
Scarlett grinned back. "Oh yeah? You know your friend Yuppie? We bottled one of her farts!"  
  
Tifa fainted.  
  
Bare-It scowled as the multiplex theatre screen hummed to life, showing Tifa strapped to a chair.  
  
Scarlett emerged from the room and approached a microphone at the front of the room.  
  
"Testing," she began, then: "The execution will commence as soon as our Hair Club animators finish drawing stench fumes to superimpose onto the live feed."  
  
Klaxons rang, and Heidegger's voice came over the PA system: "Alert! Weapon is en route to our position! All military personnel, battlestations, repeat, battlestations, repe...what? Speak up? Oh. Ahem. I am advised that I don't need to repeat 'battlestations' anymore. Repeat: I am advised that I do not need to repeat 'battlestations' anymore. Repe-" Heidegger's voice was lost to static as Bare-It envisioned a frantic Hair Club technician cutting him off.  
  
The audience chamber was rapidly emptying as Scarlett fumed.  
  
A grossly obese news reporter approached Scarlett. "How do you feel about this most recent development?" the reporter asked in a eunuch-toned voice.  
  
"Eh?" said Scarlett, "You haven't left? I'm impre--"  
  
"Got your wallet!" crowed the reporter, flourishing a pink (that's right, pink) wallet, and tossing it out a nearby window. Scarlett cursed and ran outside, apparently to try and retrieve her wallet.  
  
The reporter started peeling his jacket off. Anybody but Bare-It would have left the room screaming, but Bare-It was accustomed to being around an enormous naked man: himself.  
  
It became quickly apparent that the "reporter" was none other than Cait Sith. He undid Bare-It's handcuffs. Bare-It rushed towards the door where Tifa was being held.  
  
"uNF!" Bare-It cried, "It won't open!"  
  
"Try the handle," Cait Sith suggested.  
  
Bare-It turned the handle. The door swung open on well-oiled hinges.  
  
"Not bad, furball," he said, "I never would have thought of that."  
  
Bare-It unstrapped Tifa's brassie...I mean, hands, and Cait Sith lead the pair off towards the airport, where they were met by Cid.  
  
"C'mon!" shouted Cid, "I stole the Highwind back!"  
  
The group boarded the gigantic airship. As they headed off towards the bridge, Tifa looked around in awe. "You built this?" she asked of Cid.  
  
"Yup," he replied proudly, "With my own two hands and a gigantic government subsidy...not to mention stolen materials, slave labour, and...oh, never mind that boring stuff. Anyway, we dumped the Hair Club people into the drink, and now the Highwind is crewed by--"  
  
"No!" came a voice from the bridge, "I am the best goat farmer in Cid's Knights!"  
  
"Oh, god," moaned Tifa.  
  
"Yeah," said Cid sheepishly, "My Knights are the crew."  
  
They came on the bridge to find the massive Yeti glaring at the wiry mage. "I'll have you know," he began, "I've planted more goats than you'll ever even dream of."  
  
"Oh?" demanded the mage, "Have any of them actually grown, or do you just have a bunch of dead goats buried in your back yard?"  
  
"Dead goats," replied the ogre sheepishly.  
  
"Hah!" shouted the mage triumphantly, "All of the goats I planted last season are growing waist-high!"  
  
Cid just shook his head. "Attention, everybody!" he called, "We are getting ready to depart!"  
  
"Where to?" inquired Zack.  
  
"Let's just get away from Junon before: a) Weapon gets here, or: b) The Hair Club decides to set the Highwind on fire."  
  
"Oh, yeah."  
  
"Destination is a valid question," said Tifa, "We've got to see if we can find Trent."  
  
Arsechimp supplied, "Boogergoblin always said that sometimes the Lifestream seeps up into the cracks of the Earth...I imagine that great cataclysm of rock opened up a few cracks in Trent's sku...I mean, the Earth. Maybe he's at..." the big dog trailed off.  
  
"Yes?" asked Tifa.  
  
"What?" replied Arsechimp.  
  
"You said 'Maybe he's at...' and then stopped."  
  
"Who?"   
  
"TRENT, you numbskull."  
  
"Well, if that's how you're going to be about it, maybe I won't tell."  
  
"Sorry. Please, Arsechimp, we've got to help him. If you know where he is, tell us!"  
  
"I forget," admitted Arsechimp sheepishly.  
  
"Never mind," said Cid. "Tifa, let me show you to the Really Red Ready Room, or just RRRR for short. We don't want to do anything until we're Really Ready...or else just Red, right?"  
  
"Don't practice your alliteration on me," snarled Tifa.  
  
"Sorry." Cid showed her out of the bridge. "There," he said, pointing to a room in the bowels of the airship. He swung the door open to reveal a dark room.  
  
"Dammit, who cut the lights?" demanded Cid. One single spotlight came to life in the center of a room, revealing a dark-haired man wearing a purple mask and a cape.  
  
"I am the Terror," he declaimed, "That flapth in the night!"  
  
"Dammit, RSL," groused Cid, "Get down off the table."  
  
"Aww..."  
  
"And put on some pants!"  
  
"But..."  
  
"No buts, mister! If you've scratched my cedar table, I'm gonna ram this Tube of Evil right up y--" Cid trailed off as he noticed Tifa tugging on his sleeve.  
  
"That's not a Tube of Evil," she pointed out.  
  
"It isn't?" said Cid, peering at the object he had been brandishing.  
  
"That's a flapstick."  
  
The door swung open, clobbering Cid senseless and sending him tumbling to the ground. Zdawg leaped into the room.  
  
"Did someone say flapstick?" he said excitedly. Then: "Nice boxers, man. Here, have some long johns."  
  
Tifa bent over and picked up the flapstick from Cid's flaccid hands, handing it over to Zack. "Say, what's with you and flapsticks?" she inquired.  
  
"Oh, that," said Zack, "I just eat them up so that they don't have any left to sell in the United Kingdom.  
  
"Why do you care what they sell in the UK?"  
  
Zack shuddered. "I just want to prevent a repeat of this," he said, handing Tifa a poster. It read:  
  
Fruity Satsu  
  
in  
  
FLAPSTICK COMEDY  
  
Tifa shuddered. She imagined a sick world in which fruity men stalked the earth, inflicting flapsticks upon the unsuspecting, innocent population...  
  
She was jolted from her reverie by the masked man shouting, "Hey, theeth longjohnth are GREAT! Robinett'th brand!"...and spewing a volume of spit ordinarily associated with camels all over the RRRR.  
  
Preview of Chapter 20:  
  
"Zack, what are you planning to do with that beehive?"   
  
"We've stretched one pint over four days an' I'm still drunker 'anna skunk!"  
  
"You don't suppose he's...reproducing, do you?" 


	21. Chapter 20

Chapter 20  
  
-----  
  
The party held a group council on the bridge when Tifa returned from the RRRR.  
  
"We should start with places we haven't been before," Aeris was saying, "It'll take forever to go over the ground we've already covered."  
  
"I can have some of my Knights visit the taverns around there and keep an ear open for gossip," offered Cid, and several of his Knights (Those who were old enough to drink) broke into a rousing cheer.  
  
Thus it was decided. On one crappy, overcast morning, Tifa, Vincent, and Cid stepped off of the Highwind, and...  
  
SPLASH!  
  
"That's not funny, Bare-It!" raged Cid from the frothy sea below. Giggling, Bare-It threw the soaked trio a rope.  
  
"Try setting us down over land this time," commented Tifa acidly when they were back on board the Highwind.  
  
One more time: Tifa, Vincent and Cid prepared to leave the Highwind, and--  
  
"Zack, what are you planning to do with that beehive?" asked Aeris.  
  
Zack hurriedly hid the beehive down the front of his shorts. "Nothing," he squeaked.  
  
This time, the Highwind was over dry land. The trio stepped towards the gates of a nearby town, and--  
  
"Wait!" cried Yuppie.  
  
"Now what?" expostulated Cid, "How many interruptions can we fit in here?"  
  
"You don't want to go in there," said Yuppie, "It's--"  
  
Two Hair Club guards rushed up, "There they are!"  
  
"Betrayed!" said Cid.  
  
"No," Yuppie said, dashing away, "It wasn't me! It was the one-armed man!"  
  
The trio quickly discovered that Yuppie had stolen most of their materia. Thus, it took nearly a full second to dispose of the Hair Club guards, who were weaker than most of the enemies they had faced in Midgar.  
  
The trio found themselves in the town of "Woo-ta-ta-ta-wooo-ta-ta!", as the natives liked to call it. Vincent said that the Turks had called it "Wootai" for short in the days of yore when Dinosaurs roamed the Earth.  
  
They found Yuppie several times, hiding out, and finally she dashed into the mountains to the north. A native confirmed that there was no way out of the Woo-ta-ta-ta-wooo-ta-ta'an picnic area (referred to ebonically as "Da chow" by the natives), so Cid suggested that they take a break at the local tavern.  
  
--Where they discovered Reno and Rude, utterly plastered, passing a flask of whiskey back and forth.  
  
"I'm glad Bare-It's not he--" started Tifa, but Cid and Vincent had already thrown themselves into the sauce with gusto. "Dammit," she concluded.  
  
A Hair Club guard rushed in. "Reno!" he exclaimed, "Rude! Elena's been kidnapped by--Hey, is that Jack Daniels?"  
  
After the flask had gone around several times, the Hair Club guard explained that Elena and another woman had been kidnapped by Don Cornholio and carried off to Da Chow.  
  
"He's gonna eat 'em?" asked Rude.  
  
Reno burst into raucous laughter.  
  
"Reno!" chided Cid, "That was quite rude of you."  
  
"Naw," guffawed Vincent, "That's Rude over there."  
  
All the men burst into laughter. Tifa just rolled her eyes.  
  
When the laughter subsided, Reno squeaked, "Pipe!" and set everybody off again.  
  
"Pipe!"  
  
"Haw, haw, h...pipe."  
  
four days later...  
  
"Pipe!" exclaimed Tifa, taking a long pull from the flask. More laughter ensued.  
  
"Hey," said Vincent, "Has anny'un elsse noticed th' we haven't refilled this flask yet?"  
  
"Har!" crowed Rude, "We've stretched one pint over four days an' I'm still drunker 'anna skunk!"  
  
"Pipe!" shouted Reno.  
  
"Hey," said Cid, "I just had a disturbing thought. You know four days ago, that guard over there said that Don Cornholio had kidnapped two women, right?"  
  
"So?" said Reno.  
  
"You don't suppose he's...reproducing, do you?"  
  
Everybody sobered up instantly.  
  
The group caught up with Don Cornholio on the knife-edged peaks of Da Chow.  
  
"Say," said Tifa appreciatively, "I like the Hello Kitty motif. Too bad Cait Sith's not here."  
  
"You will bow down before my bunghole!" raged Don Cornholio.  
  
"I'll fill in your bunghole," said Reno dryly.  
  
"Nooooooo!" screamed Cornholio.  
  
"Oh, forgot you're sensitive about that, aren't you?"  
  
"Pipe."  
  
Everybody erupted in laughter. The laughter was finally broken by Yuppie's enraged snarl. Cid glanced over to see Yuppie and Elena suspended over a thousand-foot drop in their underwear. His laughter redoubled. "PIPE!" he shouted, "Pipe, pipe, pipe!"  
  
Cornholio laughed so hard he fell off the edge of the cliff.  
  
"Awww," said Rude sympathetically, "That's too bad."  
  
"Yeah. A shame, really," commiserated Reno.  
  
"Hey!" came Yuppie's enraged shriek, "Are you guys gonna help me, or not?"  
  
"That depends," answered Tifa, "Are you gonna tell us where our Materia is?"  
  
"Why, you...alright," whispered Yuppie brokenly, "It's in a secret compartment behind the Robinett's poster in my house."  
  
"I can't hear you!" taunted Tifa.  
  
"Behind the Robinett's poster!" bawled Yuppie.  
  
"kthxbye." said Cid, and the party strolled away.  
  
"Hey! Hey!" shouted Yuppie, "Somebody get me down!"  
  
"No!" hollered back Tifa, "You annoy the living shit out of us and we don't like you."  
  
(Author's note: Ah, that felt good. Now I have to write an FF8 fic so that I can roast Selphie over a slow fire. Actually, I'd prefer to hang Yuppie by the scrotum, but she doesn't have one.)  
  
  
  
Back on the Highwind, they regrouped. "Did you find Trent?" asked Arsechimp.  
  
"No," answered Vincent, "But we did manage to get rid of Yuppie."  
  
"SCORE!" shouted all of Cid's Knights in unison, except RSL, who thouted "THCORE!" inthtead.  
  
Zack chuckled, "Great! Now all we have to do is cross into FF8 so that we can impale Selphie anally!"  
  
A cheer rose on the bridge of the Highwind, and they lifted off to search elsewhere.  
  
As luck would have it, the next place they searched was where they found Trent. Or perhaps I shouldn't say as luck would have it, since there was only one place they hadn't already been to, and that was Mideel Village, near the south pole (and yet for some reason, quite temperate. On any other world, it would have been colder than a polar bear's tonker at that latitude). Trent was sitting in a makeshift infirmary, dead to the world. Tifa nearly burst into tears at the sight of him, strapped to a wheelchair, and producing a really quite impressive volume of slobber.  
  
"Trent!" she cried.  
  
Trent seemed to recognize his own name. "Hoooome, home on the range!" he crowed, "Where the deer and the antelope plaaaaaaaayyyy!"  
  
"Are you sure you want him back?" inquired Arsechimp.  
  
Trent's head swiveled to bear upon the new voice. "I am Ozymandias, king of kings!" he declaimed, "Look upon my works, ye mighty, and despair!"  
  
"Damn, Trent," cried Tifa, "What's happened to you?"  
  
"We'll find out soon enough," answered Cid, "Here comes the doctor."  
  
As the doctor stepped into the room, Trent exclaimed, "Beware! Beware! His flashing eyes, his floating hair!"  
  
Cid looked at the bald doctor, then back to Trent, then back to the doctor. {He must be talking about himself,} he concluded.  
  
After consulting with the doctor, Tifa elected to remain with Trent, while the others of the party tried to seek out some way of protecting the Planet from the gigantic Meteor Sephy had summoned.  
  
Back on the Highwind, Cait Sith reported that the Hair Club was up to something: They intended to fire something called "huge materia" into the Meteor in the hope that the collision would destroy it.  
  
"Isn't the Meteor approximately the size of the Earth's moon?" inquired Zack.  
  
Aeris nodded.  
  
"Picture this: A couple chunks of materia the size of a human head collide with the moon. Who do you think is going to win this argument?"  
  
"There's no questioning that the Hair Club is very bright," commented Vincent.  
  
All around the table, heads nodded in sage agreement, except for Arsechimp and Cait Sith, since the former was attempting to eat the latter.  
  
"So where is this Huge Materia?" queried Bare-It. Then: "Cait Sith?"  
  
"HELP!" screamed the cat.  
  
"Oh, blow it all," muttered Bare-It. "Arsechimp! Sit!"  
  
Somehow, Arsechimp managed to flip the bird at Bare-It, which was quite an amazing feat for someone with no hands. However, this brief interruption allowed Cait Sith to clamber back atop his stuffed marshmallow man, where he was temporarily safe.  
  
"I don't know where they all are," admitted Cait Sith," But Fort Condor and Corel Village would make good places to start."  
  
"Corel," murmured Bare-It, "Let's start there."  
  
The Highwind's departure from Mideel airspace did not go unnoticed. Beady eyes glittering with hate, a purplish creature the size of a small village watched from the concealment of the wooded area surrounding Mideel Village. When the beast thought it was safe to pursue without being seen, he lifted off on leathery wings, watching the progress of the airship from below and waiting, waiting...  
  
It would have been a very sinister effect if a sudden crosswind hadn't blown him over and caused him to plummet into a Midgar brothel, sending scantily clad women plunging into the crowded streets below, much to the delight of Japanese tourists armed with state-of-the-art Fuji cameras.  
  
Preview of Chapter 21:  
  
"I'm a dog. I'm supposed to like Alpo. You're nothing but a freak."  
  
"Ah, ah, ah, none of your excuses! Now bugger off, and don't come back until you've found the drugs."  
  
"A passed-out druggie who has soiled himself?" 


	22. Chapter 21

Chapter 21  
  
-----  
  
Clocks struck midnight as the Highwind hovered over the Corel Mountains, creeping slowly through the night, manned by a skeleton crew concerned only with not crashing into the mountainside. Deep in the bowels of the airship came a rather disturbing noise.  
  
crunch, crunch, crunch, crunch! scrape, scrape, crunch, crunch, crunch.  
  
click! A light came on, flicked by a red and tufted tail. Arsechimp glowered at Skanker.  
  
"What?" inquired Skanker, which wasn't wise, as this caused incriminating scraps of kibble to tumble out of his mouth.  
  
"I thought you didn't like Alpo," said Arsechimp accusingly.  
  
"Alpo?" inquired Skanker, still bravely trying to retain his dignity, "I don't see any Alpo."  
  
"You see that brown stuff in the dish you're hunched over? That's Alpo."  
  
"Oh, this," said Skanker, "That's just--  
  
"Oh, what's the use," he bawled, "I love the stuff, Arsechimp, love it. There's just nothing else like it in the world!"  
  
Suddenly uncomfortable, the grizzled dog attempted to assume a sympathetic expression. He failed rather miserably. "It's OK," he said, "I know what you're going through. I'm somewhat fond of it myself."  
  
Skanker looked up and said, "Maybe we should start a support group or something."  
  
"Er, no," demurred Arsechimp, "I'm a dog. I'm supposed to like Alpo. You're nothing but a freak."  
  
Skanker burst into tears.  
  
{You handled that well, you fool,} thought Arsechimp.  
  
Cid, Aeris, and Bare-It passed through Corel Village eventlessly and headed straight for the Mako reactor, where, Bare-It reasoned, the Huge Materia would have to have been stored. They had just entered the mouth of the reactor when Cid felt a tugging on his sleeve. It was Aeris.  
  
"Um, Cid," she said, "Please tell me that light up ahead is attached to the hat of a coal miner."  
  
Cid squinted, "Er, it does seem to be getting closer awfully fast, doesn't it?"  
  
"Perhaps the miner is running?"  
  
The argument was settled by the sound of a locomotive's horn followed by some rather intensive swearing. The three party members flattened themselves against a wall, barely missing being splattered all over the tunnel walls by the train.  
  
"There!" shouted Bare-It, pointing, "They're getting away with the Huge Materia! We have to board the train!"  
  
"Bare-It, are you daft?"  
  
"Not according to the voices in my head, no."  
  
"Just checking. OK, we'll jump on three. One...two...three!"  
  
Several seconds passed as railcars went by.  
  
"Say, Bare-It," said Cid, "Do you suppose it would really be so bad if the Hair Club dominated the earth?"  
  
"Y..." Bare-It started, but the sight of the railcars whizzing by gave him second thoughts.  
  
"Maybe if we run really fast we can catch up to it from behind?" suggested Aeris.  
  
The argument was brought to a screeching halt when...well, the train came to a screeching halt. Bare-It, Cid, and Aeris seized the moment to very quietly stow away aboard a rail car. Shortly, the sound of voices drifted through the open door.  
  
"...Eric, you daft bastard," one of the voices was saying, "I told you specifically to make sure you brought the drugs to the front of the train. Now we have to make a complete stop JUST to find the drugs and there's no need of that."  
  
"Sorry," muttered another voice, "It was just so heavy, I thought I'd--"  
  
"Ah, ah, ah, none of your excuses! Now bugger off, and don't come back until you've found the drugs."  
  
Shortly later, Eric found his way into the car in which Aeris, Bare-It, and Cid were hiding. His eyes widened in alarm, until Aeris said, "Um...this is rather embarrassing, but could you direct me to the ladies room?"  
  
It was intended as a joke, but apparently, Eric was none too bright, as he paused for a moment, and then gave directions.  
  
"Um...er, thank you, sir," she said, "Now perhaps you could help those gentlemen over there find my earring?"  
  
Eric promptly started searching through the straw on the floor of the cart...for at least six seconds, during which interval Aeris brought her staff down quite heavily onto the top of his head, rendering him unconscious.  
  
It was only a matter of minutes before the party located the Huge Materia. They stuffed Eric in the chest where the Materia had been and quietly disembarked from the train.  
  
Two days later, at Hair Club HQ...  
  
"...ladies and gentlemen of the Board of Directors," Heidegger was saying, "I give you the weapon that will eradicate the Meteor for us!" With a flourish, he swept the chest open.  
  
"A passed-out druggie who has soiled himself?" asked Rufus, puzzled.  
  
"Er," said Heidegger, thinking quickly, "Yeah! Yeah, this guy's gonna stop Meteor for us."  
  
Heidegger may have thought quickly, but he still wasn't very smart.  
  
"How?" inquired Scarlett.  
  
Heidegger turned to Eric, "Would you care to answer the question?"  
  
Bewildered, Eric dreamily replied, "I'm a boy."  
  
"Look, I know these things," Cait Sith was saying, "The Hair Club is going to attack Fort Condor any minute to get at that Huge Materia."  
  
"How do we know you're not lying?" demanded Cid.  
  
"How do we protect the fort?" asked Aeris.  
  
"How do they get the soft, chewy caramel into a Caramilk bar?" asked Zack.  
  
Every eye on the bridge of the Highwind fell upon Zack.  
  
"Um, sorry," he said.  
  
Lazily, Vincent said, "You know, I think the furball's right about the Hair Club attacking."  
  
"Hm?" asked Cid, "How can you tell?"  
  
Vincent pointed.  
  
"Oh," replied Cid, "I guess the marching army is a rather broad hint, isn't it?"  
  
"Terribly."  
  
"What do you suppose we should do about it?"  
  
"Run away?" suggested Zack, hopefully.  
  
"We could try landing and smashing the army into little itty bits," said Arsechimp.  
  
"Yeah, I'm for that," said Bare-It, "But you must admit, there is rather a lot of them."  
  
"We could try hiring mercenaries," suggested Aeris.  
  
This suggestion was met with much enthusaism, and the entire party pooled their money to support the mercenary operation. They came up with forty-nine cents.  
  
Greg polished his new officer's badge. For once, things were starting to go right. He had the easy job of taking over an undefended Mako reactor, and the prospect of yet another promotion if he was succesful. With a wild yell, he ordered his forces to advance on Fort Condor...  
  
...into a scene out of his nightmares. As a guard, he had been plagued with delusions about being stalked by a nudist Mr. T. These delusions had caused a nervous breakdown, and only months of intensive therapy had enabled him to accept that they were not real, that no large naked men sought his blood. Those delusions had been bad, but at least only one.  
  
Thousands of naked Mr. T clones covered the slopes leading to the Fort Condor reactor, blood-curdling snarls fixed on their faces. Greg paled, and signalled to his senior NCO's. They went into a huddle.  
  
"Is it working?" asked Bare-It anxiously. The cardboard cutouts had been his idea. With any luck, the Hair Club army would see them and flee. Instead, they had started a conference of some sort. At least it was better than a charge. Bare-It had put a lot of work into his cut-outs, and they were very formidable. However, he felt that, mighty as the cutouts were, they may have had difficulty when confronted with, say, hundreds of charging cavalry armed with polearms and wicked barbed swords dripping with death.  
  
"What are they saying?" whispered Cid.  
  
"Shh!" demanded Arsechimp.  
  
{Of course,} Bare-It thought to himself, {Arsechimp's canine hearing should be able to pick up the sounds of the distant converence.}  
  
Arsechimp looked puzzled. "OK, I think I'm mishearing, but I think what their general is saying is, 'oshitoshitoshitoshit we're all going to die'"  
  
Bare-It grinned. He leaped out from behind the boulder the party had been hiding behind and shouted, "CHARGE!"  
  
The Hair Club army scattered in all directions.  
  
Back aboard the Highwind, the party celebrated.  
  
"There's still a Huge Materia at Junon," said Cait Sith, "But right now I think we should go see how Trent and Tifa are doing...Maybe they will be well enough to come help us."  
  
The massive airship turned southward.  
  
Pausing in the act of uttering some rather unsettling reptilian swear words, a huge purple shape set out in pursuit...  
  
Preview of Chapter 22:  
  
"We've got a guy named Alfred who quotes Shakespeare and sings N*Sync"  
  
"Paging Dr. Kevorkian."  
  
"Even beardless, he's the best damn bearded boy this circus has ever had." 


	23. Chapter 22

Chapter 22  
  
-----  
  
Cid, as nominal leader of the group, headed into the mini-hospital. There was litter strewn everywhere, and a cat mewed forlornly in the corner, licking where its nuts used to be.  
  
"Poor bastard," muttered Cid, "Now if they did that to a person, it would be considered a crime. Your owner would be thrown in jail and shit."  
  
Finally, a nurse noticed Cid standing quietly in the waiting room.  
  
"Can I help you, ya geez?" she questioned acidly.  
  
Cid eyed her from head to toe, "I can think of a few ways...but right now, I just want to see Trent."  
  
"Who?"  
  
"Trent. He quotes poetry and sings bad songs."  
  
"We've got a guy named Alfred who quotes Shakespeare and sings N*Sync"  
  
Cid hesitated, "That technically meets the criteria...but does this guy have funky hair?"  
  
"Oh," replied the nurse, "Now I know who you're talking about, and it's not Bald Alfred. Just let me page the doctor."  
  
"OK," replied Cid.  
  
The nurse spoke into a microphone. "Dr. Kevorkian," she said, "Paging Dr. Kevorkian."  
  
Moments later, a gaunt, apefaced doctor entered the chamber.  
  
"Hello," he said, "I'm Dr. Jack Kevorkian. You may remember me from such films as, 'Hey Shit, There's A Train Coming At Your Head' or 'Look Out, Mama, the Cat's Possessed'. I'll be your doctoring host for this evening. I understand you want to have a look at our star exhibit, Mr. Trent Leonard, the Bearded Boy."  
  
"Trent doesn't have a beard," said Cid.  
  
"Technicality," said the doctor, "Even beardless, he's the best damn bearded boy this circus has ever had."  
  
"I thought this was a hospital," protested Cid.  
  
"It's also a circus," answered Dr. Kevorkian.  
  
"Show me the money!" exclaimed Cid.  
  
"I haven't got any," replied the doctor.  
  
"Don't you get dramatically overpaid?" asked Cid.  
  
"Yes," replied Dr. Kevorkian, "but I blow it all on mad drugs."  
  
"Oh," said Cid, "I can sympathize."  
  
Dr. Kevorkian very slowly lead Cid to the room where Trent and Tifa were waiting.  
  
"I've got some crack!" shouted Tifa.  
  
"Great!" said Cid, "Just let me reach for my pipe."  
  
"Mhehe," said Tifa, "Pipe."  
  
Cid burst out laughing. Between gasps for air, he said, "pipe," triggering a whole new round of laughter.  
  
"PIPE!" bellowed Dr. Kevorkian.  
  
"Pipe," answered Trent.  
  
Ah, yes, it was going to be a good night.  
  
  
  
Just when shit couldn't get any better, a tremor struck the earth at Mideel.  
  
"Oh, damn," muttered Dr. Kevorkian, "This happens every damn time I start shouting 'pipe' at the top of my lungs. It must be a magic spell or something."  
  
"Well," said Cid, "It could also be when you shouted, 'mithos luthimon miraval n kakarite sukhos', couldn't it have been?"  
  
"Oh, yeah," replied Dr. Kevorkian, "I do that rather a lot, too...always seems to result in an earthquake as well."  
  
A dropping chunk of mortar brained the nurse.  
  
"Say," suggested Dr. Kevorkian, "do you think we should get out of here?"  
  
"Jolly good idea," said Cid, "I think getting out of here sounds JOLLY good."  
  
Several minutes passed, while chunks of mortar fell from the roof, killing patient after patient.  
  
"Now would be a good time to get out of here, wouldn't it?" suggested Cid.  
  
"Yeah, now sounds pretty good," answered Dr. Kevorkian.  
  
Several minutes passed.  
  
"I can't help but notice that we're still here," said Cid.  
  
"You're right, answered Dr. Kevorkian," Let's get the fuck out of here."   
  
This time, they actually left, leaving Trent and Tifa behind.  
  
Cid hadn't gone far when a giant dragon clawed him upside the head.  
  
"Shit," he said, "It's Ultima Weapon!"  
  
Conveniently, as it usually happens in these adventure stories, help was not far away. Zack and Aeris joined Cid in his battle against Ultima Weapon. A detached observer would have been hard pressed to say whether Zack's sword was a more devastating weapon wielded against the Ultima Weapon, or whether it was Cid's spear. Aeris, on the other hand, just pointed at the Ultima Weapon's penis and giggled.  
  
"It's quite large," she commented.  
  
Finally, however, the enemy Weapon was vanquished. As Cid fled the village, he shouted back to the hospital, "Trent! Tifa! Get the hell out of here!"  
  
"Trent! Tifa! Get the hell out of here!" came the call, and Tifa rose to the occasion. Cid was not the sort to play practical jokes. Well, OK, yes he would, but they usually involved reptiles or loathesome bugs. Tifa grabbed the handlebars of Trent's wheelchair and motored the hell out of there as fast as she could. For dramatic purposes, this wasn't quite fast enough, and she and Trent tumbled into the lifestream.  
  
When Tifa awoke, she was standing on a hovering platform surrounded by nothingness as far as the eye could see...as well as a number of lifesized replicas of Trent. That number was three. There was also an enormous Trent-image floating overhead, but it was twenty times Trent's size, so Tifa discounted the possibility of him being the real Trent.  
  
"Wow," she said, "That's one big mofo. Even his uvula is bigger than I am."  
  
"I didn't even know guys had uvulas," commented one of the Trent clones.  
  
"What's going on?" inquired Tifa.  
  
The clone replied, "We're Trent's memories...in order to save his life, you must help him to remember who he truly is."  
  
"That sounds pretty corny," commented Tifa.  
  
"Agreed," said the clone, "But Bleys was pretty drunk when he thought up that line."  
  
"Bleys?" questioned Tifa, "The guy who runs Bastardly Productions, the site whose current URL is http://bleys.ihateclowns.com/?"  
  
"Perhaps," answered the clone, "I'm not allowed to shamelessly plug http://bleys.ihateclowns.com/"  
  
"That's a shame," said Tifa, "It's a great site. Now, tell me, what's my task here?"  
  
"You must relive Trent's memories in sequence," answered the clone. Start with the scene at Nibelheim."  
  
Tifa went to the northern edge of the platform, which showed an image of Nibelheim.  
  
"Here we are, Trent," she said, "This is our Nibelheim...the Nibelheim of five years ago."  
  
Sephy Lee Roth strode through the gates. He seemed to address his companions, but Tifa couldn't hear what was being said. Two soldiers entered the town, with Trent standing between them.  
  
"No," said Tifa, "I didn't want to say it, hoping that you would turn out to be OK, but you weren't there...Sephy was accompanied by a young and vibrant soldier."  
  
The three soldiers faded away, replaced by two almost identical Shinra guards...and Zack.  
  
"There it is," said Tifa, "You must have formed your memories by listening to mine."  
  
The scene faded away, to be replaced by an image of Tifa's bedroom.  
  
"That...I recognize that day," said Tifa, "It was the day that Mom slipped on a banana peel and fell into a manure wagon, in a comical yet fatal accident. I was unconsolable."  
  
Several children "faded" into the scene, laughing hysterically. The image-Tifa shouted, "Manure," and the kids burst into uncontrollable laughter again."  
  
"Well," admitted Tifa, "Maybe 'unconsolable' wasn't exactly the right word...but it was close!"  
  
"I remember," said the image-Trent, "I wanted you to like me...I followed you into the mountains, even when everyone else had given up...you fell, and I took the heat. You didn't even speak up for me, you daft bitch."  
  
"I was kind of in a coma at the time," said Tifa defensively.  
  
"Excuses," Trent spat.  
  
The scene faded away again, showing the inside of a Shinra vehicle. This was Sephy's unit on their way to Nibelheim to investigate the reactor. Zack was jumping up and down, doing sit-ups, and practice-punching in the air. One of the regular soldiers took his helmet off, and said, "Must you do that?"  
  
That soldier was Trent.  
  
"So you were just a grunt..." breathed Tifa. She turned her attention back to the dream scene.  
  
"...so you see," Zack was saying, "I actually do have to do this. It's part of my callisth--calli--callith...excercises," he finished lamely.  
  
The dream-Trent just scowled.  
  
The dream faded away, showing the Nibelheim reactor. Tifa watched as Sephy lost his mind...as Zack went after him and got his ass kicked...and finally, as Trent confronted the great Sephy Lee Roth and survived. Impaled by Sephy's great Katana, Trent had grabbed hold of the blade as it lodged in his gut, and used it to hurl Sephy into the Lifestream, killing him. Tifa also watched as the Oath between Tifa and Trent at the Well of Nibelheim repeated itself.  
  
Finally, Trent was himself once again...not a real improvement, but at least he was talking semi-normally.  
  
Tifa awoke on a beach, surrounded by the friends she had met since the destruction of the Sector 7 plate.  
  
"Are you OK?" asked Bare-It, "We just managed to pull you out of the lifestream.  
  
Tifa nodded weakly, and Bare-It and the group carried her and Trent back to the Highwind, where they lifted off.  
  
"I be truly sorry," Trent said later in the RRRR. "'Twas not my intention to deceive any o' thee...I first deceived myself."  
  
There was some grumbling, but finally, the group of old friends accepted Trent back into their midst.  
  
It was Cait Sith who broke the self-congratulatory meeting with a reminder of their true mission.  
  
"I think," he said, "that the only remaining Huge Materia is stored at Junon," he said, "We'd better scope it out."  
  
The Highwind begain to fly towards the Hair Club stronghold of Junon.  
  
Preview of Chapter 23:  
  
"Yeah, but they didn't get a free brassiere with their kilts"  
  
"Oops, I'm on break right now. I guess you'll have to fight this rusty, obsolete mech instead. Toodles!"  
  
"Captain, why did we just jettison the privy? I've got to go pee!" 


	24. Chapter 23

Chapter 23  
  
-----  
  
  
  
The grass was bent downwards by the force of rotors and the Highwind gently touched down just outside the town limits of Junon. Trent, Cid, and Bare-It emerged. Cid produced a remote control from his pocket, pointed it at the Highwind and pressed a button. A loud chirp was emitted from the airship.  
  
"Wha...?" inquired Bare-It.  
  
"Anti-theft system," Cid explained  
  
"Um," said Trent, "Don't you think the dozens of armed warriors aboard might deter potential thieves?"  
  
"Well, you never can be too safe--Airships are a luxury item, you know."  
  
"I can't help but notice that you said 'airships', as in plural. How many of them are out there?"  
  
"One," admitted Cid, "But somebody might make another one someday...preferably a female somebody."  
  
"One that weights six hundred pounds and is uglier than a pitbull's rectum?"  
  
"That would be acceptable."  
  
"You're whacked, Cid."  
  
Cid laughed and took another hit from his crackpipe.  
  
Trent pointed. "Pipe!" he shouted...  
  
Having bribed the guard, Trent and company walked down the streets of Junon.  
  
"Hey, wait," said Trent, "I get the nagging feeling I'm forgetting something."  
  
"Your pants." said Cid.  
  
"Hmph," said Bare-It, glaring at Cid, "It's only proper."  
  
"Oh, yeah," said Trent, "There's a clothier's shop right now!"  
  
Ten minutes later, Trent emerged from the clothing store wearing a dress.  
  
"Nice dress, Trent," said Cid.  
  
"Kilt," corrected Trent.  
  
"It's got flowers on," pointed out Bare-It.  
  
"It's a special kilt."  
  
"It's a pretty flowery kilt."  
  
"Lots of men wear kilts,"  
  
"Yeah, but they didn't get a free brassiere with their kilts"  
  
"It's a present for Aeris!"  
  
"Sure it is, Trent. Sure it is."  
  
Several moments passed.  
  
"LAH-DE-DAH!" shouted Bare-It gleefully, swishing an imaginary dre--kilt.  
  
"Go to hell," muttered Trent.  
  
The group reached the entrance to the Hair Club underground complex and followed several signs pointing out the "SEKRIT UNNERWADR REAKTIR" before they ran head-on into an entire squad of Hair Club guards practicing their drill.  
  
"It's Trent!" shouted the sergeant, "ATTACK!"  
  
As a group, the squad charged--away from Trent.  
  
"Idiots," muttered the sergeant, turning to Trent, "Sorry about that...the lamebrains I have to work with today...Let's just say in the OLD days, we would have given you one hell of a fight."  
  
"We can wait," offered Trent.  
  
"Naw," said the sergeant, "It'll take me forever to track the daft buggers down. Thanks for the offer, though."  
  
"Anytime," said Trent.  
  
The group passed the fuming sergeant and entered the reactor area. A dog growled at them, but Bare-It growled back, and the dog started to whimper. They passed unhindered and entered an elevator. There was an attractive elevator operator and two Hair Club guards.  
  
One guard said to the other, "Tell you what--Let's waste these intruders, and whoever survives gets to date the operator."  
  
"Agreed," said the second guard, "But what if we both--"  
  
"Don't even talk about that," shuddered the first.  
  
"--survive," finished the second.  
  
"I TOLD you not to talk about that!" shouted the first guard.  
  
"Can we fight now?" said Trent.  
  
"Just WAIT," said the first guard, "I've got to discuss insubordination with a certain PFC."  
  
The second guard looked nervous.  
  
While this exchange occurred, Cid had been chatting up the elevator operator, and when Trent turned around, he found them making out in the corner. He rolled his eyes...then eyed the guards.  
  
Reno put down a heavy box filled with lead weights.  
  
"Fifteen minutes until break," he sighed, "Why in the hell do we need these weights in a submarine anyways?"  
  
He turned back to his work just in time to see Trent, Cid, and Bare-It enter the room.  
  
"Goddammit," he muttered, then: "Hi guys, long time no see. You may remember me from such films as, 'How Much Wood Can A Pissed-Off Lumberjack Chuck' and 'Twinkle, Twinkle, Steal A Car'. I'll be your combat host for toda--"  
  
Reno's watch went off.  
  
"Oops, I'm on break right now. I guess you'll have to fight this rusty, obsolete mech instead. Toodles!"  
  
As he strolled off, a thought occurred to him.  
  
"Hey," he said, "Was Trent wearing a dress?"  
  
Having trashed the mech and the guards on one of the submarines, Trent and company boarded the sub and began pursuing the sub containing the Huge Materia, which the Hair Club for Men had been kind enough to paint a bright, vibrant red, making it an easy target in a sea populated by things which were mostly green and blue. The sub Trent stole, on the other hand, was a dark purple, blending into its surroundings perfectly.  
  
"Full speed ahead," ordered Trent.  
  
"We're going Flank" said Bare-It.  
  
"So speed up to full!" demanded Trent.  
  
"Flank is faster than full"  
  
"FULL SPEED, I SAY, WE'RE LOSING GROUND!"  
  
"Look at this control panel. Reverse, slow, cruise, full, flank. We're going as fast as we can."  
  
Trent keyed the intercom, "Dammit Cid, I need more speed!"  
  
"The engines canna take this abuse, Captain," expostulated Cid, "An I giyye any more power, the dilithium crystals will rupture!"  
  
"How soon can you rig up something to get me more speed."  
  
"Thirty minutes," replied Cid.  
  
"We've got ten," answered Trent.  
  
"I canna do it in ten, Captain," complained Cid, and then slowed down as though to explain to a retarded child, "I've...got...to...have...thirty minutes"  
  
"There! They're slowing down! They must think they lost us. Fire phasers, Mr. Bare-It!"  
  
"Trent, we've got no phasers. This is a submarine. directed energy weapons would be diffused by the water."  
  
"FOLLOW THE ORDER, Mr. Bare-It!"  
  
Rather than deal with Trent, Bare-It just hit a random button on his control panel.  
  
Cid's voice came over the intercom. "Captain, why did we just jettison the privy? I've got to go pee!"  
  
"Hold it in until we hit a gas station," said Trent, "Bare-It, where are those phasers?"  
  
"Directed energy weapons were diffused by the water," explained Bare-It smugly.  
  
"Dammit man, I'm a doctor, not a marksmith! Fire torpedoes!"  
  
"Torpedoes, we have," said Bare-It, flipping several dip switches and pressing a big red button marked "DANGER, DO NOT PRESS". Four torpedoes slid out of their tubes and slammed into the enemy sub, holing it. It went to the bottom in a matter of seconds.  
  
A voice came over the radio, "Attention all Hair Club vessels, return to base, repeat, return to base."  
  
Before Trent could reach the comms station, Bare-It replied, "Hair Club No. 2 here; Returning to base."  
  
"What do you think you're doing?" raged Trent.  
  
"If we park the sub, they won't know this one's been captured--they won't be looking for us. We can take the keys, and go back for the huge materia at our leisure--and now we've got a submarine as well as the Highwind. While they're scanning the skies, we can slip right underneath their noses."  
  
"Er, oh. Carry on"  
  
"With what?"  
  
"What?"  
  
"You said, 'carry on'. I wasn't doing anything at the time."  
  
"You were frying up supper, weren't you?"  
  
"What do I look like, a French maid?"  
  
"Now that you mention it..."  
  
"Oh, look, we're there! Everybody off the sub!"  
  
Preview of Chapter 24:  
  
"I just wanted to warn you never to put a tabby's hindquarters on your wall."  
  
"Oh, there is no countdown. We've got a tard with a book of matches trying to start the engine up right now."  
  
"Ok, Captain Kirk, can you get us out of the collision course with Meteor?" 


	25. Chapter 24

Chapter 24  
  
-----  
  
Once safely off the sub, Cid suggested that they create a diversion to distract the Hair Club's attention from Junon before going after the sub they'd just sunk. Cait Sith reasoned that since the Hair Club was planning to launch Huge Materia into the Comet, the last one would be on the Rocket in Cid's hometown. Thus it was that Cid, Zack, and Trent entered the rundown hamlet to find it crawling with Hair Club guards.  
  
"Jeez," said Zack, munching idly on a flapstick, "How the devil are we going to get in there?"  
  
"I guess we could try to sneak on through the ventilation system," suggested Cid, "or maybe a fuel pipe."  
  
"PIPE!" roared Trent.  
  
"Mhehe," responded Zack...  
  
Cid walked boldly through the entrance hatch, followed by two men in Hair Club uniforms. One appeared to be a member of RAZOR.  
  
"We're taking over this mission," said Cid, "Skedadle."  
  
The man in the captain's uniform turned around. "Oh, fooey," he said, "I wanted to go into space!" He started to sniffle, and then burst into tears.  
  
"Er," said Cid, feeling rather nasty now, "Maybe I can find some use for you...what skills do you have?"  
  
"Um," sniffled the captain, "I'm a multicelled organism..."  
  
"That's JUST what we're looking for!" exclaimed Cid, "You can tend the navigational system!"  
  
"Yippee!" shouted the captain.  
  
At this point Palmer's face came over the vidcomm system.  
  
"Hello, everybody, Comic Relief department here!"  
  
"What do you want?" asked Cid.  
  
"I just wanted to warn you never to put a tabby's hindquarters on your wall."  
  
"Huh, why?"  
  
"Because that would be a catastrophe! Get it? Cat-ass-trophy! BWAHAHA!"  
  
"That's not funny, Palmer."  
  
"That's what Comic Relief is supposed to do in a comic story. Be very unfunny and not plug the author's website at http://bleys.ihateclowns.com/."  
  
"What did you REALLY call for, Palmer?"  
  
"Oh yeah...just thought I'd warn you that we're launching."  
  
"When does the countdown start?"  
  
"Oh, there is no countdown. We've got a tard with a book of matches trying to start the engine up right now."  
  
A resounding boom filled the room and the rocket began to climb.  
  
"Ta-ta!" shouted Palmer, "And remember that the pun is the lowest form of humor!"  
  
The screen went blank.  
  
Cid turned to the erstwhile Captain. "What does your screen show Captain..."  
  
"Kirk," responded the man.  
  
"Ok, Captain Kirk, can you get us out of the collision course with Meteor?"  
  
"Why?"  
  
"Because it might kinda hurt when we hit, that's why."  
  
"Oh, I'm afraid not...we're locked in by Ground Control. We don't need to worry about the collision, though--this cabin is equipped with an airbag."  
  
Cid rolled his eyes.  
  
Zack opened a side door. "Here," he called, "I found the Huge Materia!"  
  
Cid and Trent followed him in. The materia was surrounded by a forcefield, controlled by a passworded lock.  
  
"How are we to guess the password?" cried Cid in despair.  
  
Trent looked at the keyboard. "It was Palmer who set this up, right?"  
  
"Yeah," replied Cid.  
  
P-I-P-E, keyed in Trent. A buzzer sounded, and a computerized voice sounded, "Incorrect password."  
  
P-U-N, keyed in Trent. Once again the buzzer sounded. "Steee-rike two!" crowed the computerized voice, "One more and YOOOOU'RE OUT!"  
  
Desperate, Trent glanced around the room. His eyes fell on what appeared to be a cat sticking out of the wall, its tail drooping lazily.  
  
C-A-T-A-S-T-R-O-P-H-E, keyed in Trent. This time a chime sounded, and the force shield went down. Trent grabbed the Huge Materia and ran for the escape pods.  
  
Cid called to Captain Kirk, "Um, I think it would be a good idea to leave the rocket now, Captain."  
  
Kirk scoffed, "No faith in the technology, eh, Captain Cid? I'll stay with the ship to the bitter end!"  
  
"You're going to crash into an enormous flaming ball of stone, you know that."  
  
"Airbags," enunciated Kirk clearly, "I have airbags."  
  
"Yeah," muttered Zack, "One's sitting atop your shoulders"  
  
The collision of the Rocket with Meteor was visible everywhere on the Planet. The lightshow was so spectacular that nobody noticed the escape pod carrying our somewhat intrepid heroes back to the planet, in a nice soft touchdown in the Southern Sea. Trent used the PHS to contact the Highwind, and soon they were back at Junon. The people of Junon milled about in despair at the sight of the spectacular failure of the Rocket to destroy Meteor. In the confusion, Cid, Arsechimp, and Trent boarded the Submarine and recovered the last Huge Materia, since the Hair Club sub they had shot was still sitting undisturbed at the bottom of the sea.  
  
"What now," asked Vincent back on the Highwind when it was all done, "We've got to find a way to destroy Meteor and stop Sephy."  
  
"If anybody knows a way," mused Arsechimp slowly, "It would be Grandfather."  
  
Cid ordered the pilot to set a course for Cosmo Canyon.  
  
Preview of Chapter 25:  
  
"Neither dandruff nor global annhilation is particularly 'fun', Boogergoblin."  
  
"We were all pretty drunk at the time, and mad at him for an incident involving a rather large urine stain."  
  
"I think I can, I think I can, I think I can, I think I can BE THE BEST DAMN URINE I CAN BE!" 


	26. Chapter 25

Chapter 25  
  
-----  
  
Trent led Cid and Bare-It into Cosmo Canyon to try to hunt down the elusive Boogergoblin. They found him hovering over a group of tourists, urinating on their heads and laughing.  
  
"Cut that out!" cried the tourists.  
  
"What for?" replied the hovering elder, laughing hysterically.  
  
Eventually, however, even having their heads urinated on couldn't compete with Bare-It for the tourists' attention. His fun spoiled, Boogergoblin floated home, and Trent pursued him, leaving Bare-It to hold the attention of the denizens of Cosmo Canyon.  
  
"Boogergoblin, we have a problem." started Trent.  
  
"Dandruff?"  
  
"N..well, that too, but we've got a slightly bigger one."  
  
"Well, let's take care of the dandruff first, shall we?"  
  
"Um, I really think saving the Planet has priority."  
  
"Nonsense! There's always time to clear up a little dandruff...Here, try this."  
  
Trent accepted a handful of bluish viscous fluid.  
  
"Um...right now?"  
  
"What better time?"  
  
"What about after we deal with the threat of global extermination?"  
  
"Well, where's the fun in that?"  
  
"Neither dandruff nor global annhilation is particularly 'fun', Boogergoblin."  
  
"It's all in your perspective, son...all in your perspective."  
  
"Um, yeah," said Trent, "Look, before we get to that, can I ask you to hold onto this Huge Materia for me? It's getting kind of heavy."  
  
"A big lad like you shouldn't have any trouble carrying around four enormous chunks of crystal the size of a tank!"  
  
"Well, there's also this sword...it's taller than me, and that adds up."  
  
"Oh?"  
  
"Er, it's not that it's heavy...it's just awkward."  
  
"Sure it is."  
  
"Really, if you melted it down or something, I bet I could carry it quite a ways."  
  
"I believe you."  
  
Trent glared at the legless man.  
  
"Look, just take the damn materia."  
  
"OK, but I charge ten gil per hour for babysitting."  
  
"It's not babysitting...it's four inanimate objects."  
  
"OK, five gil."  
  
"Just watch the damn materia!"  
  
"You won't find a better deal than five gil!"  
  
"Boogergoblin!"  
  
"Alright, alright, just get that naked guy out of here."  
  
"Deal."  
  
"That's everything then, is it?"  
  
"Y...No, wait, we have a problem with Sephy."  
  
"What, is it sticking to your fur?"  
  
"I haven't got any fur, Boogergoblin."  
  
"It's sticking to Arsechimp's fur, then?"  
  
"No, we, um...we sorta shaved him."  
  
"Sh...shaved...Arsechimp?"  
  
"We were all pretty drunk at the time, and mad at him for an incident involving a rather large urine stain."  
  
"So...what's Sephy sticking to, if not Arsechimp's fur?"  
  
"It's not a matter of adhesion...I think...Well, Aeris tried to summon the Holy White Magic to combat meteor, but it doesn't seem to be working."  
  
"Was it plugged in?"  
  
"Magic is quite independent of DC voltage."  
  
"Oh, yeah, magic...quite right...Did you check all of the connections?"  
  
"There are no connections."  
  
"Well, I don' t know how the hell I'm supposed to help you, then."  
  
"Well, Aeris tried to invoke the White Materia from a distance, and it didn't seem to work...What we need is to locate the Materia so that we can try it from a shorter distance."  
  
"Where did this summoning take place?"  
  
"In the City of the Ancients."  
  
"What, Camrose?"  
  
"No, no, the city that the Cetra lived in."  
  
"They had lots of cities."  
  
"The capital, numbnuts."  
  
"Yes, well, I guess they only had one of those."  
  
"Why do you want to know where it took place?"  
  
"Just curious, I guess. Want a peanut?"  
  
Trent scattered the peanuts to the floor.  
  
"Well, that was just mean. Why are you being so nasty?"  
  
"I need HELP, Boogergoblin, not a snack."  
  
"Well, why didn't you say so?"  
  
"I did."  
  
"Oh...well, let's go to this Ancient City or whatever."  
  
"You think there'll be a clue there?"  
  
"Well, either a clue or a bar...I don't particularly care which."  
  
***  
  
A thorough investigation of the Forgotten Capital of the Cetra revealed only a very odd-looking crevice that Boogergoblin identified as a keyhole of some sort.  
  
"Yes, yes," said the legless man, "Definitely a keyhole. That or a bee's nest, and I don't see any bees coming out. Find the key to this, and you've found...er...something."  
  
"Unless the White Materia's in there, it really won't do us much good," complained Trent.  
  
"Well, it's all I've got right now."  
  
"Do you have any idea where we could find this key?"  
  
"Well, I always check the pants I wore the previous day...but in this case, it's been missing for quite a long time, and has probably been flushed by now. Check the bottom of the sea."  
  
"The sea bottom has more surface area than the land mass of the planet. We could spend hundreds of years searching and get nowhere."  
  
"Have you got any better ideas?"  
  
"What, like seppuku?"  
  
"Good one...Well, maybe you could just start by searching out the area around here?"  
  
Trent rolled his eyes and departed.  
  
The Highwind rode the skies towards Junon Town, where the stolen Hair Club submarine was moored. Standing on the observation deck were Bare-It and Cid, looking out over the land below.  
  
"Hey, Cid," said Bare-It, "Are you really down here?"  
  
"Yeah, of course," replied Cid, bewildered.  
  
"Well...who's flying the Highwind?"  
  
"Er...The cat thing. Kate Smith?"  
  
"You mean Cait Sith?"  
  
"Yeah, that's the bugger."  
  
"Does he know how to fly it?"  
  
Cid smacked himself on the forehead, "Aw, crap! I knew I was forgetting something! I forgot to teach the daft sod how to actually fly the ship! How'd you figure that out?"  
  
"The ground is getting sorta...close."  
  
"How close?"  
  
"You know how when you're high up and you look at the ground, the people look sort of like ants?"  
  
"Yeah."  
  
"Well, those ARE ants. We're about to hit."  
  
Cid dashed off towards the bridge.  
  
Trent, Zack, Aeris, and Vincent strode purposefully into the Junon Port Area until they were halted by a diminuitive figure in a mask and black cape.  
  
"Halt!" cried the figure, "No admittance!"  
  
"And who are you?" demanded Zack.  
  
"I'm Batman!" replied the figure.  
  
"Hey, score, me too!" answered Trent.  
  
"You're not Batman," scoffed Zack.  
  
"Am too!" shot back Trent and the unidentified figure at the same time.  
  
Zack just rolled his eyes. Growling, Trent burst into song:  
  
Oh zdawg, Oh zdawg, Oh something went wrong!  
  
Your parents were screwing, then you came along!  
  
Your dad took a piss break and went to the bog!  
  
So your mother concluded the task with a dog!  
  
Zack grabbed the figure's mask and ripped it off. "Look!" he said, "It's not Batman, that's just a paper mask!"  
  
"Well, that was rude," replied the diminuitive figure.  
  
"What's your REAL name, kiddo?" demanded Zack condescendingly.  
  
"Well...it's Jackie."  
  
"As in Jackie Chan?" asked Trent  
  
"Well, no, but I do come with Kung-Fu action!"  
  
Zack rolled his eyes again, and Jackie karate-chopped him to the base of the neck, no mean feat, considering that Zack was twice his height.  
  
"Hey, cut that out, you little bugger!" fumed Zack.  
  
Vincent cut in, "Hey, hey, hey, BREAK IT UP, you two!"  
  
Glaring daggers at one another, Jackie and Zackie withdrew.  
  
"And give Zack his wallet back," added Vincent.  
  
The submarine slid gracefully out of port and submerged, headed due north towards the island upon which the Ancient capital resided.  
  
"Waste of time," muttered Trent.  
  
"Trent, I'm picking up some strange echoes on SONAR." said Vincent.  
  
"Probably sea lions mating," grumped Trent, "I guess we'd better investigate...Maybe we can scare them into stopping or something cruel like that."  
  
It wasn't sea lions mating. It was beluga whales. And right behind them was a fissure in the rocks leading underneath the island proper. At the terminus of the cave was a large stone thingy which was the size of Trent.  
  
"Well, maybe we can pass this off as the Key to Boogergoblin," said Zack.  
  
"Yeah, we might as well," said Trent. "All right, pick it up, and reverse course to Junon. I really don't like this sub when there's nothing out there to fire torpedoes at."  
  
Several seconds passed.  
  
"HEY!" exclaimed Trent, "Go back, we can fire torpedoes at those whales!"  
  
When they emerged from the cave, however, the whales were gone. They must have been scared off by the big, green city-sized Weapon that was standing facing the rock wall as though urinating.  
  
Upon closer inspection, it WAS urinating, an activity which seemed quite silly in the light that the Weapon was underwater, and the urine was quickly spreading out, attempting to occupy the entirety of the container in which it resided, which in this case was a rather large intercontinental ocean.  
  
It was the Little Urine That Could.  
  
"I think I can, I think I can, I think I can, I think I can BE THE BEST DAMN URINE I CAN BE!" it was thinking.  
  
Instead of prudently buggering off at a rate of speed ordinarily associated with electromagnetic radiation, Trent ordered, "FIRE ALL TORPEDOES!"  
  
That made the Emerald Weapon quite understandably angry. The nerve of Trent...the NERVE of him! He couldn't even wait until the Weapon was finished having a tinkle, NOOOO, he had to launch torpedoes at the poor bugger! How would YOU like it if you were sitting there, minding your own business, eliminating excess bodily waste, when BANG! four torpedoes slam right into your p'toot. Well, I wouldn't like it at all!  
  
The Weapon took a mighty swipe, sending the submarine sprawling.  
  
"No help for it," said Vincent grimly, "We'll have to go out there and fight it. We can't do any serious damage from here."  
  
The four of them swam out of the cockpit and arrayed themselves in front of the massive beast. Zack produced a purple "Underwater" Materia orb and invoked it, providing a bubble of air in which to fight.  
  
Trent was first up. Knowing he was in for the fight of his life, he equipped X-Magic, Quadra Magic, and MP Turbo materia, linking it to multiple Knights of the Round materia he had obtained by mastering the original. He drew his massive broadsword, aimed it at the Weapon, and uttered his harsh battle cry, "In Purus Naturalibus!"  
  
With all his might, he released all of his magic power through his materia wristband. Eight times the portal between worlds opened, and each time, thirteen mighty warriors struck the massive beast blows which would have slain any other creature on the Earth.  
  
Emerald Weapon didn't show any effect. it would have smiled if it had had teeth.  
  
MP exhausted, Trent slumped to the ground.  
  
Vincent and Zack nodded at one another and split up to charge the beast simultaneously from opposite directions. They charged and slashed, both mighty attacks having no perceptible effect upon the beast.  
  
"Damn," breathed Trent, leaning on his sword, "If only I had a Batarang..."  
  
The Emerald Weapon loomed over Trent, readying itself for a killing blow. A massive claw plunged at Trent--  
  
--And was deflected by the unmistakeable black shape of a Batarang.  
  
"Nobody impales my friend Trent," came the voice of Jackie from the hatch of the submarine.  
  
"The little bugger must have stowed away," growled Zack.  
  
The Caped Crusader leaped at the Emerald Weapon, striking again and again...but alas, his attacks had no more effect on the beast than had Trent's or Zack's or Vincent's.  
  
Aeris rolled her eyes. "You guys are doing this all wrong." She dashed at the massive beast, and brought her staff sharply upwards in between the Emerald Weapon's legs. There was a sickening crack, and the beast collapsed.  
  
"That's not fair," complained Trent, "That's just not done!"  
  
Back upon the Highwind, Aeris offered to fry up the Emerald Weapon's balls for dinner, but most of the predominantly male crew demmurred, claiming that their doctors had asked them to decrease their intake of balls. Zack looked frankly sick at the notion.  
  
"Could you please not discuss what you did to that poor animal in front of me?" he asked plaintively.  
  
"What, you don't like hearing about crushed and fried balls?" asked Aeris sweetly.  
  
Zack groaned.  
  
"Balls, balls, balls!" Aeris chanted, and then began to sing as Zack turned from a healthy pink into a sickly green and dashed away.  
  
"That was fun." she remarked to nobody in particular.  
  
Aeris went alone into the Ancient Capital with the presumptive key to see Boogergoblin.  
  
"Ho, ho, ho!" remarked Boogergoblin.  
  
Aeris snapped, "Stop that! You're not Santa Claus!"  
  
"Awww," complained Boogergoblin.  
  
Aeris just glared.  
  
"Alright, let's try this so-called 'key' of your'n."  
  
Boogergoblin floated over to the "keyhole" and attempted to insert the piece of scud Trent had scalvaged from the muck at the bottom of the sea. To his amazement and Aeris's both, the bugger actually worked! A compartment in the eastern wall opened, and apparently a valve somewhere opened as well, because water came gushing down over the platform in the center of the room, washing over the edge of the platform into the boundless depths below. Boogergoblin rushed directly over to the niche in the western wall.  
  
"Hmm," he said, "Very interesting."  
  
"What is it?" demanded Aeris.  
  
"Porn," answered Boogergoblin, grinning, "Lots and lots of porn."  
  
"Boogergoblin, those women have probably been dead for thousands of years."  
  
"That's fiiine by me," leered the legless man.  
  
Exasperated, Aeris whirled around--  
  
--and saw an image being played in the waterfall, rather like a projection TV, except quite distorted, because the cascading water isn't precisely all that flat. That was OK with Aeris. She wasn't precisely all that flat herself.  
  
"Ah," said Boogergoblin, "That must be the White Materia."  
  
"But it's light green!" protested Aeris.  
  
"That means it's working!"  
  
"You're thinking of Denorex. It tingles when it's working."  
  
"Oh, yeah...So what does the White Materia turning green mean?"  
  
"Probably the same thing."  
  
"So where does that leave us?"  
  
"Holy's not coming, so it must mean it's being blocked. There's only one force strong enough to block primeval magic such as this: The Bastardly Productions Trousers."  
  
"So we've still got to handle Sephy on our own."  
  
"Yeah."  
  
"So it leaves us right back where we started."  
  
Boogergoblin snapped his porn mag shut irritably and growled, "I wish YOU'D leave me back where we started. I'm trying to read here!"  
  
"I wouldn't precisely call that reading."  
  
"Well, you know how reading is an intellectually stimulating activity?"  
  
"Yeah?"  
  
"Well, this is stimulating, too, just in a different way."  
  
Aeris left Boogergoblin in a huff.  
  
When Aeris returned to the Highwind, she found the ship on full alert status.  
  
"What's going on?" she demanded.  
  
"Cait Sith reports that one of these Weapon thingies is attacking Midgar!" shouted Arsechimp, his eyes wide with panic, "That's where Alpo, Inc. is located!"  
  
"DAMN!" shouted Skanker, "Not Alpo, Inc.!"  
  
"It's got to be saved," growled Arsechimp determinedly.  
  
Bare-It poked his head through the door. "Everybody get to the bridge," he bawled, "We're taking off!"  
  
Cid wasn't willing to risk the Highwind in a head-on collision with the great white Diamond Weapon, so Trent, Skanker, and Arsechimp disembarked and stood on the beach, eagerly awaiting the beast's arrival.  
  
When the Diamond Weapon beached, Skanker attacked in a rage, his long-handled battle-axe expressing his extreme disapproval of the threat to the world's supply of Alpo. Unlike the Emerald Weapon, the Diamond Weapon wasn't heavily armored, so each time Skanker's axe struck, it bit deeply into the beast's flesh, leaving a bloody gash.  
  
The Weapon focused it's attention on Skanker, preparing a laser blast that would suffice to wipe the Knight off of the face of the Planet. In order to prevent this, Trent attacked from the opposite side, slashing and stabbing with his great sword.  
  
The Diamond Weapon looked annoyed, but not greatly pained, as it planned a way to kill the little nuisances slicing at its legs.  
  
Arsechimp solved the problem. Leaping mightily, he crashed headlong into the Weapon and bit its nuts off.  
  
Howling in pain and fury, the beast fled in the direction of Midgar. Skanker and Arsechimp set off in pursuit, but they were halted by the distant sound of a massive explosion.  
  
The Weapon looked puzzled, and let off a barrage of energy in the direction of Midgar. Moments later, a Mako-powered shell hit the Weapon directly in the chest, and tore clear through it, launching the now-inert beast into the sea.  
  
"What's going on?" inquired Trent over the PHS.  
  
"It's the Junon Cannon," answered Cait Sith, "It wasn't destroyed--They dismounted it and brought it to Midgar so that it could be enhanced by firing Mako powered shells instead of conventional ordinance. It appears to have been a most effective tactic.  
  
Trent rushed back to the Highwind and went straight to the bridge, wondering where to go next.  
  
"Trent!" called Cid, as soon as Trent came through the double-doors leading into the Bridge area. "You've got to see this...It appears that the Weapon wasn't the cannon's only target." He pointed at a viewscreen. "This is a satellite image we have of the northern crater. Look right here."  
  
Trent squinted at the area Cid indicated. It appeared to be a point of light in the distance, getting closer and closer.  
  
After a moment, the point of light slammed into the energy dome surrounding the Northern Crater, obliterating it in a show of light and fury.  
  
"Here," indicated Vincent, "This was recording at the same time." He showed a video showing an aerial view of Midgar. Energy pulses fired by the Diamond Weapon slammed into the uppermost tower of the Hair Club building.  
  
Cait Sith said, "That's where Rufus would have been. Poor bastard...But I've got worse news. I tried to take control of the Company in Rufus's absence, but was overthrown by Heidegger and Scarlett...I'm locked in Detention right now."  
  
"Can you brief us on the situation?" inquired Bare-It.  
  
"It's ironic that you should say that," snickered Trent, "Since you're not wearing any briefs."  
  
Cait Sith rolled his beady little kitty eyes and said, "The blast of the Mako Cannon may have eliminated the barrier surrounding the Northern Crater, but it seems to have strengthened Sephy in some way. Hojo's gone completely mad...He's locked off several key valves on the Cannon, preventing power from being choked off from it. He wants to send Sephy MORE energy, for some reason. A bigger problem is that his method's going to cause all of the reactors in Midgar to go critical--The explosion will kill EVERYONE in the city!"  
  
Bare-It groaned, "Wait, let me guess who it's up to to stop him."  
  
Preview of Chapter 26:  
  
"I faht in yer general direction! Yer mather was a 'amster, and yer father smelt of elderberries!"  
  
"That stuff smells worse than Bare-It's meatloaf."  
  
"And I suppose now you're an expert on what makes enormous clods of excrement feel good, now are you?" 


	27. Chapter 26

Chapter 26  
  
-----  
  
The crew of the Highwind stood on the observation deck and groaned.  
  
"Look at all that security," complained Bare-It, "How the hell are we supposed to get through THOSE gates?"  
  
It was Cid who found the solution. "Hey, look, are we under attack right now?"  
  
"Of course not," replied Arsechimp, "What's your point?"  
  
"These pissants don't look up! Why don't we just jump down from here?"  
  
"Simple," replied Bare-It, "We'd go splat. It would probably be rather painful."  
  
"Maybe not," replied Trent, "Remember back in Midgar, how I fell hundreds of feet from the Number 5 reactor into the church where Aeris was hanging out and wasn't seriously injured?"  
  
"Wh...How'd you do that?" demanded Bare-It.  
  
"I think it's because I'm a major character in the story. It wouldn't do for me to go kersplat right at the beginning. It would make for a short and depressing story. Major characters, you see, have invisible parachutes. If we jump, we should be OK."  
  
"Oh," said Bare-It, "Well, if you say it, it must be true."  
  
"Exactly," replied Trent, "So let's go."  
  
"LIKE HELL!" thundered Bare-It, "You're the psychotic one."  
  
"OK, if you say so," said Trent, sounding defeated.  
  
When Bare-It relaxed, Trent pushed him over the edge.  
  
Trent turned out to be right. On the way down, the party's descent slowed noticeably. What Bare-It thought of the trip was apparent in the rain of urine descending rather quickly towards the unsuspecting citizenry of Midgar. Skanker and Arsechimp appeared to be having a lot of fun, tossing a bag of Alpo back and forth between them.  
  
When Trent touched down, he did a victory dance. Long ago, Bare-It had informed him that when he got a touch down, he was required by law to do a victory dance. The dance, however, caused him to go careening into a diminuitive form.  
  
"Tallist swine!" raged the figure, "You will perish before the might of the Great Midget Rebellion!"  
  
"Oh, crap," said Bare-It, "That's Sam Shorty. Be careful, he goes for the b--"  
  
Trent was already dodging the midget's viscious bite. (Author's note: Think where a midget's teeth line up with on an average guy....*shudder*)  
  
His face grim, Trent cast Ultima on the midget. Sam Shorty vaporized satisfactorily.  
  
But it wasn't over...Little chunks of Sammy skidded across the floor, appeared to melt, and flowed back to where he had been standing a moment before. The Sammy-globs clumped together and resolved into the shape of the indestructible midget.  
  
"RUN AWAY!" exclaimed Bare-It, and Trent was all too happy to oblige.  
  
"I don' wanna talk to yew!" exclaimed Sammy, "I faht in yer general direction! Yer mather was a 'amster, and yer father smelt of elderberries!"  
  
Trent tore off like the hounds of hell were at his heels, but then realized that it wasn't the hounds of hell chasing him, it was Sam Shorty, so he ran faster.  
  
The party regrouped at a hatch that Cait Sith reported led into the sewer.  
  
"Eww," complained Trent, "We don't want to go into the sewer, do we?"  
  
"Would you rather wait for Sammy to catch up?" inquired Aeris.  
  
Trent decided to go into the sewer after all.  
  
"Wait," said Bare-It, "If we keep this up, we'll have to fight Sam Shorty and Hojo at the same time--3 should be enough to take on Howard Johnson--The rest of us can stay behind and stall Sam Shorty by pretending to be sympathetic to his cause.  
  
"You're a brave man, Bare-It," complimented Trent. "Vincent, Arsechimp, you're with me."  
  
They hadn't gone far when they ran into Rude taking a leak.  
  
"Hey!" exclaimed the bald man, "Could you at least knock?"  
  
"Well, actually," said Trent, "There's no door here."  
  
"Oh...well, that's OK then. Hey, aren't you the guy who fed us the 'shrooms?"  
  
"Er, yeah," admitted Trent.  
  
"Alright! Batman, old buddy! Do you have some more?"  
  
At this point Elena came dashing up with Reno in tow.  
  
"There they are!" exclaimed Elena, "We have orders to kill them!"  
  
"Aww, come on!" whined Trent.  
  
"Orders are orders," apologized Elena.  
  
"I'll give you a cookie."  
  
"No go."  
  
"Damn...Hey, what about more 'shrooms! You can have more 'shrooms if you let us go!"  
  
Rude looked tempted, but Elena shook her head no, eliciting a glare from the bald Turk.  
  
Inspiration struck Trent. "PIPE!" he bellowed, and made his escape as the three Turks collapsed in helpless laughter.  
  
Trent, Arsechimp, and Vincent finally crawled out of the sewer, wrinkling their noses in disgust.  
  
"Gods," complained Vincent, "That stuff smells worse than Bare-It's meatloaf."  
  
"Vincent..." said Arsechimp.  
  
"What?"  
  
"Don't you think that you're exaggerating just a LITTLE?"  
  
"Well...maybe just a little."  
  
"I'd say a lot, actually. I'd rather live down there all the time than have to eat Bare-It's meatloaf."  
  
Their conversation was interrupted by what appeared to be a gigantic robotic turd. That's right, a robot turd.  
  
A cluster of what appeared to be corn moved, revealing itself to be a hatch. Heidegger and Scarlett the Harlot stepped out, each doing their best to laugh in a manner more irritating than the other.  
  
"Ah, Trent!" bellowed Heidegger, "So good to see you! Now, it's time for you to meet your death at the hands of PROUD CLOD!"  
  
"Well, you've certainly got the clod part right," commented Arsechimp, "But what has it got to be proud of?"  
  
"Oh," mocked Scarlett the Harlot, "And I suppose now you're an expert on what makes enormous clods of excrement feel good, now are you? How many enormous clods of excrement do YOU know?"  
  
"Counting you?" countered Arsechimp.  
  
"That does it, puppy dog. It's time to put you to pasture!"  
  
The hatch closed and the robot turd lurched into action, firing a powerful 1.2 megaskunk stink ray into the party. However, accustomed as they were to Bare-It's meatloaf, the ray had very little effect.  
  
Trent launched himself into action, dashing into a nearby restroom. He quickly opened a toilet stall and flushed three times. "Shitman," he chanted, "Hear my call!"  
  
A gurgling came from deep within the flush. "You in trouble, lil' buddy?" inquired a voice in a slight British accent as a man-shape formed entirely out of excrement flowed out of the toilet.  
  
Hastily, Trent pointed at the Proud Clod, "Look," he said, "It's blasphemy--A robotic turd!"  
  
"Ain't that a poopah!" said Shitman, "I'll show it how a REAL poo-poo monkey fights!" With that, Shitman barrelled into the Proud Clod. The Clod faught valiantly, but it was no match for the superior experience of the Fecal Lord of Bloodlust Software.  
  
"This isn't over," came the Harlot's shrill voice from within. "Meet our secret weapon--Lysol disenfectant!"  
  
"Oh, no!" exclaimed Vincent in dismay, "That's Shitman's weakness!"  
  
Shitman wasn't finished, though. He reached into his bag and produced a strange Brown materia...It quickly became apparent that it was a summon materia, because Shitman exclaimed "Shitty-kitty", and disappeared, to be replaced with a very large housecat composed out of human doo. Shitty-kitty barreled into the Clod, upsetting electronics and throwing the vomitometer off balance. As soon as it showed up, the Shitty-kitty disappeared into the dimensional void from which it and other summoned monsters came.  
  
"Ah'm glad you called me," said Shitman, "A monstrosity like that gives poo a bad name. Here. Take the Shitty-Kitty materia. It will serve you well."  
  
With that, the Shitman was gone, back into the commode from whence he sprang.  
  
"You know Shitman?" inquired Vincent, awestruck.  
  
"Of course," replied Trent.  
  
Palmer's voice came over an intercom. "Not doing advertisements is my job, so I'd better not tell you that you can get on the Ask Shitman advice column by emailing 'bloodlust@zophar.net' with 'dear shitman' as the subject line!"  
  
"PISS OFF, PALMER!" exclaimed Trent, Vincent, and Arsechimp in unison.  
  
Finally, the three Amigos found their way into the control center in which Howard Johnson was beaming energy to Sephy at the Northern Crater.  
  
"It's over, HoJo," called Arsechimp, "I've got a score to settle with you..."  
  
"Wh...?" said HoJo, "What happened to Heidegger and Har..I mean, Scarlett?"  
  
"Dead," snapped Vincent, "At the hands of Shitty-Kitty!"  
  
HoJo gaped.  
  
"Cut off the energy transfer," commanded Trent, "This is the end of the line."  
  
"Oh, no," replied Hojo, "I'm afraid I can't do that. My son is counting on me."  
  
"YOUR SON?" exclaimed all three of Trent's group in shock.  
  
"Ah, yes, didn't you know? Anything that he can do, so can I...I've injected myself with Jehova cells...You know what they say, Trent. Like father, like son. You were correct in saying that it's the end of the line--for you!"  
  
HoJo hurled himself at Trent, spewing fire. The swordsman drew his sword and met HoJo's attack head on, managing to cut a deep gash in HoJo's belly.  
  
"Good," commented the mad scientist, "But not good enough." HoJo changed form, into a bigger and badder version.  
  
Before HoJo could react, Trent, Arsechimp, and Vincent attacked in unison. Trent slashed at HoJo's left flank, Arsechimp bit at his groin, and Vincent fired off a round at his head. Dazed, HoJo went down.  
  
"It's not enough," gasped HoJo, "You still have only seven days before Meteor strikes...and my son...becomes a god."  
  
"We may only have seven days," said Trent, "But you have perhaps seven seconds. Can I offer you a coke?"  
  
HoJo glared white-hot hatred at Trent for a moment, and then his eyes rolled back in his head, and his breathing came to a gentle halt. So Trent poured Coke all over the corpse.  
  
"Let's get out of here," he said.  
  
Back at the Highwind, the party had some hard decisions to make.  
  
"We've only got seven more days before disaster strikes. Some of you will wish to spend these last days with loved ones and such...I understand that. But I'm going after Sephy. It only means I'll die a couple of days sooner than everybody else. I leave three days hence. The rest of you, I want you to get off the airship and go home...In three days, if you still want to come, you're welcome...I can use all the help I can get."  
  
Faces grim, the party that Trent had come to know left, trailed by the few of Cid's Knights who had come along to crew the Highwind.  
  
Cid was the last to leave, complaining that he was being kicked off of his own ship.  
  
"I'm sorry, Cid, but I need it to get to Sephy. Nobody else is going to try to stop him--My mission is literally the most important thing in the world right now, and it can't happen without the ship. Goodbye."  
  
Reluctantly, Cid started to disembark the Highwind.  
  
"Wait!" called Trent.  
  
Cid's head came up hopefully. "Yes?" he said, "What is it?"  
  
"Your fly is open, numbnuts."  
  
Trent stood alone on the shore near Midgar, with the Highwind hovering overhead. He was trying to remember how everybody had gotten off the ship without it landing first. More importantly, he was trying to figure out how to get back on when the time came to fight Sephy.  
  
He was just about to try jumping again when the sound of footsteps caught his attention. It was Tifa and Aeris.  
  
"I thought I told you all to go."  
  
"I've got nowhere else to go," said Tifa, "I lost it all when Sector 7 was destroyed..."  
  
"My entire species is dead," said Aeris, "Right now, protecting the Planet is all I've got...Protecting the planet...and..."  
  
"Yes?" prompted Trent.  
  
A glance passed between Tifa and Aeris. "Never mind," said Tifa.  
  
Trent shrugged.  
  
Once again, he was presented with the same tired old dilemma...Two lovely ladies, and he couldn't choose between them. Aeris's heartwarmingly emerald eyes beckoned, as did Tifa's mammoth-sized you-knows. Both women were looking expectantly at Trent.  
  
He made his decision.  
  
One Hour Later  
  
"That's not even a word, Trent," complained Aeris.  
  
"It is too!"  
  
"Tifa, tell him he can't put 'itadakaresaseraretara' on a triple word score!"  
  
"Is that a word, Trent?"  
  
"It is, in Japanese. It means a potential, passive, causative, way of saying "if something were given"  
  
"Can you use that in a sentence?"  
  
"I don't speak Japanese."  
  
"Well, then you can't put it on a triple word score."  
  
"Scrabble sucks."  
  
Three Days Later  
  
Trent, Tifa, and Aeris walked the empty underdeck of the Highwind.  
  
"Hey," said Trent, "How'd we get on the Highwind when it was floating hundreds of feet above us?"  
  
"Damn," said Tifa, "I can't remember!"  
  
"Buggerit, Trent, I forgot! Don't remind me of these stupid little brain teasers!" growled Aeris.  
  
"It's sort of depressing," said Tifa, "Seeing the Highwind this empty."  
  
As she began to open the doors to the bridge, she said, "At least it'll be private enough to have lots of se--"  
  
Tifa broke off abruptly as all of Cid's Knights and the other party members shouted, "SURPRISE!" and blew marine air horns.  
  
Trent's eyes were wide, "You all came back!"  
  
"We loves ya, Trent," said Bare-It, "We couldn't leave you."  
  
"Good to have you back, Trent," said Vincent.  
  
"Welcome home," called Cait Sith.  
  
"j00 r0x0rz!" exclaimed Zack.  
  
"That stain over there is just some spilled cider," said Arsechimp.  
  
"Alright," said Trent with determination in his eyes. "Sephy Lee Roth, here we come."  
  
He strode into the middle of the bridge.  
  
"Mr. Sulu, plot a course for the Northern Crater. Scotty, give us maximum warp."  
  
Raistlin looked up from the helm.  
  
"Trent," he said, "This isn't Star Trek."  
  
Preview of Chapter 27:  
  
"Listen up: Nobody is going to stone ANYBODY until I say so! Even if they do say 'Jehova'!"  
  
"I can't STAND this any longer! SOMEBODY pay attention to me!"  
  
"Boot to the head!" 


	28. Final Chapter

Final Chapter  
  
-----  
  
"That is one big-ass hole," breathed Bare-It in awe.  
  
"Yeah," said Tifa, "And this pit's pretty deep, too."  
  
With Cid's Knights remaing aboard the Highwind in case there was a need for a fast escape, Trent and Company descended carefully into the deep spiral pit that was the Northern Crater. The Crater, Trent realized, that was the Promised Land--A boundless source of Mako. And Sephy was in it, with the Bastardly Productions Trousers. Trent shuddered at the thought.  
  
Cid noticed the shudder. "I see you've been made aware of Raistlin and BOU's latest contest," he commented.  
  
Trent hadn't, but now he couldn't get the thought out of his mind. He shuddered again.  
  
Bare-It walked through Trent's field of view and he shuddered again.  
  
Arsechimp started to--  
  
"Arsechimp, stop that!"  
  
"Sorry."  
  
Two-thirds of the way down the spiral, one of the party members tripped an alarm. There was an awful howling and great iron giants started bursting out of the walls like the Kool-Aid man on crack.  
  
"RUN!" shouted Bare-It. The party ran.  
  
Only minutes later, everybody was huffing and puffing.  
  
"Er," commented Arsechimp, "I can't help but notice that those giants we're running from appear to be playing Cricket instead of pursuing."  
  
Trent looked back. The dog was right.  
  
"Who's winning?"  
  
Bare-It checked his pulse.  
  
"We are, I think...Since they're not over here."  
  
At long last, the party reached the bottom of the crater.  
  
And waited.  
  
And waited.  
  
And waited.  
  
"Well," said Bare-It, "I can't help but notice that nothing's happeni--!"  
  
"BOO! HAPPY NEW YEAR!" shouted a voice...a voice emanating from the place where a head should have been. It was Jehova.  
  
A stone whistled through the air where Jehova's head would have been if it still existed.  
  
Trent whirled. "All right, who threw that!"  
  
Eight abashed faces looked back at him.  
  
"Listen up: Nobody is going to stone ANYBODY until I say so! Even if they do say 'Jehova'!"  
  
A rock whizzed by Trent's head. "I saw that!" shouted Zack, "It was Cait Sith! It was him all along!"  
  
"Nuh-Uh," said Cait Sith, "You threw the first one!"  
  
Jehova's claws raked across Trent's back, "I can't STAND this any longer!" she raged, "SOMEBODY pay attention to me!"  
  
Aeris and Arsechimp were at a loss--Their favorite spot to attack simply wasn't THERE on Jehova. Bare-It was quicker on the draw. He fired several rounds into the headless naked chick...but they appeared to have no discernable effect.  
  
"What have you learned, my son?" asked Jehova.  
  
"DAMMIT!" swore Bare-It.  
  
"Not good enough," said Jehova, "Boot to the head."  
  
THWACK!  
  
"Hey! You booted me in the head!"  
  
Jehova tried to nod.  
  
"I wasn't ready! Try that again, you headless bi--"  
  
"Boot to the head."  
  
THWACK!  
  
"Dammit, you're lucky you don't have a head for me to b--"  
  
"Boot to the head"  
  
THWACK!  
  
(Author's note: If you've enjoyed this segment, pick up the Frantics' album 'Boot to the Head'...NYEAH NYEAH!)  
  
Trent drew his sword and mightily attempted to cut off Jehova's head.  
  
"Oops," he said, "I forgot."  
  
"Boot to the head."  
  
THWACK!  
  
(Author's note: Sorry. That was the last time, I promise)  
  
Trent fell back, dazed. Zack rushed at Jehova. "Boot to the head!"  
  
SWISH!  
  
"You missed," said Jehova, "Boot to the head."  
  
THWACK!  
  
(Author's note: I really mean it this time. No more booting of heads.)  
  
It was Vincent who finally broke the impasse.  
  
"Aw, let's leave poor Jehova alone," he said, "She's just trying to get ahead."  
  
"Not funny, little man."  
  
"Terribly sorry, ma'am. I suppose I got a little heady there for a bit."  
  
"You're only making it worse for yourself."  
  
"What, you think you can threaten me?"  
  
"Yes, mortal, I can bloody well threaten you."  
  
"My my, what a big head you ha--never mind."  
  
Jehova shrieked in frustration.  
  
"Be right back," Vincent said, "I have to use the head."  
  
Jehova exploded.  
  
"By the way," he concluded, "I love what you've done with your hair."  
  
"C'mon," urged Trent, "Jehova won't stay blown up for long. I'm amazed that with her regenerative powers, she hasn't grown a new head by now."  
  
"Stop right there," came a new, familiar voice. It was Sephy Lee Roth.  
  
Sephy made an impressive figure, hovering overhead, larger-than-life, with one daemon-black wing protruding from his back. His eyes were like orbs of cyan fire, glaring hate down upon the party like the inexorable fall of meteor itself.  
  
"Prepare yourself," he sneered, "for the void!"  
  
With a flourish, Sephy hit the PLAY button on the remote control to the bitchin' sound system installed at the bottom of the Crater.  
  
"Go, go, greased lighting..." blared the speakers.  
  
"Er, oops," stammered Sephy, "Ma must've been listening to that. Let's try disc five."  
  
"Sunshine, lolly-pops and--"  
  
"AAARGH!" raged Sephy, clicking at his remote again.  
  
"Skinamarinky-dinky-dink..." trilled Sharon, Lois, and Bram.  
  
"IT'S NOT FAIR," wailed Sephy, slamming at the remote once again.  
  
This time it worked. The haunting tones of "One Winged Angel" began to emanate from the stereo.  
  
"I don't suppose that you can forget about that little gaffe and go back to being impressed?" suggested Sephy sheepishly.  
  
Trent's answer came out of his sheath.  
  
* * *  
  
Sweat poured down the brows of the party members, but it was over. They watched Sephy's form disintegrate after a minute-long battle that had seemed like hours. Had unexpected help not come in the form of Zack's moogle friends, Sephy would have crushed them all. Exhausted, the party members began to return to the Highwind.  
  
The stone underfoot began to break away. A rift opened up between Trent and the rest of the Party. He reached out to them, but the split was too wide to jump, let alone reach across. Dejected, Trent turned around.  
  
In front of him was Sephy Lee Roth.  
  
Not the one-winged archangel they'd just fought, but the man Trent remembered from five years ago. Two legs, two arms, one head...Yup, just plain ol' Sephy. Alive. This wasn't over yet.  
  
Sephy stood barechested, wearing the Bastardly Productions Trousers, with Masamune at the ready. Trent drew Ultima Weapon, and "centered" himself, upon a balance point, the center of his spirit; achieved kioshizumeru, and then launched himself like an arrow at Sephy.  
  
The battle they fought wasn't merely physical. Sephy drew on the Trousers and Jehova to lay waste to the surrounding countryside with massive bursts of magic, flailing madly to reach Trent. Trent felt the center of his ki, his spirit, and felt an answering power coming from Zack's pouch. He blocked Sephy's thrusts; protected himself, his friends, and most major population centers.  
  
He couldn't protect everywhere. The amounts of magical energy drawn by Sephy were too great. Trent felt, rather than saw, a massive bolt of energy smash the top off of the Hair Club building in Midgar; felt Round Island sink into the sea; heard the anguish of the goblins as their islands, too, were riven.  
  
There was a brief respite, as Sephy prepared his most devastating attack yet. Trent looked overhead, and saw red streaks coming off of Meteor, into Sephy's open palm.  
  
"Fool," panted Sephy, "Did Boogergoblin teach you nothing? An astral body cannot exist without a lifestream. Meteor is an object of destruction because its lifestream is composed of the souls of everybody who failed, destroying everything they tried to protect. They failed...and so will you!" Sephy hurled the red energy at Trent.  
  
Magic closed around Trent's heart like a fist. He didn't just see, but he was King Arthur, condemning Guinevere to burn at the stake for her affair with Lancelot du Lac; felt Arthur's despair. He was Kevin Landwaster, in the moments after the Ritual of Desecration, when he realized that the Land was ravaged, and the Despiser lived. He was Orion, fearing Anya dead. Hari Seldon, upon his determination of the Galaxy's doom. He was Beechen on the dark rocks of Whern, and Lews Therin, slaying his wife and children.  
  
Trent wasn't the only one affected. He felt Zack's decision to leap into the rift. Felt the moogles try to stop him, only to be pulled into the rift themselves. He felt the despair of Priscilla, of Shera, of Zack's parents. Kioshizumeru started slipping away...  
  
Zack's magically-generated despair didn't last long, as he drew further away from its source in Sephy, and retained his proximity to his pouch. He realized that he didn't want to die after all, as he plummeted into a boundless deep, drawing his Moogle friends with him. They flapped their vestigial wings uselessly. As he saw the ground rushing up at him, he decided to check his pouch, find out what was the source of this mysterious energy.  
  
The white globe he'd found at Corel Prison was glowing a soft green...  
  
The approach of the ground slowed, and halted. Zack started going upwards again. He saw rivulets of soft green reaching from the orb to the wings of the Moogles supporting him, causing them to expand, until they could support Zack's weight, and drew him ever so slowly upwards.  
  
Trent fell to his knees in weakness. He could feel Sephy's triumph. He heard the whoosh of Masamune preparing to take his head, when the voices of his despair solidified, spoke with one unified voice  
  
{Redeem us}  
  
Trent now felt other memories coming from the lifestream of Meteor, the things that the souls of the dead had fought to preserve. The green vales of Camelot, the hills of Andelain, the fireless people of the Earth's first dark winter. He saw Trantor in its glory, and the Stones of Avebury, and the proud Hall of the Servants  
  
{It's not over,} came the voice of Kevin Landwaster, {I went to desecration to save the Land from Despite. Despair leads to failure. Succeed, and all is well. Succeed here, and we are redeemed.}  
  
{There's still time,} came Hari Seldon, {You can still prevent the end. Redeem us.}  
  
{Redeem us,} echoed all the voices.  
  
Trent felt the return of the power in Zack's pouch, and an answering strength coming from the Ultima Weapon. He saw Sephy's eyes gleaming in triumph, but he was still too weak to fight.  
  
Aeris's soft voice lifted in song. Soon, it was joined by Tifa's dulcet tones. Then, Bare-It's deep baritone, Arsechimp's rasping bark, Cait-Sith's sickly caterwaul, Vincent's harsh rasp, and Cid's gruff growl.  
  
Kioshizumeru flooded into Trent, and he leaped, and struck. Directly at Sephy's belt.  
  
The Bastardly Productions Trousers pooled around Sephy's ankles. Poised to strike, he triped over them.  
  
Sephy Lee Roth was wearing Little Mermaid panties.  
  
Preview of the Epilogue:  
  
"We set you up with someone female."  
  
"I happen to be a trained ninja!"  
  
"Oh, I know, underwear's not your speed...but you did ask!" 


	29. Epilogue

Epilogue  
  
-----  
  
After Sephy Lee Roth was killed, the Lifestream of Meteor flooded into the Planet, replacing much of it's depletion by the Shinra, and subsequently by the Hair Club for Men. Without its vital substance, Meteor crumbled to dust in the upper atmosphere. Red sand rained over the entire world. People everywhere, who had been expecting the end, winced in expectation as they saw the increased brightness of Meteor, only to heave a sigh of relief after the red rain ceased. The heaving of the earth in the Northern crater ceased, allowing Trent to rejoin his friends. With the threat to the planet abated, the green glow faded from the White Materia. Gravely, Zack returned it to the last surviving Cetra.  
  
Later...  
  
  
  
Trent sat alone in his villa in Costa Del Sol. He was dreading what was going to happen.  
  
There was a knock on the door. Tifa and Aeris entered together.  
  
"Look," Trent started, but was interrupted by Aeris.  
  
"No, wait, Trent, you don't have to choose."  
  
"I...don't?"  
  
"No," answered Tifa, "Me and Aeris have been talking this over, and, well, we've decided that we're more interested in each other."  
  
"What?"  
  
In answer, Aeris shyly took Tifa's hand and smiled.  
  
"Oh. Um...wow." {This sucks!}  
  
"Oh, but don't worry!" said Tifa, "We've set you up with somebody. She ought to be here any minute now!"  
  
Seconds later, the doorbell rang. "That's her!" exclaimed Aeris, excited.  
  
Trent opened the door, expectantly.  
  
The figure in the doorway was tall, dark-haired, and full figured. It also had a moustache. "Federal express," the man said, holding an envelope, "Sign here."  
  
Suppressing a sigh of relief, Trent signed for the letter and closed the door in the man's face.  
  
"That wasn't her," said Tifa. The doorbell rang again, and Aeris began jumping up and down expectantly. Trent opened the door again.  
  
A bucket of water fell on his head. Snickering, the children ran off.  
  
Fuming, Trent closed the door. The doorbell rang again.  
  
Bare-It was standing at the door. Trent screamed.  
  
"No, no," said Tifa, "We set you up with someone female."  
  
Puzzled, Bare-It came through the door. Trent slammed it behind him. The doorbell rang again.  
  
"I am your singing telegram!" Trent shot her, and closed the door again. The doorbell rang.  
  
"I'm here to offer you an AMAZING deal on--" BLAM! Another corpse piled on the front door. Trent closed the door yet again, and the doorbell went off. Trent checked his ammo and opened the door, and--  
  
Yuppie leaped into his arms. Tifa and Aeris cheered.  
  
"This is a joke, right?" asked Trent.  
  
"Oh, gods," groaned Bare-It, "Only those two could come up with such a match."  
  
"How'd you get down?" asked Trent.  
  
"I'll have you know," said Yuppie ominously, "That I happen to be a trained ninja!"  
  
Bare-It paused for a minute. "What exactly do you mean by 'trained'?" he asked.  
  
"Er...um...potty trained."  
  
"That's what I thought."  
  
The doorbell rang once again. Cautiously, Trent opened it up.  
  
"I'm here to fix the john," said the plumber. She was tall and lithe, emerald-green eyes just a shade lighter than Aeris's, and flowing red hair down to her shoulders. For just a moment, her lips pursed seductively. Dumbfounded, Trent stepped aside. Pointing to the restroom, he said, "In there." For once, he didn't mind the plumber's trademark butt-crack.  
  
"As I was saying--" Yuppie piped up.  
  
Trent shoved her out the door with an absent, "Get lost, kid."  
  
In later years, Trent would swear that it was love at first sight, but everybody else who he met knew that he would have fallen in love with a tree sloth if it would get him out of dating Yuppie.  
  
Trent proceded to stammer out a conversation with Paula the Plumber while Tifa and Aeris quizzed Bare-It on events that had happened after the fall of Sephy Lee Roth.  
  
The Bastardly Productions Trousers had been destroyed by the same magic that had come to Trent's aid against Sephy when all hope seemed lost. The globe Zack had found atop a dead rat at the Gold Saucer was revealed to be the White Materia when it lost its pale green glow. Zack was now living happily in the Corel Mountains with the moogles, who were planning to build their own empire entirely out of cheese. Bare-It wished them well, but hoped to live downwind.  
  
Midgar was little more than a ruin. It had been smashed utterly by the eldritch forces wielded by Sephy and Trent in the last battle. However, a new community was being constructed slightly to the south of it. It was called New Gotham, and the Mayor was none other than the same Jackie who had come to Trent's aid against the underwater Weapon. New Gotham's deputy mayor was none other than Palmer, who had a lifetime's experience in not being funny.  
  
Arsechimp and Skanker had combed the ruins of Midgar for files left behind by the now-ruined Alpo Company. They were setting up shop in New Gotham, producing a chunky, meaty new dog food called "SkankyArse", after the proprietors. For some reason, it wasn't selling all that well. Skanker was additionally penning the sequel to his number one bestseller, 'All Male Group Hugs and Other Things Which I Consider To Be My "Bag."' He'd asked BOU and Raistlin to help him come up with a name for the new book. At last report, they were arguing over who the best Namer in Cid's Knights was.  
  
Cid couldn't bear to return to Rocket Town, bereft as it now was of it's gigantic phallic symbol, so he married Shera and moved to New Gotham and started a confectionary. The first line of product, due to roll out just months later, was a sharp, minty chewing gum called "Cid's Knight Mint". There was a small delay in production when it was discovered that an essential flavor additive happened to containe the essence of crack cocaine and all the lab rats used in testing the gum were found running about in circles at high rates of speed and singing show tunes...badly.  
  
Cait Sith was happy as ever living in the town of Kalm, because people there tended to leave their windows open, so he could saunter in and sleep on their faces. He even delegated the duty of crapping in people's gardens to the giant stuffed toy he rode, leading to the discovery that Sta-Puft shit was a fantastic fertilizer. Soon, Cait Sith was receiving orders from as far away as Bone Village, and the stuffed toy was getting really sick of chili.  
  
Vincent took up residence at Nibelheim, and opened something called a "capsule hotel", which essentially meant that a "room" consisted of a coffin-like tube, with television and radio built in. He continued sleeping in a coffin and going out during the day, and was continuously gifted with cloves of garlic. He was very happy in what he thought was a community that loved and appreciated him very much.  
  
Marlene had gotten so used to living with Aeris's mother in Kalm that she didn't even recognize Bare-It when he came back...but was frightened by him. Regretfully, Bare-It had left his adopted daughter to her new life, and went on to start a new life of his own.  
  
At this point in the story, Bare-It faltered.  
  
"What is it, Bare-It?" demanded Tifa, "What's going on in your life?"  
  
"Well," he said, "It's sort of embarassing..."  
  
"Go on!" prompted Aeris.  
  
"Er..." said Bare-It, "I'm in love, I guess. Me and Jehova...We're starting a nudist colony a little ways east of Junon."  
  
"That's great!" exclaimed Tifa.  
  
"What about you guys?" asked Bare-It, "What are you up to?"  
  
"We're going into partnership with Robinett's Underwear Rental. We have some bitchin' sexy designs, and we think we can make a mint on them. The concept is amazing: It's like women's underwear...except for men!"  
  
Bare-It looked distinctly uncomfortable.  
  
"Oh, I know, underwear's not your speed...but you did ask!"  
  
"One other thing," Tifa added, "We had a blood test on Jackie, since we couldn't find any parents, and we got curious." Without a further word, she passed a plain, unmarked envelope to Bare-It.  
  
Bare-It opened the envelope, and his eyes widened. Bare-It didn't shock easily. "Zack?" he muttered, "Zack has a son?"  
  
At this point, Trent came back from the washroom, and the four of them adjourned to the porch of Villa Del Sol for some martinis and cheap scotch.  
  
The End  
  
Trent?  
  
Yes, Aeris?  
  
Do you ever wonder what the future has in store?  
  
No. Who the hell cares?  
  
Yeah. I guess you're right.  
  
Trent?  
  
What is it now, dear?  
  
What's that thing on your face?  
  
Thing? There's a thing on my face?  
  
Yeah, it looks sort of diseased.  
  
OH MY GOD, WHAT'S GOING TO HAPPEN TO ME?  
  
What's that I hear? Is someone wondering what the future has in store?  
  
You're mean, Aeris.  
  
Thanks. 


End file.
